These walls that once seemed so familiar to me is now unfamiliar in the sense of I cant get a hang of what it is that I see. I feel like I am a monkey that doesn't know how to hang on the same tree she was just hanging on, just before you met her. Heart racing, mind pounding, I don't think thats what I meant to say, I think I meant to say heart thinking, mind beating, thats not right either, either way, this is how my brain is functioning in the same place I used to be okay. Key word is used to in the sense of no longer, no longer capable of breathing how I used to. No longer capable of smiling in the way that I used to. No longer able to live like I used to, because this feeling of how i'm feeling is not something i'm used i'm not feeling too chipper even though I feel i'm supposed to, and i'm not too happy with feeling i'm how supposed to, knowing my heart is thudding out of my chest. Like a baby chick stuck in its egg, or a baby bird that can't fly out of its nest, I am not at my best, and this is my talking in a manner of being pretentious, but I cant help it i'm selfish.
Changing the factor of who I surround my life around, you cant pick me up when your down, but I cant pick you up if I chose not to have you around. Knowing you take more than you give my bank accounts overdrawn and I feel like your the thief to my bankruptcy. Unmask you and I find me, i'm the only one stealing my own generosity. Thinking more than I should, and living less, if this were a test I swear to you i'd fail, but I don't work well under pressure I always flunk out, taking in information just to vomit it back out, never leaving any behind for when I must get out of the way that i'm feeling or the things that I must say, I hope that I can feel better today...
But if not today, then tomorrow could be a good day, I hope that these feelings are not misunderstood. Holding on and holding out, thinking about this distant drought, I know it's coming but still don't prepare, it's a tidal wave of all my fears, in the form of sand, and dust. Old skin cels holding up to their name, putting me down and flaking around. Sand to dry out my eyes making me want to cry but it never makes it to the outside. How do I feel, you ask me, but, I do not know, I will read this over and maybe it will show between the lines. I feel unfamiliar in the frame of my own personal molding, like there should be more to me than just my anxiety. As if my own personality is haunting me, like I can't be me. I used to be okay with not being okay but I no longer feel that way today.
I feel like we all deserve to be okay in this life and there are no exceptions to that. I used to think peace was so far away but peace is literally inside of you like happiness, if you believe you are happy then you will be and nothing can kill that mood. My peace is in me and can't be disturbed by the likes of you anxiety anymore so you can go do what you do to the next person. Now I don't wish this mental pain on anyone, but I must say this personal struggle has most definitely helped me to become a more compassionate person and guided me to become more aware of other peoples signs of discomfort. With this being a teachable thing it's definitely not understood until you are the one uncomfortable all the time.
With your heart pounding and breathe escaping you, mind racing and you can't think of anything good to say, this is what it's like to be me, when I am who I am with my anxiety. I'm saying used to in the sense of no longer, no longer capable of breathing how I used to. No longer capable of smiling in the way that I used to. No longer able to live like I used to, because this feeling of how i'm feeling is not something i'm used i'm not feeling too chipper even though I feel i'm supposed to, and i'm not too happy with feeling i'm how supposed to, knowing my heart is thudding out of my chest. Like a baby chick stuck in its egg, or a baby bird that can't fly out of its nest, I am not at my best, I am weak and fragile unable to escape the things that confine me to my own dark reality. Once I hatch will they grab me, I think its safer to stay in here, at least I know they can't get me, the only thing that haunts me now is me. If you can understand this without going through anxiety than maybe the world has a chance for a grow of empathy over sympathy.