Unleashing my Personal Power

I believe that challenges are setups for personal growth. At least I choose to see it that way. After all, “Beliefs are just thoughts you keep thinking", Abraham Hicks.

For the last several months, I have been faced with the challenge of communicating with a room-mate, (we'll call her Lisa), that did not show any desire to resolve the growing tension between us. Initially, what I thought was a good living situation, out of no where seemed to deteriorate. I started to notice the unexplainable tension around April. Then it got increasingly worse around June 2020. I tried for months to “clear the air” between us, and find out what was really wrong. I truly wanted to reach a win-win solution for both of us. However, I was repeatedly dismissed, disrespected, and ignored.

It started to get to the point where I needed to set tough boundaries with her in order for me to feel safe in my own home. One of those things was blocking her on my phone. Another was to start looking for a new apartment. My appeals to be respected by her continued to go unheard, and it finally came to a breaking point when I wrote her a letter.

It was a heartfelt letter to try and understand her point of view while also explaining where I was coming from. However, when I asked her if she had read my letter the interaction backfired on me. My simple question led to her emotionally and verbally vomiting all over me. It seemed as if she was letting out months of hidden resentments onto the closest person to her... which happened to be me.

Although her hostile language and tone were triggering my PTSD big time... with shaking hands I remained calm AND stood my ground. I stood up for myself and my dog when she attacked us personally. Thank God for Olly, my Emotional Support Animal. He has had my back through some of the most challenging moments of my life, including this interaction. He is my ESA for good reason.

Miraculously, I managed to record the interaction with Lisa on my phone. I wanted to have something to go back on to make sure that I wasn’t imagining it. I really truly was being emotionally gaslighted by this woman. After that unlucky encounter, I was done. Fed up. I was tired of being bullied. My knee-jerk reaction was to complain about her to my friends. However, I slowed down enough to recognize that what I really needed in that moment was to give myself time and space. I did what I often do when I am processing heavy emotion or experiencing an intense flashback, I wrote.

What came to me was astounding. My intuition and angel guides told me to.... "Do the work. Don’t be afraid to feel these feelings of anger. I know that you saw anger and rage be displayed and put upon you as a child in a really unhealthy way, and that’s why you're afraid to express anger yourself. You are afraid that it will take you out of control, even more than you already feel. However, I promise that taking this step is a necessary part of your transformative healing journey towards more mental/emotional freedom". After that came to me, I got an immediate gut feeling. "You need to go on a drive through the mountains... now".

I am lucky to live in a place where I can drive up to an aspen covered mountain side in ten minutes flat. I love that. So I did, and I said every single thing that my heart felt couldn't be said in real life. I raged. I cussed Lisa out. I yelled. My dog was a little freaked out, but hey you do what you gotta do to emote in a healthy way. What started as a complaint session for being emotionally and verbally abused by Lisa, started to evolve. It transformed towards giving voice to my feelings of rage of being verbally and emotionally abused by my father growing up.

I realized in that moment, that I wouldn’t be able to grieve the relationship dynamic I had between my father and I until I fully and completely expressed my anger in a productive way. Complaining about Lisa was not that way. In fact it continued to keep me stuck by distracting me away from feeling my deep feelings that she was bringing up for me. I was so surprised, but then it hit me! Lisa was playing out this “angry father role” for me, so that I could heal those unhealed wounds. Time doesn’t heal wounds of trauma, doing the healing work heals these wounds.

Then the rage slowly turned into a flood of tears. Which slowly turned into sadness for being treated so unfairly throughout my life. Deep grief for being so helpless, and not being able to stand up for myself. My 11 year old self among other younger parts of myself had been screaming out for me to hear them for SO long. Now, I was FINALLY showing up to listen. I was there. I was finally giving them voice.

As I was crying and letting out 20+ years of blocked emotion, I turn the corner and a deer runs out in front of my car. This was the 3rd deer that had crossed my path within the past 2 days. I learned later, that they are a metaphysical sign for being your own spiritual authority. As well as keeping your heart open and always following your creativity/curiosity. It scared me half to death, but it caught my attention enough to slow down.

