Therapy is Critical to Survival Part Two

One of the most stigmatized disorders in the world.

But what is Autism?

"Autism, or autism spectrum disorder (ASD), is a developmental disorder. It affects how people communicate and interact with others, as well as how they behave and learn.

Autism is a lifelong condition, and symptoms and signs can first appear when a child is very young. Autism cannot be cured, but therapies and support services can help a person with ASD improve their symptoms and quality of life."

(ADA)

I promise you; it is far from what you would expect, being I live with, as my therapist said, "an extreme case of High-Functioning Autism."

Today I want to talk to you about autism, generally and more specifically — High-Functioning Autism in girls.

I also will include general good-to-know facts about the signs, symptoms, and life in general when you live with Autism.

One thing I want to make very clear before we get started; yes there are many signs and symptoms of Autism Spectrum Disorder, which I will, for the rest of this story, be referring to as ASD. That being said, not every individual, both big and small, will have every symptom, and no two individuals with ASD will look or act the exact same.

If you live with ASD, you most likely deal with some form of difficulties with communication and connecting emotionally or socially well with others. You may also process sensory information differently than other humans.

These differences can underlie some of the behavioral signs or patterns of autism that we humans may display.

Some of the most common, but not limited to, signs that can indicate a person has autism are listed as follows:

1. Avoiding eye contact

2. Delayed speech and communication skills

3. Reliance on rules and routines

4. Being upset by seemingly and relatively minor changes

5. Unexpected reactions to sounds, tastes, sights, touch, and smells

6. Difficulty understanding other people's emotions

7. Focusing on or becoming obsessed by narrow range of interests or objects

8. Engaging in repetitive behaviors

"Autism spectrum disorder is a lifelong condition, and some people with autism spectrum disorder are not diagnosed until they are adults. This could be because they fall into the higher functioning range of the autism spectrum and their symptoms are less severe, or because they were misdiagnosed with a condition such as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder or obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Although treatment can improve some outward symptoms, people with autism will always process sensations such as sound, sight, touch, and smell in different ways."

(ADA)

Autism is a spectrum condition. This means that adults will experience their symptoms differently than others.

For example, an adult with minor symptoms who is on the higher-functioning range of the spectrum may experience the following:

1. Difficulties with social interaction

2. Avoidance of eye contact

3. Inability to understand nonverbal facial or body language

4. Inability to distinguish sarcasm from seriousness for example or thee tones of voice

5. Feel comforted by rules or routine

6. Become set off or upset if there are changes to the individual's routine

7. Under or overly sensitive to loud noises, strong smells, or tastes [sensory overload]

8. Repetitive behaviors

9. A narrow range of interests

10. Excellent memory and ability to recall facts

If any of you are seeing my posts for the first time, I am one hell of a mental health advocate! It fascinates the shit out of me to be able to learn in-depth about the different topics and disorders, both for self-discovery, and to be able to help those of you out there who are like me, too!

So, we've discovered some of the symptoms for those who are on the high-functioning range of the spectrum, but what about the lower end?

"An adult who is towards the lower functioning range of the autism spectrum may:

1. Never communicate verbally, or have only limited verbal skills

2. Need assistance with everyday living, such as bathing and dressing

3. Engage in repetitive behaviors, such as rocking

4. Insist on rules and routine

5. Become extremely distressed at changes to routine

6. Need specialized diets

Employment may present a challenge for adults with autism. People with autism are likely to need adjustments to be able to work productively, such as lights that do not flicker or a quiet space to work in."

(ADA)

One nearly universally common sign of ASD in adults is anxiety. Oh, the joys of anxiety… the disorder with a thousand faces.

The sad thing is, is the ratio of which diagnoses are made with boys vs. girls. The ratio of boys to girls being diagnosed with ASD is 4:1.

Just like ADHD, boys have it fucking easy.

Just like ADHD, I wasn't diagnosed until I was an adult with HF ASD.

There are also much higher rates of anxiety and depression, and eating disorders in girls/women with ASD than boys/men. So then,

What are the signs in girls and women who may have ASD?

