We drink away our pain sometimes because it feels good, better then what we were feeling before. We drink to forget, forget our failures, loses, constant reminders and things. We drink to live when we know longer feel like living , and sometimes we drink because we've already died inside. Either way we're drinking for the moment, and that's when becoming an alcoholic becomes a risk.
Some things aren't for everyone, and I've never been the type of personal that finds solace in meditating. I feel worse after a moment of silence than the rare occasion of feeling better. Although, all those things are true, I do meditate and ground myself, but I don't set aside time for it, I take whatever silent moment I have on the train, or in my car, at work to just recognize everything within me, and surrounding me. My mind is a beautiful thing but it has a hard time being quiet, which is why I don't meditate for too long, and I refuse to sit down crossing my legs and open up doors i will be forced to shut back again. Then again, maybe that's my problem, maybe that's why this meditation thing only works for me while i'm busy because i am capable of escaping and finding a busy activity to do moments after, versus having to sit an entire car ride reflecting, or walking into a place in silence, just reflecting, maybe I like walking meditation, because by the time i get back to it, it doesn't hurt anymore, but in a way time, all that busy time, healed those wounds. How do you meditate though, when you feel like this:
Happiness is supposedly based on the warmth of your heart. Therefore, we all have happiness inside of us as long as we are living, if you'd like to think of it in that way. Your happiness could also be dependent on how helpful and kind you are to others, the warmth of your heart is the generosity of your character. No matter which one happiness is based on, it doesn't work without a smile, and laughter, the delivery of your generosity matters.
My mother used to tell me all the time, “There's no book to tell you how to be a parent, I've tried my best with what I had and hoped for the best." She's right there's no guide to be a parent, in this world your criticized if your children are not of the best standards, or more well off than you were, but if they become than you then they say what adverse challenges for one had to overcome to have grown up in such a life. Well, mom this one's for you.
I guess I'm chopped liver, chew me up and spit me out because you don't like the taste of me. It's unreal how you make me feel, like to be needed is something I should erase, because being needed doesn't always have a place. But I guess your teaching me that with your simple actions. You'll tell me things like; " Talk to me regularly like I am your friend not like this is an interview and you have to dress to impress." "Throw away the best version of you. Give me your worse, your nagging, your pain, your drama, your shame." Now you can give me this feeling x10 and make me wish I didn't love it. I know I'm not in love with you, but love you, yes I do, or maybe I just love what you make me do or how you help me better understand myself as a person and not just the help. I am the help, the giver, the slave of being used, and you know that and yet, won't allow me to, it kills my every nerve when I have to stop in my tracks, so everything your giving to me I will have to give it back. Regurgitating your trust issues, your famine of love, your indecision and your guilt, baby Im sorry if I puked on you, but these chunks represent us in ways more than you'd know. Talk to me and send it all flying out like a tidal wave.
I've never enjoyed the idea that superhero's usually end up alone because the people they love are always caught in the cross fire. It supports the idea that nice guys finish last. I also don't understand or fully support the idea of a villain finding a partner in crime that may also be a love interest, being a good woman with an ill minded man and the same vise versa. The way the world works they expect us to be following this unrealistic guideline that we can’t be loved and do whats best for everyone at the same time, but, apparently you can be loved while selfishly fighting for your own glory and power. It makes no sense, but it could be that humanity shaped it in this sick minded manner. I don't know if i'd like to think of myself as this unbalanced yet balanced yin and yang representation. So I feel very undeserving of love even though I find myself giving love more often than not often.