A Beautiful Day

It was a beautiful autumn day. The leaves were still clinging to the trees, the colors blazing in reds, purples, and oranges. The sun was shining and the clouds were feather-like and wispy. Neighbors were walking their dogs in light sweaters and cardigans, comfortable in the sixty-six-degree weather. The windows were open, the wind carrying the laughter of the children a few houses down as they chased each other around the trees.

The happiness didn’t quite reach her though. She was not outside with her dog enjoying the sweater weather. She sat in silence with a blanket around her shoulders in the same clothes she had been wearing for three days. Her hair was matted, a tangled mess that she had given up on trying to contain. Dirty dishes filled the sink and the trash had begun to smell of spoiled food. She sat on the couch staring at a blank TV screen, her mind a fog of unfinished thoughts and cloudy memories.

She looked around her at the mess and the grime and she felt shame for not being able to get up and deal with it. The last few weeks had been hard to get through. Her bed was the safest place to lay her head, but she forced herself every day to at least make it to the couch. That was the most activity she got and it exhausted her. Her head felt heavy, her bones stiff. Her heart ached and her stomach was twisted in knots. Her brain kept going to escape routes, she thought of a list of ways to stop the pain. She didn’t want to feel this way anymore. She tried to cling to happier thoughts, memories of her loved ones, and how badly they would hurt if she were gone, but soon those thoughts were not enough to keep out the dark and twisty thoughts that began to tell her no one would care. They didn’t understand how badly she was hurting and no one ever would. No one would notice. She was replaceable. They would only hurt for a little while, then it would all just be normal.

It was easy enough for her to believe the lies her brain fed her. Once the dark thoughts surfaced they became entangled like barren branches curling around each other, contorting every thought and every emotion to the same bitter end. It was a poison in her brain that sealed her fate. She felt her heart squeeze with every breath she took. Every thought was warped. She tried to use the skills she knew she had buried in her mind somewhere, but each time she thought she could break through the heavy darkness that surrounded her, it only closed its grip on her even tighter.

“Deep breaths,” she would tell herself. As she inhaled her lungs would scream at her, her chest would explode in protest and she would be left gasping and sobbing. She would tell herself that it wouldn’t be fair for her family to find her, it wouldn’t be fair to a stranger either. She tried to force the sludge of darkness from her brain but it was too heavy. It took too much work. She was already down the rabbit hole, considering her escape options. She didn’t want to suffer anymore, and she knew there was a way out. Tears escaped her eyes before she realized she had made her decision. There was no going back now. The fog in her brain became even thicker, turning back now would be like scooping spilled water back into a shattered cup.

The breeze picked up from outside sending a shiver through her, snapping her out of her thoughts for a moment. She looked outside and observed the colors of the leaves, she paid close attention to one tree in particular. The leaves were a deep purple, she watched as the wind blew and a handful of leaves drifted away from the tree. She watched them fall and settle to the ground, no longer struggling to hold on to their branch. She decided that would be a beautiful last thing to see and stood up with her blanket still wrapped around her shoulders. She pulled it tighter around her shoulders trying to hold herself in one piece.

She walked to her desk first. She had written the letters days ago. She set them out with names facing up. Someone would find them. The silence in the house suddenly felt piercing and heavy. Her breathing took more effort as her resolve set. She put one foot in front of the other until she was in her bathroom. She turned the light on and closed the door behind her. She reached for the lock and felt her heart drop as it clicked. Her hands were shaking as she gripped the porcelain sink. It was cold on her skin and for another moment the fog lifted. She looked at her reflection in the mirror. She felt the numbness settle inside of her as the weight of the world rested once more on her shoulders. Dark bags dropped to her cheekbones, her skin shades paler than healthy.

She opened the medicine cabinet, inside lay a pocket knife and a bottle of pills she had bought from an acquaintance. Dealer’s choice. She grabbed them both and sank to the floor. She began to swallow the pills, a couple at a time until the bottle was gone. With each swallow she felt the grip that the darkness had over her loosen. The suffering was almost over.