"Signs that a girl may have autism include:

1. Difficulties with social interactions; however, differences from typical autism symptoms may include:

2. A better grasp of emotions and ability to make friends than boys

3. May mask lack of intuitive understanding of social situations by repeating role-plays seen in real life or film/television

4. May be able to make friends but find difficulty keeping them

5. Intense focus on particular topics; differences in gender may be expressed as a focus on trains or dinosaurs for boys, and celebrities or animals for girls,

6. Fewer repetitive behaviors and gestures than boys, or may have different gestures than boys

7. Reliance on rules and routine, however, that may be interpreted as good behavior in girls."

(ADA)

What I found interesting, as, even though yes, I do live with Autism. But, I was not made aware of this until two days ago, so this information is not only new for you, but me as well, but — people who have Asperger's syndrome are typically considered to be on the “High-Functioning end of the Autism spectrum.”

Even still, High-Functioning is a form of Autism nonetheless.

Just because someone is high-functioning does NOT MEAN THAT THEY CAN ALWAYS FUNCTION WELL IF AT ALL!

It is still one hundred percent a form of Autism and is a lifelong condition!

I wish I had one dollar for every time someone assumed I could function without issues…

I am high-functioning in all of my disorders. For example, when I am manic from a Bipolar One episode, I start taking better care of myself physically, shower more, eat better, etc. whirs is so mind-boggling to wrap my head around as I always knew mania tao to be a "bad thing."

Not all bad at all! Anyways, that was one of the best examples I could think of, to be honest.

I really love the American Psychiatric Association; they have so many fucking resources it is not even funny. They have self-assessments for those of you who want to see where you might fall in the mental illness world, or maybe someone you deeply care about is mentally ill, and you want to educate yourself to get to know them better — these are great reasons to check out the APA.

It is NOT intended for self-diagnosing unless you plan to talk with your doctor, and again, want to educate yourself better to have an idea of what to say to your doctor- totally get the latter!

According to the APA, the following listed are signs and symptoms of Asperger's are below:

1. Very narrow and highly focused interests

2. Great importance on rules and routines

3. High standard of language skills, potentially very formal in expression

4. Monotonous or repetitive speech

5. Poor understanding of nonverbal communication, such as facial expressions and gestures

6. Difficulties with social interactions

7. Spending time alone to escape social interaction

8. Tendency to talk about self or own interests

9. Difficulty with making eye contact

10. Poor physical coordination

There are three points above, that seem to overlap the most with the signs of autism in girls, which was listed earlier.

Now, I will dive into a bit of what all of this means in general, as well as what it means to and how it relates to me!

I must say, after reading page after page about HFASD and now Asperger's, things started to click just like dominoes! So many things that I had thought were just me, and I was weird; or they were things that everyone experienced, or I would attribute it to one of my comorbid disorders like my grandma kept shoving down my throat — "It's just anxiety, you're just trying to be the center of attention!"

My grandmother, for reference, is the top-rated and most wanted child psychologist in my state — and yes, she did say that to me. Every single time I would try to talk to her about any number of my disorders, and she would undermine and shut me down, stating it's "just anxiety, it's perfectly normal" every fucking time.

I wonder how she is going to feel now?

Being a girl, well, actually, I should say a woman, is fucking brutal when it comes to getting a diagnosis and being taken seriously — by anyone at all.

I know I am not alone in feeling this way, unfortunately. I wish I could say it will be easy for you to get the accurate diagnosis you need, but I cannot. :(

Some of the things that I now know are attributed to my HF ASD are mainly:

1. sensory overload,

2. repetitive behaviors,

3. rigid routines,

4. poor or lack of coordination,

5. I tend to talk about myself and my interests or passions a lot of the time,

6. very anti-social/socially avoidant as I struggle with social interactions,

7. difficulties accurately understanding social cues,

8. hyper-focus (sounds great, but it isn't enjoyable!!),

9. I have ZERO friends, and when I make them, I lose the friendships quickly,

10. I lack the ability to understand social situations/body language correctly, which I mask{I will get into that shortly},

11. I tend to not always catch on to sarcasm vs. Serious tones of voice,

12. I despise changes, and they upset me,

13. I only have one main interest at a time, and that is all I put my time into,

14. and I can recall strange bits of information at will, such as remembering random license plate numbers

15. I hate certain textures, such as meat despite loving the flavors

Technically speaking, the first and last two bullet points are under the same sensory overload umbrella, as sensory overload refers to, simply an overload of any one of our five senses — and in this scenario, its taste. The texture of meat, or most meats, overloads my sense of taste.

It is super difficult to distinguish what disorder is the cause of what for me, but as always, it's honesty time!!

