The Ever-Changing State of Mind

Hey, how have you been? Wait, stop. I don’t care. No, wait. I care… I care a lot.

The Ever-Changing State of Mind

I don’t feel anything. Nothing matters to me. I’m feeling more than I can. Everything matters more than it should. Everything is at stake. Meh, I don’t care much about it. Whatever. Why can’t I stop thinking about everything? I need to calm down. Wow, this is weird. I can barely express anything. I don’t feel like doing anything. I feel so stagnant. Oh GOD why!! Why can’t I stop feeling so terrible? I just want to cry. I don’t know how to stop. Why do people have reactions? I barely have any reactions. Wait, why don’t I react to things? I don’t understand why I overreact so much. Why can’t I control my emotions? Where are my emotions? Why? What is happening to me? What is happening to me…………...…?

I remember during my last suicide attempt (yes, I am suicidal and have attempted it multiple times) I was unusually calm. I had overdosed on Nabumetone, Methocarbomol and Naproxen. I still remember the names and the taste of the drugs like it was yesterday. However, I also remember laughing like a maniac while overdosing. When the taste was too much for me to take and my body was on the verge of rejecting it even before it entered into my system, I laughed my way into gulping down the drugs. I was completely alone, so it was easier to do both—laugh like a maniac and overdose like an addict. After that, things were completely still. The silence was getting to my nerves. I laid down on my bed. There wasn’t anybody to talk to. Eventually, I got used to the silence. I was waiting for death without any hesitation. I felt so calm that for a moment, I felt awkward thinking what kind of a psychopath am I? I’ll never forget how peaceful those moments were, when I was simply waiting for death. Fear, anxiety, remorse—I wasn’t feeling any of it. I was laying on my bed, eyes wide open, waiting for the life in me to escape. Right then, I felt a slight pain in my chest, in my throat, in my head and finally in my stomach. Even before I could comprehend, I had started vomiting. It felt as though my intestines were going to come out. When I was done realizing that death wasn’t coming for me today, I simply washed my face, took a shower and continued being the a**hole I was before.

A few nights ago, somebody close to me texted, “I hate you legit so much. I mean I really like not talking to you.” Now here’s some context behind the text. This person and I had not been at the best of terms for the past one week or so. Nevertheless, a few nights ago I texted this person, “Don’t know if you will/want to see this. ALL THE BEST!!!” This person had an event coming up and had been working hard for it. So, keeping all the differences aside I thought of wishing them the best. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Don’t know if you will/want to see this. ALL THE BEST.

Person: Thanks.

Person (after a while): I mean I don’t see why you’d have to do so much formality.

Me: Aadat hain. (It’s a habit)

Person (after a while): I hate you legit so much. I mean I really like not talking to you.

When I first read the text, I thought to myself, “Lol same. I hate myself too. Makes sense.” So, as my numbness would have it, I texted this person back with the idea that if they "really like not talking to me," then they should simply stop talking to me. That’s the only logical solution, I guess. To be honest, I don’t like talking to myself either. It was pretty late at night and the only thing I could think at that point was that if this person really does stop talking to me, I’ll finally get some sleep. Therefore, I kept encouraging this person to not talk to me which turned out to be counterproductive. Turns out, the more words I type, the more words I receive. Finally, I stopped sending anything and that did the trick. It was pretty silent after that. I couldn’t fall asleep right away, but the silence helped. My head was completely blank. I was aimlessly staring at the ceiling. Then something struck me. I was absolutely unbothered by the conversation. That’s when I really took notice of the numbness in my attitude. It felt weird. Naturally, a text like that would’ve taken away my sleep for the entire week. Even when I texted, “Aadat hain (It’s a habit).” I did so not intentionally, but because I didn’t know what to reply. The reason I wrote, “Don’t know if you will/want to see this” was because I seriously didn’t know. I wasn’t being formal. I was clueless. It was almost as though all the humane emotions had left my psyche completely. At that moment all I could feel was the heaviness of my eyelids. I wasn’t feeling hurt or betrayed. I felt nothing but sleepy, and before I knew it, I was out cold.

Something weird has been happening lately. I’ve been feeling awfully numb. Not in the literal sense of the word. Just emotionally. I don’t know why and from when this started happening. It’s true that I noticed it only a couple of days ago, but it felt as though this void has been within me for a while now. People’s words and reactions seem to have no effect on me. When I talk to people, I don’t think twice before saying things. I speak whatever’s on my mind. Even after being repeatedly asked to not be so rude I continue to speak without any hesitation. It hardly matters what people think of me because of this. Couldn’t have cared less about their feelings and problems. My dad called me arrogant because of this nature of mine. I guess he wanted to use the word honest. Probably made a mistake. My mom told me that I have changed a lot from what I was. She couldn’t believe the lack of empathy in my behavior. Well, at least her conclusion was more accurate than my dad’s.