When she began to grow tired, she somehow still hadn’t realized the gravity of what she had done. Part of her still expected to wake up and everything would be better. She would wake up and the breeze would wake her. The trees would be brighter and the children’s laughter would fill her with joy. Joy. She would feel joy again. She would hug her loved ones tighter and feel the love she had for them boil over. She had just wanted the suffering to stop. It will get better as soon as she wakes up.

It had been two days since he had heard from his girlfriend. In all the time they had been together she had never gone this long without answering. She had gone maybe a day before where she would say she needed to turn inward and deal with her thoughts, but she always came back. He assumed this was one of those times, but the longer he sat waiting for her reply the more worried he got. Fear began to claw at his chest, but he was refusing to panic. Not yet.

He called her best friend, no luck. She hadn’t seen or heard from her either. Both agreed it was probably one of her anti social spells, but worth checking out just the same. He got in his car and rolled the windows down for some fresh air to keep himself grounded. It was a beautiful fall day, the leaves were bright and the sidewalks were filled with people enjoying the sixty-six-degree weather.

As he drove he went over the last few times they had spoken before she ghosted. Was she feeling sick? Did she lose her phone? Kidnapped? The longer he sat with the fear constricting his breathing the worse his imagination became. He thought of the last time he saw her. They had gone to the mall. He remembered she had told him that she was feeling tired. More tired than usual, she described it as her soul being tired. He didn’t know what that meant exactly so he had taken her hand and tried to be there for her. They went to her favorite book store to find the newest book in her favorite series. When the bookseller handed her the book he thought she might faint. It was one of those dramatic moments like in movies where the lights dim and a spotlight shines and music plays. Her eyes shown with happy tears as she held her new possession. He loved her so much in that moment, he couldn’t help but smile at her, her joy contagious. Please be okay, he pleaded with the universe.

He pulled into the driveway where her car sat. He raced up the front steps and knocked on the door, more aggressively than necessary but he was shaking and knew at this moment that something was dreadfully wrong, but he wouldn’t let his mind go there. Not yet. He waited mere seconds before trying the door. It was unlocked. He entered the threshold and began calling out her name. He noticed the dishes in the sink, the open window, and the trash covering every surface of space. It was unlike her to keep her home so unruly. The space was small, the bedroom door open. Inside her bedroom was the bathroom, the door closed. He felt ready to vomit as he tried the door to find it locked. He pulled out his phone to call for help as he began to shove himself against the door. He knew she was on the other side and he prayed it wasn’t too late. With each blow of his shoulder against the door his panic siezed his chest harder. He screamed into his phone for the operator to send help.

Finally, the door gave way, he dropped his phone and realized tears were blurring his vision as he laid eyes on the love of his life laying lifeless on the floor. All the fear that had been building in his chest bubbled over, his heart broke into tiny pieces. He fell to the floor beside her and lifted her head into his lap. He stroked her hair with one hand while searching for a pulse with the other. It was there, but barely. If the ambulance didn’t hurry she would slip away from him forever. He reached for his phone to see if the operator was still there.

“She’s still alive, please hurry,” he choked out. The lady on the line assured him that help was on the way.

“Please don’t leave me, keep breathing. I am here, I will keep you safe. Just stay with me,” he sobbed. He cradled her against him, begging her to wake up.

He heard the ambulance arrive within minutes and was asked by a paramedic to keep out of the way. He reluctantly handed her over to the men and prayed they could bring her back. He backed out of the bathroom, feeling the distance between them grow, taking a piece of him with it. He reached for the nearest piece of furniture to steady himself as his legs began to wobble. It was her desk. He caught sight of a stack of envelopes, each with a name.

The lump in his throat swelled in size as he choked on his sobs. He reached for the letter with his name on it and for a moment he felt time stand still. Before he could decide to read it or not, the EMT’s had emerged from the bathroom. There she lay on a stretcher, motionless. Police had also arrived, ready to take his statement. Someone told him that he could meet them at the hospital, he felt another pat him on the shoulder, but all he could see was the girl he loved being carried out of her house on a table. The rest of the world was a blur. He followed them outside and watched as they took her away, and the only thing holding him upright was the hope that they could save her. The leaves that seemed so bright earlier now looked sad and faded. The air that was so comfortable earlier was now cold and unforgiving. The sun began to set, and darkness crept around them.