Ever since I was about eight years old, I have had only a rapidly progressing battle with skin picking [Dermatillomania], where any time I am under some sort of distressed state, I start subconsciously scanning my skin for blemishes or imperfections, and when I find them? POP!

Honestly, though, that has been a really self-conscious behavior for 2/3 of my entire life, and all this time, I thought it was simply just a side effect from my ADHD medications, or otherwise just a part of my previously and recently new diagnosis of OCD, but apparently it is more than just that!

I also am a very, what I had thought was just my Type-A personality mixed with a little OCD, avid lover of routines, planning, and organization. I also, however, fucking hate any change that has to occur once I have a plan or routine mentally decided already, even if it's the most logical change in the world; if I didn't come up with it, it is not going to happen.

As far as coordination goes? Haha, what is that? 😂

I love to talk, too. But, the problem with that is that the talking can end up being more about me, and there is no room for person #2 to say a word.

I give so much credit to my fiance, and I do not know how he manages with me.

When I stated above that I am very anti-social due to struggling with social interactions, it is to the point where I can end up becoming completely avoid ant all together. For example, just last month, I went about 12 days unable to even touch, let alone look at my phone or computer, which honestly ties into the whole sensory overload problem that was being force-fed copious amounts of stress. As soon as my stress levels decreased, so did the sensory overload, and I could use my phone again!

Better late than… pregnant?

Overall though, even outside of when I become overloaded, I still despise socialization — unless it's in written form, digital, or paper, or unless I like you, all two of you humans. ;)

Every single social setting is painfully awkward for me — but you'll never see it. That's the joy of high functioning, all the pain that comes with mental illness, and nobody can see it.

Another reason it is painfully awkward for me to try and socialize is that I have to "wing it" with every conversation, I never know when it's my turn to speak, I constantly interrupt on accident, and I sometimes misinterpret sarcasm as a serious tone of voice, depending on how well I know the person.

Now, hyper-focusing is both a blessing and a fucking curse!

It is not something unique to ASD, either. It is also very common with Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, OCD, all of which I presently suffer from. So, it makes it a bit difficult when you have a symptom that becomes amplified by four times worse than a neuro-typical human who has no mental health problems.

That is a thought that always fucks me up, so guess what I do? [or rather what my brain does].

I hyper-focus on that thought until the thought becomes more and more distorted, branching out into the next thought, and so on.

Focusing is great, hyper-focusing, on the other hand? Can fuck off.

Let's talk about masking.

What is masking? Not the tape, either.

Masking, otherwise known as camouflaging, is the biggest reason I have had a missed diagnosis for over 20 years, which is actually very common in girls vs. Boys.

Masking can include many behaviors such as the following:

1. Copying someone's tone of voice

2. Giving an "expected" answer to a question when you feel the opposite

3. Making small talk

4. Smiling and laughing, or looking happy even when I don't have a clue what's going on

5. Pretending to understand and keep up with a conversation

6. Masking also means not doing things too:

7. Not stimming (more on this later)

8. Not being honest or talking freely

9. Not expressing emotions physically

10. Not talking to ourselves

11. Avoiding social interactions and self-isolating

Masking is almost exactly how it sounds — we are wearing a mask over ourselves.

Above, I mentioned a term called stimming. What is stimming, you ask?

Stimming is a term short to anything referred to as "self-stimulatory behavior, like repetitive movements and actions.

Now again, not everyone with Autism, like any other disease, will experience Autism or its symptoms in the same two ways. Every individual is unique and complex as hell!

I am the type of person who needs answers to shut one door, only to open up another door all over again.

But, that being said, I am grateful for my HF ASD diagnosis, as it answered a metric fuck ton of unanswered questions and explained so many things as to why I am who I am, and it is only the beginning.

I love writing so much, and I love advocating for mental health awareness even more! So, if I can write my way through my problems and help even one other soul along the way? It makes my day! I love to help others, and despite all of the trauma I have to live with, if it helps one of you at least, I have won.

I have won, and you can too.

Scarlet Scythe is an Author in the making of multiple novels, including her infamous Enchanted Luciferse Interactive Series of Five where the reader picks their path, and has an avid passion for writing in the Psychological Horror and Grim Dark genres. Scarlet is also a very active Poet as well while combating over a dozen mental illnesses, and is here to share her poetry and prose with like minded individuals.