I am in the grocery store doing my regular shopping when it happens. I can feel it coming. There is no large fanfare or noise or even a whoosh. It is a slow build. It starts small most of the time. A little catch in my breath that makes my lungs contract quickly. Then it feels as if they forget how to work even though I can feel that they are just fine. Fine enough that is. A full, deep breath isn’t going to happen anytime soon without a lot of concentration and effort. Then the tingles start. They are spotty at first. A finger twitches then maybe a shoulder. Small enough that no one around me notices. They don’t always happen but they feel as if they may explode all over my body and throw me to the ground in convulsing heap. So, I move. I walk, but it isn’t my normal walk because at this point that is nearly impossible. I need to concentrate on this too. Move my foot. Good. Now the other one. Doing fine. No, the feet are supposed to come up off the ground. No looking like Frankenstein’s monster. No dragging the feet or shuffling. Oh, wait, stop walking. Am I still breathing? Yes? Good. Okay back to walking. What is my wrist doing? Why is it twitching my hand? Ok, the hands are under control. Back to the walking. Slow careful steps and look normal. Oh no. The next phase is here. Close the mouth. Close the mouth! Don’t let what is in your head get out. Keep the scream in! Bite the lips. That will work. Bite the lips but remember to breathe. The screams are in my head wanting to get out. I won’t let them so they send a noise to my ears instead. Now I feel distant from everything around me because I don’t hear any of it. I need to focus. Frozen foods. Good choice. Read labels. Walk slowly. Remember to breathe. Reading labels is a good thing. Make my mind concentrate on something other than the massive desire to scream. Doing good. Oh no. No not that. Please not that. Stop. Close eyes for a second and force myself to take a deep slow breath. Exhale out of the mouth in a slow steady even exhale. Good that stopped them. The tears try to sneak out all the time. They steal the breath and hide in the screams and attempt to sneak past when I am concentrating on the body. Sometimes I let them run free. But that is in the car or at home. Never in public. I can let the screams out when I am alone as well. And the twitches. I can shudder and shake and throw my hands around as much as I please in my own home. I can cry till my eyes are red and scream into pillows or while standing in the shower. But in public none of that is allowed. I won’t allow it. There are the looks. The stares. The sidelong glances. The mothers hurrying their children away from the lady who is acting odd. Now I am in the checkout line. I shift my feet and act impatient but it really is just keeping me from throwing my hands up in the air and running up and down the aisles. The idea of running wildly about waving my arms and screaming at the top of my lungs sounds so appealing that It makes me smile. Then there is that part of my brain that reminds me I cannot do that. So, I shift to the other foot and take a slow deep breath. I am standing in one place so I must do something to keep calm. Focus on something other than what I am feeling. No labels to read here. Good to know frozen food labels work. I have used the soup aisle in the past as well. The numbers game! That will do. Counting backwards from one hundred by threes. Ok, begin. Darn, I can’t do that yet. It is my turn to check out. Smile, nod an don’t throw the food. Place it smoothly and steadily on the conveyor belt. Can’t make eye contact or I may lose my concentration. Pay, smile and thank the cashier. Pick up my groceries. Got ahold of the bags? Yes, good. Now make it to the exit. Don’t run. Slow even steps but not too slow. Don’t swing the bags. Good. Out of the store. Begin the numbers game again. Walk to the car. Made it pretty far through the countdown. I may need to come up with another trick. Groceries in car. Close door, start car. OK, one indulgence. A major shudder is released and my shoulders shake and a noise comes out of my mouth. Not sure what to call the noise. Somewhere between a moan and a scream. That’s better. Safe to drive. I can concentrate to get home. It’s beginning to ease up now anyway. I think I will be ok shortly after I get home. Then I will be fine. Fine until the next one. Fine until I feel it coming on again. Fine until the next anxiety attack.
About the Creator
Traci E.
Writing can be therapy, insanity or both. Here is my mind, my dreams, my fears, my thoughts, my life laid bare to share with you. Enjoy the journey into what is at once my blog, diary and world, and don't forget to tip your guide.
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The secret journey to regaining emotional stability
Do you feel that the anxious and avoidant types both seem to be strong and independent, but in fact they are sensitive and fragile. They often fall into emotions because of small things and start to be anxious and avoidant? If anxious and avoidant types want to change these, what they actually need is to compensate for their missing parts and heal their injured parts. In this issue, we will teach the avoidant and anxious types how to cultivate themselves again, making their emotions more stable, more rational in relationships, and at the same time gaining the ability to actively output emotional value. If anxious and avoidant types want to overcome the sensitive and fragile parts of themselves and obtain stable emotions, they need not only cognitive adjustments, but also need to heal the traumatized parts of themselves and compensate for the regretful parts of themselves. For example, the regret of the avoidant type is that they have not been paid serious attention to and have never truly rebelled. Therefore, the avoidant type will not fight for their own needs in many situations, resulting in uncomfortable situations and relationships, and they are always running away and wandering. The trauma of the anxious type is that they are trapped in unstable relationships and have been hurt by the instability in intimate relationships. The slightest fluctuation will make the anxious type feel nervous and anxious. Therefore, anxious and avoidant types are inherently fragile, sensitive, and unstable. In summary, these reasons are that something is missing during the growth stage, or they have suffered some trauma, so if you want to solve these problems, this is the time. Compensate when you need to compensate, heal when you need to heal, exercise when you need to exercise, just treat yourself as a child and raise yourself again. If the avoidant and anxious types re-train themselves, what kind of growth can they gain? First of all, emotions will become more and more stable. For example, you can be aware of your emotions at the first time, avoid emotions from affecting your thoughts and judgments, and learn to regulate your emotions. Secondly, you can truly understand yourself and know your real needs and fears. In the process of re-nurturing yourself, you can clearly understand your needs and fears, that is, you can know why you are attracted to a certain person, why you behave like this, and then you can better understand what you need.
By angelababy2 days ago in Psyche
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