Something weird has been happening lately. I’ve been feeling awfully sensitive. Not in the literal sense of the word. Just emotionally. I don’t know why and from when this started happening. It’s true that I noticed it only a couple of days ago, but it felt as though this baggage has been with me for a while now. People’s word and reactions seem to have too much of an affect on me. When I talk to people, I get over cautious before saying things. I struggle to speak my mind. Even after being repeatedly asked to not overthink I hesitate to speak out. It matters a bit too much to me what people think of me. I can’t stop thinking about what people feel and go through. My dad called me a snowflake because of this nature of mine. I guess he wanted to use the word emotional. Probably made a mistake, I’m not sure. What if he didn’t? My mom told me that I haven’t learnt to be strong, yet. She’s worried about the lack of emotional strength in my behavior. Well, at least her conclusion was more comforting that my dad’s.

A few nights ago, somebody close to me texted, “I hate you legit so much. I mean I really like not talking to you.” Now here’s some context behind the text. This person and I had not been in the best of terms for the past one week or so. Nevertheless, a few nights ago I texted this person, “Don’t know if you will/want to see this. ALL THE BEST!!!” This person had an event coming up and had been working hard for it. So, keeping all the differences aside I thought of wishing them. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Don’t know if you will/want to see this. ALL THE BEST.

Person: Thanks.

Person (after a while): I mean I don’t see why you’d have to do so much formality.

Me: Aadat hain. (It’s a habit)

Person (after a while): I hate you legit so much. I mean I really like not talking to you.

When I first read the text, I could feel my eyes getting watery. Seconds later, there was a teardrop on my phone screen. I felt attacked and extreme disappointment. So, as my pettiness would have it, I texted this person back with the idea that if they "really like not talking to me" then they should simply stop talking to me. I thought that this would make the person more guilty about what they had just said. I guess, I’m not the best person to talk to, but when that comes from someone close to me, it simply shatters everything on the inside. I realized that it was pretty late at night and that this person has an event tomorrow. However, I was hurt, and I wasn’t letting this person get away so easily. I didn’t care whether they got enough sleep. This made me realize how selfish I was being in doing so. Therefore, I kept encouraging this person to not talk to me, which turned out to be counterproductive. Turns out, the more words I type, the more words I receive, and although I wanted them to feel truly guilty, I couldn’t stop thinking about this person getting proper sleep. Finally, I stopped sending anything and that did the trick. It was pretty silent after that. I couldn’t fall asleep and the silence was haunting. My head was on the verge of exploding. I was staring at the ceiling wondering about the words this person used—"hate you," "really like not talking to you." Then something struck me. I was too grief-stricken by this conversation. That’s when I really took notice of the sensitivity in my attitude. It felt weird. Naturally, a text like that wouldn’t have taken away my sleep. In fact, when I texted, “Aadat hain(It’s a habit),” I did so intentionally, to confuse this person and thereby, keep the conversation going. The reason I wrote, “Don’t know if you will/want to see this” was because I wanted to catch their attention while referencing our current differences. I was purposely being formal to bring it to their attention that things aren’t alright. I was shocked. It was almost as though all the humane emotions had decided to flow through my psyche. At that moment all I could feel was the heaviness in my heart. I was feeling immense heartache and unprecedented betrayal. I couldn’t sleep at all and before I knew it, the sun was out.

I remember during my last suicide attempt (yes, I am suicidal and have attempted it multiple times) I was extremely chaotic. I had overdosed on Nabumetone, Methocarbomol and Naproxen. I still remember the names and the taste of the drugs like it was yesterday. I also remember crying my heart out while overdosing. When the taste was too much for me to take and my body was on the verge of rejecting it even before it entered into my system, I forced myself into gulping down the drugs while tears flowed down my eyes. I was completely alone and even though I was being overdosed by myself I could feel my blood curling by the thought of nearing death. After that, things were completely still. The silence was getting to my nerves. I laid down on my bed. There wasn’t anybody to talk to. The silence heightened my anxiety. I was desperately fighting the urge to pick up the phone and call someone to save me. I wasn’t waiting for death; I was simply waiting for the pain deep in my heart to finally end. I felt so depressed and anxious that for a moment I asked myself, “Why did I overdose if I’m so scared?” I’ll never forget how terrifying those moments were, when I was unwillingly waiting for death. Fear, anxiety, remorse—were running deep within my mind, forcing me to bawl like a child. I was laying on my bed, eyes wide open waiting for the life in me to escape. Right then, I felt a slight pain in my chest, in my throat, in my head and finally in my stomach. Even before I could comprehend, I had started vomiting. It felt as though my intestines were going to come out. When I was done realizing that death wasn’t coming for me today, I simply washed my face, took a shower and continued being the emotional piece of sh*t I was before.

bipolar
How does it work?
Read next: Never In the Cover of Night
Gourav Bhattacharya

We are emotional beings and our emotions mold us into what we finally become. From time to time I tap into this emotional side to pen down stories and anecdotes that are close to my heart. 

See all posts by Gourav Bhattacharya