The Hole

I walk along the edge. The day is sunny and warm. There is a slight breeze and the birds are singing. But I see them but can’t find pleasure in the day. It is coming. I feel it. I feel almost powerless to stop it. A bout of depression is slowly stalking me.

I try to move slowly and precisely. I am careful in all my actions today. I try doing something but the world feels like it is spinning faster than normal and I can’t quite get my bearings. There are things I should be doing but I just don’t have the energy. So I slow down.

Yes, I will take it easy and relax. But that invites a new danger. It is as if I am sitting on the ground at the edge of a large hole in the ground. I can see the hole but I feel safe at the edge looking in. This is a risky spot to be in. It is false comfort.

When I realize I am too close to the edge, I try to move away. I can’t stand up because that is too much effort. So I try to crawl away from the edge.

That is when the hole starts to pull me in. It doesn’t pull so much as welcome me into its depths. I begin to slide. There are no footholds or things to grab onto. If I try to grab the earth, its dryness falls away and leaves me grasping. I grapple and fight but I know I am lost and give in to the slide. The hole has me.

I relax and slide into the darkness. The hole surrounds me with its darkness and silence.

I have been in many holes like this before and know I will fall in more throughout my life. As I slide I silently pray that this hole will be shallow and I can crawl out of it in a few hours. Some have been deep enough to hold me overnight but I crawl out in the morning or if I am lucky I find myself out of the hole in the morning with the magic of sleep.

Other holes are deeper. They keep you in darkness. Lost in their cavernous void, you are forced to search for a way out, a rope dropped in by a helping hand or you wait. I often wait.

I know what the holes are and I have come to accept their existence. I try to watch myself so I don’t fall into them but sometimes they just appear out of nowhere with no cause of their creation.

There have been some very large deep holes that have held me for a very long time. Some get shallower over time while others magically fill in quickly. I never know what size hole I am sliding into until I hit the bottom. Those with ledges are the worst. You land on a ledge and think you are fine until that gives way and you fall deeper.

But when you find the bottom, you know that there is a place of rest, quiet and solitude. And the only way is up from there. When I stand at the bottom and look up, I can see the sun shining above me. That gives me hope to find a way out of the hole.

So I crawl, grab, dig and search. I have become a master of getting out of holes. Some have been very dark and scary and I have almost lost hope of ever standing on the ground again, but I did manage. And I have learned from my struggles.

So now I can be the person reaching down to help others out of the holes they have fallen into.

If you like what you have read or feel connected to the story, please leave a tip to help me fill in the holes in my life and give me the gear to get out of any future holes.