Therapy is Critical to Survival

Here I am, sitting in my writing chair, pondering a nap while I wait for my therapy appointment in an hour. That was when something hit me.

I suppose I cannot speak for all of us who are mentally ill with, more specifically, D.I.D. BPD OCD and Bipolar One disorders, avoid or even skip our therapy appointments?

Why do we think of therapy as an annoyance or something of "little to no importance” when clearly, as the term mentally ill says — we have an illness[es] within our fucking minds. Which, in the most put terms, though a wee bit extreme…

Cancer is an illness, correct?

COPD is an illness, correct?

A cold is an illness, correct?

We go to the doctor for these things, correct?

So how is therapy something that we convince ourselves is stupid, or we don’t have time for it, or this, or that — these are all fucking excuses!!!

I say this as someone who currently does not want to go to therapy in one hour from when I write this for you. So this is not some motivational speaker trying to get a quick buck while being full of a crock of shit to get views, nope. Not even close.

Honestly? Do you know what I actually get from publishing this for the world to see?

Nothing.

Nothing is what I get, no money, no fame. But what I am hoping to achieve is awareness and to figure out the why behind it all.

I want to know why we treat therapy like an option yet rush to the doctor at the sign of a cold.

I knew I was on to something when I wrote this at the speed of light, without touching the backspace key for once — which is unheard of.

It must mean that this was right, this was what I was supposed to be writing about, and I hope it can help you as much as it is going to help me.

Right to my core, I am a very avid self-sabotageur due to one hell of a dysfunctional life from childhood through over two decades later, full of traumatizing individuals and experiences.

From what I keep noticing, this seems to be a widespread thing in today's day and age.

And then there are those dumb-ass motherfuckers who think pretending to be mentally ill is “cute and trendy.”

Maybe those people will smarten the fuck up and actually get an education on mental illness.

Same for the ones who think anyone who has a mental illness is “crazy.”

Anyways, mini-rant over and back to where I was going with this.

So, since trauma has begun to be less stigmatized and more accepted, more people now than ever are patrolled insole sort of therapy.

This makes all the more sense given the pandemic business we appear to be stuck in.

Avoiding therapy, from my experience, also falls under the form of self-sabotage.

But what is self-sabotage exactly?

In simplified terms?

Self-sabotage is consciously or subconsciously getting in your own fucking way of your own goals, responsibilities, relationships, or desires.

Fun stuff, right?

So, I am writing this to experiment. I decided I would write the first half of this story before therapy and the second half after therapy, so I could truly show you the differences in my thinking, and maybe you can relate, so try this sometime —

Write a story. In the first half, you write about your thoughts and feelings before therapy, and in the second half after therapy, and then you can compare your own notes!

But, I will show you that both this and therapy are never some 'waste of time' because time is just a concept, anyways. You can read more about my take on time and how it does not exist below!

Right now, I am floored with crippling anxiety so bad. It has manifested physicality. Sort of like a cringe sensation meets level 7 pain type deal. Plus the fact I am on the verge of my nth panic attack today since I have lost count.

The worst part?

I don’t even know why I am so anxious outside the fact that I had missed multiple weeks' worth of appointments. It just didn't make sense to me anymore to sit here anxiously avoiding the therapy I so desperately needed.

This is a prime example of self-sabotaging behavior.

There were so many things I needed to fucking say, and I had not one clue where to begin.

I still always feel uneasy about opening up to my therapist, no matter who I ended up seeing. Even though, since I went to school for psychology, I knew that a therapist could not legally share any information unless it involves harming you, a child, or a vulnerable adult.

Yet, I was still apprehensive and closed off.

Well, off to therapy!

Okay, I am back. :)

I finally did it; I conquered my self-sabotaging behavioral pattern of avoidance and did the damn thing!

I went to therapy.

And it was…

Wonderful.

Seriously, it was great. I was able to release a part of me, one of my darkest demons today. That darkest demon had its grip on me, hard.

It felt so incredible and liberating to let that part of my past go, and they say when you close one door, another one opens. It's the truth.

It won't always happen overnight or the same day by any means, but this time I felt… immediately different.

Different in an entirely new way. I am finally starting to feel free!

I want to save this story for the times I try to avoid my appointments in hopes of it helping and let me know if it helps you too.

Usually, when I am in therapy, I watch that clock like its paint drying, but this time that one hour just disappears from existence, or I finally let my guard down enough to open up.

Being a person who lives with Dissociative Identity Disorder, Bipolar One Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia, ADHD, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, and Narcolepsy every fucking day.

But, today is the day I got one hell of a new diagnosis…

Any guesses? I sure would have never guessed it, despite being damn near a walking DSM V, especially not one that is usually diagnosed in children — but there are always exceptions to every rule!

I am living proof of this, being I am 24, and I just got diagnosed with extreme high-functioning autism.

Yes, adults can be diagnosed with autism, especially if they are high-functioning — such as myself, for example.

I will be writing another piece that I will start and publish either later tonight or tomorrow, as that is about a 10 minute read at least, all on its own…

The moral of this story is to ask yourself a couple of things:

Am I avoiding therapy?

Why?

What would I benefit more from, avoiding, or going to therapy?

Your subconscious may resist, and that is okay. Natural, even. I know I fought for years, still do sometimes, but writing this out has genuinely helped me. Writing is a gift; being a writer is a gift too, but how many stories write themselves is genuinely unique. If you are a writer yourself, I am sure you know what I'm talking about.

I used to believe that my diagnosis was who I was as a person, and that was what defined me, but writing has taught me otherwise.

Thank you for coming on this writing/reading journey with me; I genuinely hope I have been of at least some help to one of you, and please, if you are ever struggling mentally and feel as if you don't have anyone to talk to, please feel free to connect with me!

Scarlet Scythe is an Author of an Interactive Dark Fiction and Psychological Horror Series--Enchanted Luciferse, Creative Writer, and Poet trying to find her way through this world with over fourteen mental illnesses and she is here to share both her Interactive Fiction and IRL Stories for like-minded readers and writers alike. ❤️