”Why me?” I asked shaking. “Its not fair God. I did nothing wrong. Even if I did, I don’t deserve this! I deserved to have parents! I deserved to be loved! And now my body turns on me? Why me? It doesn’t make any sense.” I threw my body on the ground, in the bathroom and curled into a ball. The only way I could feel safe.
When I was 3 years old, my parents divorced, and my two sisters and I were to live with my grandparents. My dad went on to have many other children with several women, and never stuck around for any of them. All while battling heart disease. While my mother, bless her heart, became a full blown schizophrenic. Normal conversations were impossible.
When I turned 6, I had thought my mother came back for us. She took us out California all the way to Washington, where we lived in a car half the time there. The abuse and neglect she laid upon us I can barely remember now. I only remember her face turning red as if an evil entity possessed her. She would hurt me if I tried to contact my grandparents, but after a year she surrendered us back to them, and spent the next years battling her emotions and would apologize for hurting all those years ago.
From 7-18, we stayed in my grandparents home. Every dog we had died. One lived a complete life, but the other four had a mysterious death all due to different reasons. Worst pain in my body because I couldn’t help but be attracted to animals. “Why me?” I would cry out to God. “It hurts me more than anyone in this house, why?”. My dad still never visited. Only to steal money out our rooms or smash our piggy banks. I also had three little brothers at this point, and two cousins who lived with us at our grandparents house. Most of us since the age 3, 4 and up. My grandparents are very old-fashioned. My grandpa and I couldn’t get along after I had learned it was okay to speak my mind, at 12. The spankings eventually stopped at 12 also, and we went to therapy when I was 17, but the therapist said I’m fine. He said it’s just my grandpa who refuses to listen.
I would have many panic attacks in the bathroom, begging God to get me out. Asking God if just one person could love me. Asking God for change.
At 14, doctors told my dad he had two years to live.
At 17, I developed very bad anemia from being picky with my food and only eating snacks. My nose would bleed enough to soak up body towels. The first doctors didn’t believe anything was wrong with me and told me it was allergies. I was scared I had cancer or something fatal. The second doctor from another place, tested my blood and was horrified for me. I was anemic alright. My boyfriend forced me to take my medication every day until I was better. Three pills a day for three months.
I moved out at 18, with my boyfriend after a half a year of dating, but 4 years of friendship. He is my mirror.
No word from my mother, she bought a piece of land and hitchhiked to it, abandoning everyone. She texts me now and then. Still insane, unfortunately.
I was 19. I began to see 11:11 everywhere. It was almost freaky. I went into a restaurant alone and was seated at a table with a marker 11. Immediately I felt a presence tell me something will happen, but no matter what, everything will be okay. My cousin decided to take her life a month later. Worst pain I have ever felt in my entire life and no amount of abuse, neglect, or trauma could compare. She would visit me in my dreams, but that is a whole other story.
I seen my dad at the funeral. He’s still kicking, looked healthy.
I never lost someone I loved before, I had cried so much my head and face swelled. I knew that if I had never felt loss from those dogs as a child, I would’ve been absolutely defeated. I would have cried myself to death. That is why you never question what God puts you through.
The year is 2020, and I am now 20. My sister moved in with my boyfriend and I as well now, we still live with his parents. My older sister (we are all a year apart, I am the middle child) completed UCSC and is living in San Diego.
My baby brothers and cousins are still at my grandparents. I threw myself into a lot of debt and quick careers trying to afford things for them.
One day I decided to try something new. Just a tab.
I was crying all night thanking god for allowing me to be vegetarian. I apologized a million times for animals in the past I consumed.
I had an awakening.
I realized I always begged for an answer.
Why me? Why me? Why me? Why me?
I must’ve had atleast a good 200 panic attacks living with my grandparents because I remember clearly, I could not get through one single day without crying.
But now I am free.
There’s no one left to hurt me.
And if they did, it wouldnt hurt me.
Because I am whole.
I needed every single situation and tribulation life put me through.
Every. Single. One.
And now I understand. It was all necessary.
To grow me into my skin. To free my soul. A free soul has to be stripped of everything.
Now I tell myself
Why not me?
The good people are put through bad things, because we are pure. And by facing bad situations we are forced to make important decisions. Decisions that will help us grow, because we always do the right thing. And there is a God who is proud.
- Ollie Blueford (Lele Blue)