Uncontrollable

I remember the feeling of quiet once, it’s been a long while since then, but I do remember it. I think.

My body for the first time in years feels calm, relaxed, floating even. No aches in my joints from years of typing, no stiff back from my bad posture, no pounding of my head from my day to day stress; I feel nothing.

It feels borderline lifeless; did I die? The thought jolts me at the same time as a voice yelling at me.....

“WAKE THE FUCK UP!”

My lungs fill with air as if I'd been holding my breath for too long before I sit up, back straight, head throbbing. My eyes instinctively blink to refocus my vision; One blink I see nothing but fog and colors. Two blinks I see a large thing looming over me. Three blinks I see the thing lean into my face before yelling again: “WAKE THE FUCK UP, YOU NEED TO FUCKING WAKE UP!”

THWACK

I open my eyes again and find myself suddenly on the floor. My hand reaches up to caress my stinging cheek as I try to gather my surroundings. Voices float around me in varying degrees of panic, anger, and confusion.

“This is the shit I’m talking about, shit goes wrong and they don’t do a single damn thing. Lazy shit” I feel my body being yanked up off the floor and hanging by the shoulders of my shirt, my feet not able to make contact with the floor. My head spins, stomach churns, thoughts racing; where the fuck am I?

I stare blankly at the face not even 3 inches away from my own, furrowed brows and sharp pupils stare me down.

“If you don’t wake the fuck up and get this shit sorted out, I’ll -“

“Stop Yelling! Please I-I’m already scared and you're making it worse!”

“Shut the fuck up you little – “Whatever was holding me up threw me back down to the ground before stomping away. A pitched scream and sobbing fills the room, triggering a sharp pain through my chest and freezes my blood in terror.

It feels like forever before I finally was able to see; carpeted floor that looks like its seen thousands of shoes tracing dirt back and forth for decades, you can see where people paced over the carpet in the same spots, leaving the edges looking almost brand new with its original muted colors of green, gold, and brown.

I try to push myself up but my body feels so heavy. What the hell is happening? The energy in the room is chaotic, full of uncontrollable emotions that is making the center of my brain vibrate from the stimulation.

I grab onto the large heavy object next to me and use it to hoist myself up so that I’m finally standing again. I cling to the object feeling a sense of motion beneath my feet as my eyes dart around.

Large dark green fabric booths line up and down either side along the walls, large windows perched between every booth with blurred colors speeding past through them. Old timey bar chandeliers hang above the center of the booths with cheap brass bases draped with dark green glass lamp shades.

I stumble onto the booth that I had been clinging to this whole time as the whole room jumps and rocks. Are we moving? My head spins as I try to take in everything before I bring my focus to a group of four people trying to yell over each other.

An enormous figure is holding what looks to be a small child by the collar of their shirt, the child is sobbing and trying to kick off from their aggressor. A tall, fat figure is hunched over themselves in one of the booths, screaming with their ears clasped with their hands, while the last figure is trying to calm the enormous figure into releasing the child, but is being drowned out by the loud voices.

As my eyes bounce between the four figures, I accidently make eye contact with the tall fat one.

“Oh thank god they’re finally awake.” The figure hurtles over the booth they were sitting at before charging straight at me, causing me to tighten my grip on the booth as my body freezes in fear. The figure stops short of my crunched up body and sits across from me in a separate booth.

Time freezes as I stare at the figure in front of me. The booth is compressed with their body mass, creaking beneath their immense weight. As I try to take them in, their body morphs slightly. It's not enough to drastically change in an instant, but just enough to make it where I can’t describe them without them changing again in the next instant. One moment their eyes are large and bright, the next they’re squinting with dark circles under their eyes; their features just won’t stop changing.

“Ok so now that you finally got up, can you start figuring out how to fix this?!” I feel their giant hands envelope my shoulders, but I suddenly feel sharpness as if their hands were boney; I struggle away from their hands in disgust.

