Suicide Watch

When I was 15 years old I tried to smother myself with a pillow. Not the best way to attempt suicide. In hindsight I realize that all that would have happened would be that I would pass out, relax my grip on the pillow and begin to breathe. I suppose I should have used a dry -cleaning bag instead. Now I am very glad I didn’t.

In the middle of my attempt, my mother knocked on my bedroom door and told me to come out of my room and watch tv with she and my dad. Being the dutiful daughter that I was, I put aside my suicide pillow and sat on the couch and laughed at sitcoms. Obeying my parents that first night was to become a trend that often pulled me through dark times. It provided structure when I was feeling lost.

Not long after that night my parents took me to dinner at the country club. It was the perfect location for a talk. No one could raise their voices or make a scene. They asked what was going on. I said I hadn’t been feeling well. They said I could have a check -up to see how I was physically. If they found nothing wrong, then they could take me somewhere to have me checked out further. I knew that this was a veiled threat that I better shape up or get locked up in a psych ward. My mother had been a nurse in a psych ward and we had all heard the stories.

I buried any issues I was having and learned to act more normal. I managed to fly under the radar of teachers, counselors and most importantly my parents and friends. No one ever knew how many times over the years that my life the thought went through my mind. Slit wrists, pills, hanging or crashing a car. Oddly, my fear of heights prevented dropping from a tall building as being a viable option. Nothing was ever acted upon or tried or even seriously considered as that first night with the pillow. They were merely fleeting thoughts brought on by changing moods, emotions and my own mental health. I now know that I was never really a serious risk to myself but I did need to explore and take control of my mental health.

I did visit a couple of doctors. The first at the insistence of my father and the second I chose on my own. I received the same result both times. At the end of the third session, they told me they saw no reason for me to continue coming to see them. I would be wasting my time and money. My skills at acting normal had been perfected. I can say the right thing at the right time. Or they saw that I wasn’t as ill as I thought. I prefer to believe it is the latter.

I even took medication for a time but that had no effect and the side effects were worse. The change in my mental state at that time turned out to be physical not emotional. A correction in my diet gave me positive results during that period. Through research I learned a lot about the gut mind connection.

Since that time, I have been very aware of what alters my moods. I am aware of what is going on with my body as well as my environment. Hormone levels during menopause fluctuate as much as those during puberty. I was much wiser at that stage than back when I was 15 and feeling lost. I wonder how many lives have been lost to the simple act of growing up.

Mental health is just that – health. You can become ill temporarily or chronically much as you do with a cold or arthritis. What we each need to determine is the level of illness and the proper way to treat it. Luckily the stigma surrounding mental health is being lifted, albeit slowly. Help has become more available than ever as well. Many people can now speak with a professional from the comfort and safety of their own homes through their phones and computers. No more having to walk into an office and feel everyone is looking at you. Now, no one needs to know where you are going. You can stay in the safety of your bed, much like you would while treating the flu. The advent of telehealth is a blessing for those seeking help for mental health.

I am glad to know that there are so many options out there and techniques to handle every situation life may throw at me. In recent years I have handled the death of friends and family members, a divorce, loss of a pet, loss of friendships and jobs and I have handled them well. I acknowledge my emotions and analyze my moods much better than when I was young. I am also not afraid to ask for help.

Now rather than wanting to escape into oblivion, I learn and look forward to tomorrow.