Walk Don't Run

Some things aren't for everyone, and I've never been the type of personal that finds solace in meditating. I feel worse after a moment of silence than the rare occasion of feeling better. Although, all those things are true, I do meditate and ground myself, but I don't set aside time for it, I take whatever silent moment I have on the train, or in my car, at work to just recognize everything within me, and surrounding me. My mind is a beautiful thing but it has a hard time being quiet, which is why I don't meditate for too long, and I refuse to sit down crossing my legs and open up doors i will be forced to shut back again. Then again, maybe that's my problem, maybe that's why this meditation thing only works for me while i'm busy because i am capable of escaping and finding a busy activity to do moments after, versus having to sit an entire car ride reflecting, or walking into a place in silence, just reflecting, maybe I like walking meditation, because by the time i get back to it, it doesn't hurt anymore, but in a way time, all that busy time, healed those wounds. How do you meditate though, when you feel like this:

My anxiety is like a bullet and it ricochets inside of me, causing panic and despair. Hopelessness is a gift from this curse that seems to be haunting me everywhere. Now you're right, it's all in my mind but do you understand that the mind is something that needs a balance of chemicals to function properly? As stated by Katharina Star, PhD on September 12 2020 on the website Very Well Mind "The neurotransmitters serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine, and gamma-aminobutyric acid (GABA) are specifically believed to be linked to mood and anxiety disorders." Can you understand that there is a lack of production or too many of these chemicals being produced in my brain causing these chaotic tremors? It shows in the shake of a leg and I can feel it with the pounding of my heart through my chest, my inability to breathe the same air you breathe easily. If you can't understand that, please understand this. I'm like a road with solid white lines on my medication walking without a problem, and slowly as things started to change with my medication, so did I. I started to crawl and that white line, became broken and anything could crossover and crash into me at anytime causing these feelings that show for everyone to see. It gets so bad sometimes that I just want to jump, jump into the darkness and run, runaway from this life, runaway from our home, because this place haunts me but I know that sounds wrong. So I will give you a cheat sheet on the ways to love me as things go wrong and if done correctly I could lay calmly in your arms and purrrrr like a cat. I just need something external to calm my anxiety when it gets bad. And even though I don't want to put this weight onto you, because it makes me feel guilty to not be okay, I feel I have to ask something of you so that this love will stay. I just need your ear, I just need your hand, I just need your love and for you to understand.

Walk they say, breathe they say, get supports they say. But those things only work temporarily, and support only works when that someone understands what it is that your going through. Laying awake due to restlessness or laying asleep due to depression, meditation won't work in those moments if I don't do it when I'm okay, but if I do it when everything's fine, then my anxiety won't allow me to have the desire to do the things I do when I'm okay. Give me something, one thing, because I need something for this feeling, one coping skill that doesn't have me walking around with a blanket tightly squeezing me. A coping skill that doesn't require me to drop my everyday task to fulfill. Walking meditation sounds fine and dandy, until I can't leave to go walk to do what I need to.