“W-what hold on....what is exactly.....” I twist my head at neck breaking speeds as another shrill screech fills the space. The enormous figure is now shaking the child figure, yelling incomprehensively before throwing the child across the car into a wall.

I jump out of my seat and sprint towards the child to check on them; their face morphing just like the other figure but this one is changing too fast to even keep up. Their voice continues to pierce the air as they curl into a tight ball, tears spilling from their constantly changing eyes.

“H-hold on you’re safe now its ok” I pick the child up but tremble from the disturbing sensation of their body altering itself, but I notice the child is changing into different ages; between a 3 year old to about 8, the intense morphing making me desperately hold onto them so they don’t fall.

As my brain is trying to put pieces together, whatever few I could find, I finally recognize that we are all on a train.

“How the f-“ I stutter, clinging to the morphing child when the enormous figure comes hurtling towards us, making the train rock back and forth.

“YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH YOU LITTLE SHIT!” They go to make a grab at the child but I yank them away before the angry figure could snatch them.

“What are you doing? Why are you yelling?” I feel my head starting to spin again as my heart pounds against my chest.

The enormous figure stood over me, taking up the entire space; the sensation forces me to take a huge breath because their presence made it suddenly hard to breathe.

“YOU ALWAYS DO THIS, YOU KEEP MESSING THINGS UP NO WONDER YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT ALL THE TIME.” Their voice rocks me back and forth, their anger so strong and paralyzing. I feel tears running down my face as I try to hold onto the child figure tighter, their cries growing louder beneath my arms. The enormous figure yanks me up and throws me against the wall, my arms desperately trying to hold onto the child who is now lashing out at me in a tantrum.

The child manages to get out of my grip before the enormous figure picked me up again and started to shake me violently. The vibrating in my brain escalates to a strong buzzing, like bees being trapped in my skull but no one else can hear it.

“YOU FUCK UP THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU, YOU’RE USELESS AND CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT. YOU SHOULD JUST DIE!” Tears began to fall faster down my face as the weight of their words presses down on me. The train rocks again but harder this time, making the enormous figure lose their balance, which forces them to drop me back onto the ground to regroup themself.

I scuttle across the floor to find sanctuary from the madness, but I hear a soft voice above me. “You know they’re not wrong....Maybe you should just die...” I glance up and see the fat figure from before leaning over the edge of the booth, tears streaming down their face as well as they spoke. “You hurt everyone around you with your lies, your failures, you can’t even take care of yourself.” They become quieter but their tone raises in pitch, piercing my ears with their whispers. “You’re just a burden to everyone around you.”

I scramble to get away from their hisses, my tear filled eyes blurring my vision as I try to find a safe place to be quiet. I hide under a booth table, curl into a ball covering my ears to try and silence everything.

“Please.....PLEASE.....STOP YELLING PLEASE STOP YELLING” I hear myself begging. I can’t hear myself think, I can’t even figure out what the hell is setting everything off but they keep coming at me as if I can fix it? They aren’t even telling me what’s wrong or what needs fixing.

I feel myself drifting away, my body numbing piece by piece, my eyes unfocus then focus back in. My thoughts that were racing before are now slowing down, repeating the same mantra; ‘they’re right, they’re right, they’re right.’ As I continue to lose feeling of my body, the buzzing in my head finally starts to fade away as I start to lose myself.

A soft hum catches in my ear; gentle low tones with an occasional upbeat middle tone. It’s comforting and reassuring; no judgments, no deeper meaning to decipher, no ulterior motive or anything. I bring my consciousness back enough to look up in the direction of the hum, and see a pair of legs stretched across the booth seat I was hiding under, with smaller legs draped in the other direction showing that someone is sitting in someone else’s lap.

I squeeze myself up between the table and the opposite booth seat so that I could sit in the booth. An averaged size figure sat across the booth from me, nothing stands out in their features, their voice, nothing. Unlike the other figures that are solid but changing; this one is still and quiet, almost opaque for lack of a better word. They seem like they are glowing a dim yellow light as they are embracing the child figure from before. They’re quiet and calm, sleeping in the glowing figures’ comforting hold on them.