When I pulled off safely to park I found a hidden path. While allowing myself to be curious I came across the most magnificent pine tree I think I've ever seen. It was surrounded by beautiful white and black aspens with majestic mountains as a backdrop. I stood under it’s branches admiring its magnitude. I felt myself come alive next to this tree. I could feel its energy, and I gave it a big hug. It may seem weird, but I felt like it was my friend supporting me to find the healing and answers I was searching for.

This place was my temple, and I felt engulfed in gratitude. I began to pray out loud. I thanked my angels for these beautiful mountains, and for the chance to escape to them when my heart was weary. As I was praying, talking, and communing with the heavens I was engulfed by nature and the air tasted of peace.

I felt my spiritual guides surrounding me in those beautiful mountainous woods. I thanked them for the lessons that Lisa had taught me, and that this drive cracked me wide open to see clearly. I also thanked them for helping me learn what I needed to learn from this experience, so that it could wrap up quickly. I was certaintly being shown my patterns of giving my power away, and how to get it back. Lisa helped me to see that I had unresolved anger for my father that was clouding and blocking my path. She played out the role of the emotionally dismissive father that didn’t show me the love and respect I needed as a child.

My experience with her taught me that I had to learn how to respect myself first, before expecting others to give it back to me. I realized that whether or not others choose to give me respect, doesn't matter. Respect should be a non-negotiable thing I give to myself no matter what is happening outside of me. I realized that my inner child was feeling out of control and I needed to let her rage and not stifle my anger any longer.

I weeped profusely. I put my hand on my heart while speaking out loud amongst all those aspens and my friend the pine tree…

"I forgive myself for all the times I let people talk over me, I didn’t know my voice had value. I forgive my parents for shutting down my voice, they too were shut down by their own parents and family. I forgive my partner for not allowing me to express my emotions fully, he is only playing a part to help me heal deeper patterns. I forgive my ancestors for passing on these unhealthy ways of expressing emotions. They were only doing the best they could with where they were at."

I then began speaking new intentions and realizations I had for myself:

I am creating safety for myself despite what’s going on outside of me by: recognizing, upholding, and strengthening my healthy boundaries.

I am taking my power back by sticking to the boundaries I set with others.

I am only surrounding myself with others that show me respect and limiting my interactions with those that do not. As I put myself and my needs first I am able to be more: generous, giving, and authentic with others.

I am taking accountability for ways in which I’ve hurt others and I’m willing to make amends when timely and correct.

As I speak my truth and follow my intuition I open up the way for others to do the same!

The more I allow my inner child to speak to me freely the more I can face my fears with courage. I speak up for my inner child every time I use my voice to express what is bothering me.

I am safely allowing myself to feel all of my feelings and emote them in healthy ways.

I am my biggest cheerleader and supporter.

It is ok and really good to feel ALL of my emotions. I am allowing them to be felt with ease.

I speak with consciousness and care, but also allow others to have their own experiences without worrying about how they perceive me. I am no longer taking on others’ emotions.

I am giving back the energy that others create and allowing them to take accountability for what they have created. I am free from having to account for mistakes that aren’t my own.

I am more than enough.

I am giving myself the love and support I never received from my parents and family when I was young.

I am releasing others from the responsibility of giving me the love I need to first give to myself.

I am releasing my anger wounds every time I make a decision and follow through on it. I am safe to live true to myself.

I am allowing forgiveness to come into my heart when it is timely and correct. I know my parents were doing the best they knew how considering they also suffered childhood abuse and neglect.

I am lovable, worthy and cherished.

I am confident in living my truth, because as I do I am in alignment and that feels REALLY good! It is good to feel good.

I strengthen my voice as I continue on this healing journey that I am on.

I am a pathmaker. As I follow my own path and continue on in my own healing journey, I am creating a path for my family to choose the same.

I am releasing myself from any energetic strings of attachments I have to what my family or others around me choose to do or not do.

I am FREE.

After this profound download of divine inspiration, I looked up and saw the sky beginning to look like a swirl of cotton candy. It was as if the universe was patting me on the back saying, “Well done Chloe, you are on the right path. The path to owning your own spiritual power and authority is sweet.”