Late Night Ramblings

Today I honestly don’t know what to write about. There’s so much that I want to type and let out into the world, but the fear of the consequences drives me crazy. There is so much I want to reveal for everybody to know and see. I’m just so frustrated that I’m literally lost. Writing for me has always been about honesty, but today I don’t even have that.

Why do we care about these consequences? It is so stupid. If I want to write about what’s on my mind, why does somebody else’s reaction have to be so important for me? I thought writing was supposed to help relieve me from stress. However, today all it is relieving me from is the freedom of expressing myself. Just because I am afraid of what my close ones will think after reading my true words, I am here ranting about how I don’t have the freedom to voice my thoughts.

I don’t talk much with anyone, except for a select few. That’s why writing is all I have when it comes to communicating with anybody irrespective of whether it’s a stranger or an acquaintance. Yet, here I am at 1:24 AM writing about how I cannot write about what I truly feel. Today if I go filter-less and write about my parents it’s a given that I’ll hurt their feelings and might as well be disowned. Today if I express my true feelings about my sister or about the couple of friends I have, they’ll stop talking to me. The only person I can be completely honest with is my girlfriend and as things would have it, more often than not, that ends up hurting her feelings. Nevertheless, she deals with my anger and my acid tongue better than I could have asked her to. Her unconditional love and acceptance of me is something I’ll always be grateful for. Unfortunately, everybody isn’t like that. People get offended by everything! For God’s sake, grow some skin. If you don’t have the ability to listen to the truth about yourself then don’t ask me to converse with you. I am anyway struggling with writing dishonestly, don’t ask me to fake it in reality as well.

What’s stupid about all this is that everybody expects me to have a solution for their problems as well. I mean, why? Why do I have to care about your problems while also sugarcoating my words when I try to describe your problems to you? It makes lesser sense when you realize that all the people who ask for both my civility and my advice are all elder to me by some amount. You would think that the extra time they had on earth compared to me should’ve helped them attain the maturity to deal with their issues. Nope. Interestingly, the only person who doesn’t ask me for solutions for their own problems all the time is my girlfriend. She’s the one person whose problems I want to listen to and put in all the effort to not hurt her feelings while trying to solve them. However, she’s the only person who deals with her problems herself. She’s two years younger to me. *Shaking my head thinking about this utter gobbledygook of a situation*

I am just so frustrated at this point. 1:50 AM

*Aft er another failed attempt at sleeping*

3:59 AM: I don’t sleep well at night that is of course if I sleep at all. There are so many secrets that keep circulating the virtual walls of my mind. I try to forget them, but they stay anyhow. These secrets and thoughts, they’re so deeply embedded within me that now they’ve become an unwanted part of my life. I wish I could erase them, forever. I really wish I could. Sometimes, I feel like shouting them out into the open and free myself from the burden, but fear. Fear’s a strong thing. As I mentioned earlier, the fear of consequences stops me from letting it all go. This fear is so strong that it makes you gulp it all down. At times, it feels as though these secrets are slowly-slowly gnawing my insides. What’s pathetic about it is the anger that overshadows this fear. Everybody sees the anger. Nobody sees the pain, the denial, the irritation, the internal struggles and conflicts that cause it.

Earlier I whined about people coming to me for solutions to their problems. I’ll be honest. I don’t hate that. I do understand it. It is just that sometimes I feel suffocated. I don’t want to ruin my relationship with anyone and thus, I keep a lot of things to myself. And these things, they keep me occupied 24/7 in the disguise of thoughts. I never told anyone this, but my chest aches at times when I think too much. I wish I had somebody to talk to. Somebody I could be honest with without the fear the of consequences. I am completely honest with my girlfriend, but there are certain things I avoid discussing with her as those things go on to only ruining her mood. She shouldn’t have to spoil her days just because mine don’t seem go well.

Some people don’t like to share what’s within themselves. I do, yet my circumstances don’t allow me to.

It truly is frustrating that I’m ending 2019 on such low spirits. However, what’s worse is that 2020 won’t bring along anything to help it. Once again, I’ll have to go about my life hiding my true feelings about those I know and the secrets of others - the revelation of which will destroy me a lot more than anybody else. I wish I could just simply drown in these thoughts once and for all while perishing away into oblivion.