I notice tear stains down the blurred figures face, same as the child. The train car is now quiet, no yelling or rocking, everything felt calm suddenly. I look around trying to find the other two figures that were there, I find them both in a corner booth across the car. They are sitting perfectly still while holding my stare with their own, they have similar tear stains down their faces as well.

I return my gaze to the glowing figure I was sharing the booth with, finding comfort just watching them. Finally the figure finishes their peaceful hum, not turning towards me as they start to talk.

“As hard as it is to believe; they don’t mean you any harm.” Their voice is soft and warm, just enough varying pitches to not sound mono tone. I’m so emotionally raw that I’m unable to respond, I just stare at them expectantly. “They are troubled easily. Doesn’t take much to set them off to be honest.” They laugh lightly, hugging the sleeping child figure in their lap.

They let the silence hang there.

In desperation to hear their voice more, I find the strength to speak. “B-but....why? W-who are they?” My voice cracks, my spirit so weak, my body numb, and that damn buzzing in my ears is back and is ringing so loud in my head. “I don’t even know where I am.....Why do they think I can fix whatever the hell is happening?!” My heart is racing again, the buzzing growing louder as I feel myself getting worked up. Tears begin to fall again as I stand up and smack the table with my hands, making the child figure jump and stare wide eyed at me, tears spilling down their cheeks too.

I slam my hands repeatedly on the table, smacking harder with every blow that makes contact. “Why are they making it seem like this is all my fault? Why are they telling me I should die?!” I’m growing hysterical, my hands slapping the table faster and harder, and my palms stinging with the impacts. “WHY? WHY? WHY WHY WHY WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY” My throat starts to contract as my words bleed into wordless screaming. I start to choke on my sobs, my hands turning into fists as I start punching the table causing my knuckles to bleed.

I hear other voices matching my own wails; the enormous figure, the fat figure, and the child figure screaming and thrashing where they sat. The energy in the car began to build again as it did before, the train rocking back and forth from our force, almost threatening to throw itself off the tracks with us in it.

I continue to lose myself in my emotions until I feel two warm hands cradle my face. My sobs and self-mutilating strikes start to wane, punches turning back into slaps, then into weak smacks, to not moving at all. My body droops as I lean into the warm hands of the glowing figure, my eyes desperately trying to take in their features, but the were none. Where their eyes are supposed to be, concentrated light shines through instead. The energy in the car laxed again with absolute silence; even the train seemed silenced by the figures presence.

“They are as confused as you are, infact they feel exactly the same way as you feel.” The glowing figure rubs their own moist cheek and bring their tear into my line of vision. They pull back slowly, releasing my head from their hands which brings about an emptiness in the pit of my stomach. “Infact, you can say they were birthed from your pain.”

I sit quietly for a moment to try and grasp what has been said, but I shake my head in confused frusteration. “That doesnt make any sense….” The glowing figure chirped a light hearted laugh, their glow faultering for a moment before returning to the glorious yellow haze, “You will figure it out soon enough.”

The pit in my stomach began to sink more, I pull myself away from the glowing figure. Uncertainty makes me shrink into my booth seat as unease settles in.

The glowing figure shruggled friendly at me but then glitched again; changing back before my mind could register what was happening.

“See you cant trust anyone.” the hiss slithers into my ear from behind. I freeze in terror but the voice doesnt stop. “Theyre not here to help you…..why would anyone want to help you.” My gaze moves from the glowing figure towards the voice, my blood froze in my veins as I made eye contact.

The fat figure from before is suddenly skelital, their face elongated and saggy almost like it was melting. “No one would actually be nice to you, obviously they want something.” I nod slowly in agreement but am still too horrified to speak.

“They probably want something from you…..They're trying to hurt you…..SOMETHING. IS. WRONG.” their hisses turn to shrieks of paranoia that shatters me at my very core. I turn to look at the glowing figure just as they begin to dissipate into nothing; leaving me alone here.

With the voices.