The Sun Sets Tomorrow

You paint this picture of me

In your image, the perfect child

The picture painted, comes with high expectations

High expectations are not received as the years progress, as the child grow

You become disappointed, I became a disappointment

Nothing is worse than having a broken child, I am numb to the bone

I am taught to not feel a damn thing, cause it is not that important, whatever I am feeling or wanting to express, isn’t worse than the ones who go through it more

Therefore, I am not valid. Am I valid?

I am shut in, I close up, I can no longer open up

Nothing is worse than having a dramatic, ungrateful, disobedient, lazy child.

‘Cause that is all I have been right? Nothing can go wrong because we can’t afford for anything to go wrong with you, so act normal

I am going through something, am I allowed to feel anything?

I want to be surrounded by positive thoughts, telling me that I am allowed to feel something, to be allowed to open up, because I am a human being, and I deserve to be able to open up, even if it's something small, I am valid, right?

I am closed behind these walls, I keep myself up at night, my mind is too loud.

Maladaptive daydreaming, intrusive thoughts, fantasies, desires. And many more. Wherever I go, it is better than my reality here.

I am not having fun

I keep reminding myself to touch grass, but what is the point? I want to do more than just touch grass.

This town, is however so boring, I hate it here. Every since I moved here everything has gone downhill for me. I’ve had times where I felt great, but I didn’t know anyone from here, because I am not from here

The people here sucked, it seems like I wasted an eternity living here. I still ended up having no one in my social circle but I tried.

Everything happens for a reason, but why did you have to bring me here? You could have done better, but it is okay, you tried.

What do I want?

I want the day where I can finally get to love myself.

A lot of times I feel like I’ve been hexed or cursed. It seems like my whole life I’ve been trying to put a smile on someone’s face and in return I receive a clown treatment, I’ve have not been lightly taken seriously.

I want the day to come to when I can finally be able to be myself, without getting bashed for.

I’m loving, I’m caring, I’m ambitious, I’m outgoing, and many more. Does that make me a loser? Does that make me sound too boring? I can do better, how about you? Am I not too appealing enough?

I struggle with a lot

Social anxiety, weird off and on depression whenever I feel like something isn’t going on a good path, and it’s my fault, like always. Anxiety stuck in the pit of my stomach when I respond back, it’s like I’m straining myself to be communicative all the time, it has been exhausting.

They make medicine for that but I can’t afford it, I couldn’t even afford to look like a female going to school, fun fact. Lmao

And that is why I feel so happy about what I am determining to do in my future, or later, cause then it’s going to shift me into a different form of myself, but better. Someone that I always wanted to be.

Also, I get to have whatever the hell I want, rewards rewards.

Sounds like pure freedom and happiness to me.

It hurts to acknowledge that mental health does not exist in families, parents or older siblings who act like your parents never heard of such thing. Whatever I say is “bullshit” and I have always been seen or sounded as “bullshit”. I breath “bullshit”

I want the day where I am finally having fun, living life like I should. Not receiving emotional stress and invalidation.

I want the day where I have access to doing things that I couldn’t do before, where I feel like I have someone to talk to.

High school in movies is NOT how it is portrayed in reality and that is what is making me skeptical about going to college.

High school wasn’t real enough for me, so why do I have to pay for college to see if that is what I think will be like in movies? I am still going though, if I have enough saved up by then.

Or maybe it is the High School that I went to. It was a small campus with shitty prep people, with nothing exciting happening. Sometimes I wish that I went to different schools in a different state than here.

I am graduating soon, Class of ‘2021.

Those things are going to happen, I want to work my way to getting where I want to be, it’s going to happen soon, just got to finish school and leave this town. It’s too ugly for me.

Cheers to holding on, it is never you to begin with. Wrong people, wrong place.

Have you ever felt like you’re irrelevant to the society? My fear is walking into one of those basic lives that people live after college. It’s like everything you work for, you end up living how society wants you too. It’s a very ugly simulation, no thanks.

Creating my own reality, and working for my own damn self is a way to carry the golden ticket. I’ve always done a shitty job at working for someone, like my 2019 summer job, maybe that is a good sign.

In the future, when I’m not able to get out of bed for “lazy” reasons, I’ll just hire a maid to do the dishes, and have a personal chef make me a chicken sandwich.

I don’t care if I didn’t add enough fancy English words properly into this.. Whatever you want to call it, story? Ranting? That is what brain fog does to you

There’s this website that makes you write letters to your future self, to see where you are at or how you are doing. Sounds like a great idea.

Anyways, cheers to holding on

@nema_reedy_x