When I Was 13 Years Old, I Was Groomed on the Internet by Predators — This Is My Story

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Trigger Warning: Talk of sexual situations involving a minor

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Predators are everywhere, the internet included. When I was 13 years old I took a strong liking to the internet. I thought it was so amazing to be able to talk with anyone from around the world whenever I wanted.

One day I stumbled on a site called Chat-Avenue. It was a site that had nearly a dozen chat rooms to choose from, a few being: General chat, Gay chat, Girl chat, Adult chat, and much more.

I decided to join the adult chat because it looked so enticing. It was clearly marked for users over the age of 18, but that didn't stop me. There wasn't much of an age verification process, so joining the site was easy.

I joined the chat, gave myself a random name, and read the comments as they scrolled by. The adult chat was very heavy in sex, kinks, and porn. Many people went on that chat to have a casual online fling.

I was astounded at what I was reading. There were many people typing in the chat, talking about things I had never heard of! At age 13 I knew what sex was, and what was supposed to happen. But everyone on this chat was widening my eyes to the extreme side of sexuality.

And then I got my first private message (PM). It was a guy who wanted to chat with me because I had a "sexy" name. Mind you, the name I had was 'Maria'. I spoke with him a little to exchange basic information.

In online chats like this, it is common practice for someone to type in:

a/s/l?

This stands for age, sex, location. It was a quick way for users to meet, and establish some basic knowledge about each other.

I got nervous - what should I say? I responded with an obvious lie. I couldn't tell him I was underage. I wanted to appear mature and grown.

I typed into the chatbox:

18/F/USA

Now, I waited patiently for him to reply. The man accepted my lie and went on to share about himself:

50/M/USA

I instantly became nervous when I saw his age. I didn't know what to do next, but he led the conversation instantly into sex. This stranger made it very clear to me: he wanted to have cybersex with me. I had no idea how to do that, and what that even meant.

He began talking about me calling him master and told me how I needed to be a good girl. This man described in great detail all the horrid things he wanted to do with my body.

I quickly panicked and closed the browser. It was so revolting to see all the heavy chats buzzing through my screen, and having a man who was almost my dad's age ask me to have cybersex with him.

Once the initial shock wore off, I rejoined. The same thing happened but with a different stranger and this time I didn't leave. I stayed and followed along, catering to this man's sick, twisted needs.

After my first real encounter, I came back for more. I liked receiving the attention that I got. It was nice to feel wanted by someone. I didn't have any close friends, and my family life was on the rocks. I needed an escape and this was it.

Slowly over time I became bolder and began messaging people. Eventually, I stopped lying about my age. Unfortunately, sharing my real age did not deter the men. In fact, I was more popular.

Now I thought this popularity was due to my adult behavior and knowledge. I know now that I was simply a fetish, and the perfect person for them to groom and mold into who they wanted.

The men on this chat site used my innocent mind to fill me with disgusting content that would fulfill their own fantasies. They were making the perfect cybersex buddy.

Over time, nothing seemed to really phase me anymore. The kinks got worse, but I didn't care. I was desensitized to the danger.

But at the time I thought this was completely okay. Even before I shared my real age, I thought these men were fine because I made myself available to them.

These men wanted a young girl that they could manipulate. The fact that I stated that I was 13, and men still wanted to have graphic cybersex with me is appalling in itself.

I was groomed to be the perfect online servant to these kink driven men.

When I realized I was in too deep

I had met a 'nice' guy on Chat-Avenue who wasn't a creep - at first. He seemed as though he genuinely wanted to talk and get to know me. His name was Leo, he was 18 and he was from the USA.

We got along so well, so he offered me his yahoo ID. I took it happily and went to add him. I had made a friend! He really, truly cared about me and told me he would always be there for me.

Leo and I talked every day after I got out of school. He was very sweet and kind in the beginning. As time passed he suddenly began asking for a picture of me. I didn't want to potentially have these pictures floating around of my underage body.

I told Leo I would not show him a picture unless he showed me a picture of himself. He countered by saying that he refused unless I sent a picture first, but I held firm. Thankfully, I never sent Leo a picture. I didn't want him to know what I looked like, nor did I want to experience anything I had learned online in real life.

At first, Leo was okay with me not sharing a photo, but that did not last long. He began pressing me more and more. Eventually, he moved on to sexual conversations that I did not like.

I was shocked at Leo's sudden change in mood when he wanted something from me. It was as if he was expecting me to happily comply with any request. I convinced myself that Leo was an ok guy because of what I had learned on Chat-Avenue.

I learned that men want sex and only sex. I need to make sure I am exactly what men need and desire. But I thought that if a man was not forward about sex with me, that meant that they weren't like the gross men on Chat-Avenue.

So I stayed and reminded myself each time why Leo was a good guy, and why I should keep talking to him. He would occasionally send me some good song recommendations.

That's what kept me in this relationship, the small acts of normal, friendly behavior.

As time passed, I began to feel weirder and weirder about my friend, Leo. He started to tell me how he would kiss me if he were with me. Or how he would hold me and touch me. Due to my previous experience in Chat-Avenue, I learned that this behavior was normal, so I knew how to play along.

By the time I turned 14 I wasn't interested in the sex chats anymore. I wanted the real thing, with a real boy in person - but without the sex or anything to do with sex.

I became repulsed by sex and sexuality. I felt like a dirty shameful person. I was exposed to so much sexual content at a young age that it seriously impaired my development.

Eventually, I met a boy at my school that I really liked. His name was Jake and we were great friends. Every day I fell for Jake just a little more.

Leo hated this. Leo didn't like when I would talk about Jake. He started to become meaner. I started to place my online chat status as 'invisible' to avoid Leo altogether.

Slowly, Leo and I talked less and less. By the time I entered 9th grade I had blocked Leo and never spoke to him again.

Until this day I have never shared the story of Leo, my online predator nor the countless men that prayed on me from Chat-Avenue. I hid this because I felt ashamed and disgusting, even though I had no idea what was truly wrong with the situation. Leo was a good guy to me at the time.

I know now what makes up a good guy - I'm married to one! I have the sweetest, most patient, handsome man in the whole world!

Looking back on my experience I know that Leo was not my friend. Leo wanted to hurt me for his own benefit. Thankfully, I had some clarity at that age to understand what the limit was for talking to people online.

o this day I am still affected by the abuse I incurred. I am uncomfortable with my own body and sexuality. Slowly, I am learning to work through the lasting trauma that Leo and the men on Chat-Avenue have caused me.

With more and more of our world going digital, the threat of online grooming only grows. Raising awareness is the first step in creating change.

As Originally Posted on Medium