“Where Have You Been?”

Wow! I cannot believe that it’s been 7 months since the last time I wrote an article. I’ve been navigating trauma, that’s where I’ve been. I’m thankful for this platform and the notifications I receive from time to time… It’s lovely to know that people are reading, subscribing to, commenting and accepting me as part of their Vocal community. Sometimes your world can feel so small, it’s ok to open it up and let new people in which is let’s face it, easier said than done…

Counting backwards 7 months ago was October 2022. I went to London, England late September and stayed for 3 weeks. I had the most amazing trip and believe it or not, the weather was perfect! Once I returned to California, my life sort of fell apart… They say that change is good, right? I’ve always felt that way but this was not a change I foresaw or was ready for.

I don’t believe that I’m alone in feeling like my life has recently been in a state of constant flux… My new strategy is to feel everything… Stay present for everything; For every single change and to really check in with myself and how I’m feeling.

My surroundings have changed abruptly and I’m no longer in California. There is no place like California (LA/Hollywood) let me just state the obvious and get that out of the way... California has definitely changed me, I think for the better but I’m just going to say for the necessary. I’ll unpack my 6 years of living in Cali, in upcoming articles… I’m sure of it.

I’m currently staying with a family member which has afforded me the unique opportunity for much reflection, pause, and a chance to contemplate what my next chapter will be. As you may already know patience is not my strong point, but this time around, I’m being forced to be patient with myself. Staying with family comes with a great deal of agitation, adjustments and an unbelievable amount of compassion. I’ve been dealing with all the adjustments by becoming as transparent as possible. I’m constantly journaling each feeling (“good/bad” more bad than good) as they surface and it awakens me to my humanity like never before. I may also have an avoidant/dismissive attachment style, so it is taking a lot out of me to face everything that presents itself when it does…

Who would’ve ever thought that trauma could be such a powerful connector? I recognize it in my family members and it’s scary what happens when you ignore it, so I will not continue to ignore mine. I was recently told by a MHC that I am suffering from PTSD. I had no idea, I didn’t think of it, I just know that my anxiety has been at an all time high. I may have wrote about being stuck in a store at the mall while a shooter was loose after shooting someone in a sneaker store, just a few feet from where I was. It was a traumatic experience for me and I crashed for a month, I didn’t speak to anyone and was afraid to leave the house. This was at the end of 2021, when crime was bonkers in LA. I didn’t feel comfortable walking anywhere which was so unlike me, until about March of 2022.

Unfortunately, I have again been triggered because of all the recent shootings in the area. Gun laws are becoming less strict here and it seems like every young man under the age of 22 is firing a gun these days… Someone as young as 13 (in a gang) shot after the cops a few days ago. Elementary and middle schools are now establishing new protocols like clear backpacks and metal detectors. It feels like safety is now a distant memory and I don’t know about you but safety is intrinsic to my “happiness dna.”

In a perfect world, I want to always provide a “safe place” for myself and the people in my life. The issue is that there is not much that you can do if you are robbed of it. That’s a hard truth to accept, along with my world will never be perfect (spoken like a true recovering perfectionist lol) How do I adjust to not feeling safe being the new normal? How do I get control of this fear instead of allowing it to control me? Can I change for the better?

Today, I have chosen to relieve myself of the pressure to relay how I’m feeling to everyone who means well in showing their concern for me but who can’t relate or understand where I’m coming from. If I hear another, “where have you been?” It’s a frustrating experience and I suppose that is why PTSD and trauma is not just stored in our brains but in our cells and in our bodies. Now how do you explain that to someone? “I shut down when I feel unsafe.”

My journey in understanding what safety means to me not only physically but also emotionally and in relation to the people in my life, has now began. How will I show up for it? I will attempt to share it in writing, every month. I’m not sure how many times per month, but it is something that I’m willing to commit to. As a reminder to myself, I want to remind you too that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and just like this bird in my picture, I/we will fly again. Most times, all we need is a new perspective. Again, much easier said than done. If you are also navigating trauma, I wish you all the gems and wisdom that your experience is bound to grant you and see you on the other side of understanding ourselves more fully. Love, Leah Ella.