The Nurturer Versus The Buddy

For seven years I have built a career working with youth in residential settings. I began my career when I was nineteen working in a Psychiatric Medical Institute for Children, then moving to a correctional group home for youth, and on to my current role as a Milieu Lead in a crisis center. I have learned many ways to therapeutically serve youth in a variety of settings. I have built a reputation that I am proud of, and at this point in my career I find myself turning my focus from the clients to the staff who support them. I want to find an effective way to put the knowledge I have gained through experience working with at-risk and traumatized youth and put it into the brains of my peers. One of the first things I teach new staff is how to interact with the youth and create a healthy relationships with firm boundaries.

Generally, on a shift there are at least two staff. One takes the role of what I affectionately call The Structurer, and the other The Nurturer. On a shift, The Structurer takes the lead. They keep the group together and follow a schedule. The Structurer generally is the point person on shift, the one who makes the hard and fast decisions and delegates tasks throughout the shift. The Nurturer is the staff who helps with the behaviors that arise along the way so the group can continue moving forward. The struggle I see most with boundaries between staff and youth, in nearly every youth residential program I’ve been employed, is that the Nurturer can very quickly become The Buddy. This generally happens when the Nurturer hasn’t been exposed to the types of abuse, grooming, or lifestyles that the youth experience. Often, they don’t understand the gravity of maintaining healthy relationships with the youth. There is a general bias of “They are just kids,” which is very true, but they are also kids who have been placed in these settings for a reason.

When a youth is admitted into any sort of residential facility, it is often the case that they haven’t had many positive role models in their immediate circumstance, often youth don’t have a good understanding of what safety should look or feel like. At-risk youth are accustomed to being groomed by adults who were supposed to keep them safe and didn’t. Therefore, it is important to keep professional boundaries. Their brains are constantly in survival mode, and they’ve been taught that in order to survive they need to be able to assess the adults in their life to determine who is going to keep them safe and who isn’t, who is going to hold them accountable and who will let them push boundaries. Often, youth don’t have the skills to create or maintain healthy attachments to the adults around them, whether it be from trauma, neglect, or poor role models, it is our job to role model for them what safe adult relationships look like.

What are grooming behaviors, and how does it relate to staff and youth boundaries?

According to the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children, the definition of grooming is, “when someone builds a relationship, trust and emotional connection with a child or young person so they can manipulate, exploit and abuse them. Children and young people who are groomed can be sexually abused, exploited or trafficked.” When staff build relationships with the youth, it is important to set a precedence that the relationship staff are building is safe, that staff will not exploit or abuse them, and show them that the relationships in their lives that are abusive or exploitative are not healthy or safe. For youth with unstable attachment styles, who have been groomed, or that have been abused in any way, it is dangerous to lead casual relationships with youth in your care as the lines can blur between the casual, easy-going relationship you believe it to be, and the manipulative, abusive relationships they have experienced.

So, how do I build relationships without being the buddy?

Having consistent responses and setting clear expectations is the best way I have learned to gain the respect of and build relationships with the youth, rather than sharing personal stories trying to relate to them. In some roles, this is encouraged such as Peer Support Specialists, but for the purpose of the direct care staff that this article is directed to, we will stick with the appropriate conversation topics which do not include personal details. When the youth know and can predict what staff expectations are, even about something as seemingly simple as what conversation topics are and are not appropriate, they are more likely to meet those expectations. It is important that the youth feel heard, validated, and empathized with. There are ways to do this without offering personal experiences or personal advice.

Example of Consistent Response:

Say a youth asks for a hug. I often don’t give hugs as it is a personal boundary of mine, so instead I tell them, “I can give you a high five instead!” and I give them a high five. The next day they reach toward me as if going for a hug and I offer my hand instead, reminding them that my boundary is a high five and not a hug. Eventually, when they seek physical reinforcement, they will automatically remember that my boundary is a high five, as I have never let them push me into giving them a hug. This is not only good for the relationship with that youth, but also a great way to role model setting and keeping boundaries.

Why can’t we have personal relationships?

Put simply, that’s not our job. It is not our role to play. We are very temporary people in their lives, and the relationships we build are not meant to last longer than their stay. We should never add clients on social media or contact them after their stay. Allowing youth to believe that the staff/youth relationship is more than a professional relationship blurs the lines for both individuals and falls into the grooming category, especially in a group setting where group dynamics are affected by the relationships staff have with each individual. We are here to keep them safe, to show them healthy boundaries, and to teach them skills. I have learned that while it can seem fun to bend the rules and feel like the kids like you, it is simply not appropriate. Youth are vulnerable, they are not your peers. We should not talk to them as we would our coworkers about our families, our troubles, or our personal details.

When a crisis occurs, kids are going to look for the staff that makes them feel safest. Staff that bend the rules and are inconsistent are also unpredictable and therefore, not safe when it matters most. They are going to gravitate towards the staff that follow a schedule, who hold limits and boundaries, the staff they know what to expect from. There are exceptions for dropping or changing expectations when needed for a youth to be able to succeed, but when you hold them to a certain accountability, they have something to reach for. Even when you drop or change an expectation, you should always return to that expectation when the youth is ready.

Example of Nurturer Vs Buddy “Dropping the Expectation”:

A youth is refusing school. They are throwing things around in their room and you know that school is just not an option right now. You drop the expectation of going to school for the moment and start smaller. First, you de-escalate them, then once they are calm you set the expectation that before we can move on, they need to clean up the things that they threw. Then, once you have gained some compliance and returned completely to baseline, you can revisit why they didn’t want to go to school and process with them to figure out an appropriate next step. There could be many reasons for the behavior, so when they are ready to process you have the opportunity to learn more about their behaviors and what they need. This staff is considered The Nurturer. The Nurturer uses trauma-informed practices to de-escalate and use the outburst as a teaching moment.

Now, say they do this again the next day. Same behavior over the same expectation, but the staff that set the expectations the day before isn’t there. The Buddy staff is more worried about maintaining the relationship than the confrontation or teaching moment, so they offer to let them watch TV for the rest of the shift instead of going back to school if they really didn’t want to go. This makes it even more difficult when The Nurturer comes back on shift the next day and it is back to square one over the school behaviors because The Buddy dropped the expectation and never picked it back up. This also creates a poor boundary between The Buddy and the youth because the youth now knows that The Buddy let them get away with something another staff wouldn’t have. Now a rift has been created between The Buddy and The Nurturer, a rift that youth pick up on.

Yes, sometimes it is easier and less confrontational to be The Buddy staff, but this does not help them learn, or show them what safe adults look like. You don’t get to see them grow and learn through their outbursts if you avoid behaviors and placate them. Our job is not to be their friend. Our job is to set the bar, adjust as needed, and watch them thrive given structure, expectations, and boundaries. Then, our job is to let them go and hopefully they learned a little bit about healthy boundaries while they were in your care. Maybe they even learned that healthy relationships don’t ask for anything in return. I hope this helps you understand why it isn’t okay to prioritize your relationship with your clients over what’s best for their growth. Having good boundaries with clients also helps you stay above the compassion fatigue we all feel. It is important in every aspect of life to set boundaries and stick to them.