The Darkness

In the depths of darkness, nothing flourishes. It drowns you, consumes you whole. The inner fluttering of your soul, your entire wellbeing is silenced with the inevitable gloom of darkness. Anything that once made you feel alive. Gone.

Your youth is like a one way street. Everything and anything leading to one destination. Nomatter how strong you may be, nomatter how determined you are to come out victorious, happy, satisfied, the darkness sucks you back in. Your final destination? Darkness.

At least, this was how I felt that cold, gloomy winters night. The darkness had swallowed me whole. I existed as not a human being, but a being. There was no personality, no light in my dull eyes. I had been drained. Completely and utterly drained out of everything that made me human.

The street was eerily silent. Muted hues of grey surrounded me. The moon, illuminating the edges of every shape on the landscape fell behind me as I stumbled my way forward. The smell of winter enveloped me, smoke whisping around me like some sort of mythical, paranormal creature.

I stumbled along. Each step felt like I was walking closer to my death and I didn't mind. My mind was arace yet empty, I was thinking everything yet nothing at once. The world felt like one big swirl of colours. I couldn't do this. I was drowning.

My pace quickened. I was tripping on everything in my path. The inconsistent sound of my feet hitting the floor felt like drums in my ear. Every step, my brain rattled around in my head. My head was pounding. It hurt. Man, it hurt.

My eyes were dropping lower, the systematic swirl of the world hurt too much.

Suddenly, white enveloped my vision. The bright lights put my mind at ease a little. The all too welcome green, red and white sign of 7/11 came into view and I was beyond happy.

I stopped my pace. My hands fumbled around my body, grasping at the pockets of my puffer jacket. Empty. My left Jean pocket. Empty. My right Jean pocket. Empty. I was getting desperate now, squeezing at all the fabric on my body, trying to find something. Anything. I was in a state of panic, any happiness I had experienced 30 seconds ago was gone, dissipated by the state of desperation that took over me.

Finally my hand found its way to my back pocket. Sliding my hand down the rough fabric of the denim, something clinked. Money.

A huge sigh of relief escaped my body. I let my eyes droop slightly. A car whizzes past me, I stumble sideways onto the road. The sudden sounding of a car horn scares me as a car zooms past me, only centimetres away from my arm.

And suddenly panic rushes my senses. Before I can even think, I run. The winds howling now and all I can hear is the noise the wind rushing past my ear. My heart's beating at a million miles a second. Blood rushes to my face and I'm aflame. Everything hurts. Everything is numb. My feet are slaves to my body as they push on the ground.

I come to a halting stop when i reach a blinding light. The red, green and white light reflects onto my face, emphasising the sweat covering me. I glance up. It's the 7/11.

Stumbling inside, the panic subsides. Darkness takes over. What was once a bright, blinding store is now a tomb of sadness. I spot a few people in the store but I don't care. I don't know them.

I'm searching the aisles, not looking for anything in particular. I don't know why I came to this dumb place to be honest. There was no purpose to my decision. As I wander the store, I let my mind wander. I move like a zombie, not even caring about where I'm going, trapped inside my mind.

Everything's rushing into my head now. My loneliness. My depression. My anxiety. My BPD.

My darkness.

No-one likes me. I have no purpose in this world. I have everything, I should be so grateful. There are people out there who have it worse than me, people who struggle for every meal. I'm selfish, I'm not grateful. I have no friends, no-one wants to talk to me. I have no life, I rely on drugs to keep me going. What's the point in me being here? Why waste food, water, money and energy bring around? I want to die. But I don't want my family to be sad. God, why can't I dissappear with no consequences, act like I never existed. Everything would be easier. I'm so fat too, no-one will ever love me. Why have my classmates all got girlfriends and boyfriends and I'm alone? Why am I like this? Why was I born like this?

I sink deeper into the bottomless pit with every thought. I find myself on my knees, tears brimming my eyes. I blink desperately, trying to not cry. Don't cry, people will think your weak. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry.

I can't do it. Suddenly I'm balling. Tears run down my face like a waterfall but less pretty. God I'm so weak, why can't I keep my tears in.

I reach for a product in front of me. Blinded by the tears, I'm grabbing nothing. My hand clasps around a Monster can.

God what a pitiful sight I am, crying on a 7/11 store floor in the middle of the night holding a monster. On this thought, I try to wipe away my tears. The bright lights not helping.

Taking out the spare change in my pocket, I count it, hoping I have enough.

I fall short 50cents.

And the world around me is crumbling. I'm on the edge of tears again but I can't cry. Not again.

I hear footsteps approaching me but I'm too ashamed to look up.

'Hey dear'

The voice is soft, weathered. Like a grandma. I slowly look up and indeed I do see an old lady.

'Are you okay?"

She puts a hand towards me and I take it, standing up.

I stare at her, tears still brimming the edge of my eyes but I smile. Something I haven't done in a long time.

She hands me a $5 bill and tells me to buy whatever I want.

I beam, thanking her tremendously, tears now spilling down my face again.

You see, normally I wouldn't accept the money but today was different. I needed that small act of kindness. It wasn't even the money that made my day just that little bit better but the idea. She saw how much of a mess I was and took it upon herself to help.

It's those small acts of kindness we need in the world. The type where you don't expect anything in return. The type where you do something because you care, not to gain something from doing it. Not because you want to look kind, not because you feel like you have to help someone but because you want to. That's what made my day. That's what makes the world a better place.

The small act of selflessness I experienced didn't solve all of my issues but I will never forget that lady, she's probably the reason why I'm still here today.