When will it get better?

I am broken, I look around and see people living their lives, holding hands, watching the sun go down or sitting together at a cafe planning. Thats not me, and I fear it never will be. I want to be happy, to smile and laugh and wake up each day with renewed faith that something wonderful is coming. Yet I don’t, I am on my sofa curled with a blanket crying, and I cry and cry until my partner comes home.

Mental illness is a monster that destroys lives. Almost 800,000 people in Canada suffer from some form of mental illness. That is 17% of the country. That means 1 out 5 people will have a mental illness, once a person reaches 40, this statistic doubles to 2 out of 5 It might not sound like a lot but it really is. Statistics say that 8400 of those people are children. It could be your children, so talk to them, even if it makes them mad, be honest, cry, tell them you're worried. Better than a lifetime of suffering. Don’t wait, get them help. It's hard being ill. Many people think that I am a drug addict or homeless, they feel that because I’m low income, my clothes are old and I don't wear makeup, I am low class, unequal, or that somehow we deserve it. I don’t drink, I do not do illegal drugs, I don’t even smoke cigarettes. I have this stigma around me that I can’t shake. Doctors look at me like I’m faking it, because I can’t control my emotions, it's funny how crying makes so many doctors uncomfortable. They would rather send me home then help me. Yes I am broken and I’m fighting for my life, not just my life but I am fighting to have a smidgen of a normalcy in what I can only describe as chaos.

I am mentally ill. This does not mean I am a bad person, I am not a thief, I’m not a liar, and I just want to be loved and accepted for who I am, after all this was not my choice. I did not ask for childhood trauma, I did not ask to be beaten or raped at 8. I did not ask to be abused by my grandfather. So why treat me like I am to blame. Have you been raped? Have your children been abused by someone even you trusted? So why judge us, why make us feel worse then we already do? The system is designed to protect criminals, not victims and it's getting worse.

I decided to write this so that if there is anyone out there struggling, maybe this will help them, help them to seek help before it's too late for them.

I grew up in a destructive family, do I blame my parents? Of course, as a child and young adult I hated them, I didn't see the real picture until I became an adult myself. As an adult I no longer blame my parents, because I know that they struggled too, as did their parents and theirs before, I truly believe that as humans we hurt our own loved ones because it's how we were taught to be people, to be parents and lovers, sisters or brothers. We were programmed to react, fight and flight. I had a wonderful conversation not long ago with my father, and I cried, because he apologized, and then went on to explain how he was beaten and treated so terribly by his family because he was different, he was just as lost as we all are. In his generation it was ignored. I think honestly everyone has mental health problems, some are just able to hide it better, because we weren't meant to have free will. If you look at many animals in the animal kingdoms, what do you see? Structure, there is a place for everyone like the wolf, there is order to their lives. The leader knows his place is behind the pack overlooking, the sick are up front, strong between and he surveys the land for dangers. When humans decided to cover their bodies and cook their food we stepped away from the animal kingdom and a much more harmonious life. I truly believe this.

Each generation crumbles with the next, we then become obsolete, unneeded, our opinions stop mattering. We are no longer the ‘IT’ generations, this is what I call it, where everything is geared to them. Music, fashion, faith, tv, movies, medicine, even morals and values.

This is why older people struggle so much to fit in as we age, It might explain the spike of mental illness in older people, to live our lives one way and suddenly be told it's no longer alright. I wonder how many before me have felt this way. The youth forget, we are living in a different world now. Our thoughts and values, no longer taken seriously, and this isn’t a pity party for my generation, no its just how the world works. The next generation will find out when they get to our age. I think this has contributed to the decline of Western Cultures mental health.

If you look at Asian culture, Hini culture, even the Philippines, they love their elderly, care for them, they remain in their home to age and die with dignity and family. As I age I see the value of their culture and love for their families. The youth respect their elders and their words of wisdom. It's something that western culture has never really taken part in, I say this as a whole. We throw our elderly in care homes and facilities, we hire someone to wipe their bums and feed them. We pat their heads and tell them to never mind, treating our elderly like children with no feelings, opinions or values.

We are seeing a change in our world, and it's hard to speak up because people see older opinions as racist or cruel. It's not, it's just how we were raised, it's not wrong, it's just how the world shifts and changes as each generation comes into the spotlight. This makes it harder on an aging mentally ill population trying to live in a drastically changing world,

The population has grown drastically, 313, 580 people have blessed Canada's shores in the last four years, the government projects over 700 000 new immigrants to Canada in the next 4 years, It will only get worse. The average waiting time for a person with mental illness to get professional counselling is 67 days, for treatment it can be over 95 days. This also depends sadly on many factors including your age, type of treatment, financial situation or where you reside. When I found out older mental health patients are often passed over for treatment so a younger person may get the exact same treatment, this little bit of information is enough to send someone who is suicidal to their grave.

It's said that Canada is accepting of people with disabilities, sadly I've seen so much to prove otherwize. I remember many years ago, before I was aware of my mental illness I went into a doctors office 5 times in one week. I was emotionally done, had tried to hurt myself several times, each time I’d gone to the doctor, he turned me away and told me it is in your mind don’t waste his time. The worst part was I was indeed sick. I ended up in the hospital for a week from a severely inflamed stomach. Yes it started in my head, but it became physically dangerous, I had gone from 165 pounds down to 109 in 3 months. My blood pressure was so low, I could have been a victim of a stroke. Another incident, I was in a small town hospital, I’d had my first breakdown. The therapist after two days, overworked over booked and stressed out told me I had to leave the ward. I told him, I was still suicidal, his response was,”If your going to kill yourself, get it over with.” I walked out feeling hopeless, and I tried a second time that day. Luckily I had friends to help me, and upon my return to the hospital there was a much kinder doctor on call. When did compassion exit the medical world. I truly believe if I’d been alone, I wouldn't be here to write this, I began digging a little further, and found something even more alarming. Have you ever gone to a hospital or doctor and swear they look at you funny? Or they stop smiling and become distant and uncaring, that's because of the little slang words and abbreviations fellow doctors add to mental health patient’s files, and when medical staff see these words, they stop taking your concerns seriously.

For example:

Frequent flyer or Cockroach, this is a person that comes repeatedly to the emergency room with different ailments.

Beemer, this describes a person with a large mass, or to put it simply fat or obeise.

GOMER (Get out of my emergency room)

Circling the drain, someone close to death

I was so shocked to find out that this type of language is still used, with smiles and chuckles. We are broken, not stupid, our feelings get hurt like everyone elses even more so, and it comes with physical and mental compilications, sweats shaking nausia, vomiting, fainting to name a few symptoms. To us it is real, the fear is real. It shouldn't matter how many times a patient comes to the emergency room. Help them, if they keep coming back maybe they really need help, and you're not doing your job, because you're over worked or had a fight with your partner or someone cut you off on the way to work. Please stop judging us. Mental illness can happen to anyone, your wife, your husband or even your children. That being said, many institutions are underfunded, many hospital wings sit empty unused. The world is exploding around us, destroying itself, we need our doctors, nurses and mental health staff to treat us with a little bit more dignity, we get enough crap from the world, we don’t want it from the one person we rely on. If a patient is crying, hug them, tell them you care, hold their hand. Sometimes that's all we need, is for someone to care, to make room, when there might not be any, as a mental health patient I'd be happy to sit in a corner in the waiting room because at that moment all I needed was to feel safe. As long as I’m not turned away. That is the biggest mistake doctors make, sending us away. Whether our symptoms are mental or physical. It matters Be our savior because to us, to people with mental health problems you are the barrier between death and life.