The Cycle

Ever since I was little, I've been chasing the wrong things. The wrong dreams and goals. Never having any real direction or idea of what I really wanted from life. The last ten to fifteen years, I think I've just been on autopilot, not really going with the flow, but not really going my own way either. I've been lost and out of my mind with depression and anxiety so long, I don't know who I am outside of that. What do I really want? From myself and my life. Do I want to continue the way that I am, not really living?

I barely remember being a child. Most of my memories have been blacked out because of various traumas and when I sit and try to remember how I felt, what I liked and enjoyed, I almost always come up blank. I can remember feeling alone. Not just because I was different and picked on continually, but because I had no one to turn to. No one I could really trust with my deepest secrets and pains. I had no one that could take me in their arms and make everything better. I didn’t feel like anyone wanted to after a certain point. I came to realize that I would have to do it on my own. I refused to let them see me fail. But fail I did.

As a teenager and adult I've made so many mistakes. So many failures. So many things I wish I had done different. I sought what I didn't have in all the wrong people. People who were emotionally unavailable. Distant. Abusive. What else could I do but fall for what I knew? I ended up doing exactly what I didn't want to do. I started to be like my parents. Lost in my own pain and misery, unable to see to how it was affecting those around me. I didn't care about the people I hurt as long as I was ok. But in truth I wasn't. Even when I thought I was happy in a relationship, I wasn't really. I was merely pretending. Pretending I was something I wasn't and pretending to be happy. I had no idea what I really wanted besides the pain and loneliness to end.

I've never attempted to take my life, but I've thought it out several times, and in times of weakness, I still get those thoughts. That the people I love would be better off without me. That they could live happier lives if I wasn't dragging them down. Another almost constant battle in my head. Not only do I fight the anxiety in a stressful situation, but I must also battle the voice in my head that tells me to give up and just put an end to it all. Which then breaks my heart and makes me cry harder than I already was. Most days I can only see the mess that I am.

While that is all true, I'm still here, fighting every day for my happiness and the happiness of those I love. I think of my little girl, growing up in this world without her mother, and I won't do that to her. I won't leave her with that pain and suffering to never understand why. If nothing else, I am fighting or her to have a better life and childhood than I did. To not make the mistakes I made. To trust in someone to always be there no matter what. To not live her life in shadows, hiding who she really is. To show her all those things, if I can break the cycle, that's the real goal.

I hope that along the way I can find myself again and remember what it feels like to be happy and at peace. I just want to be me again. No voice that fights me. No pain bubbling below the surface. Just me. Happy and content. Oh, what that must feel like! Sometimes I can see me hiding in there, alone and scared, and it makes me sad to think how much I am missing out on. How much further could I go if I wasn’t in my own way? The first step is admitting you have a problem, right? So, I admit I have problems and I commit to work on those problems every day and continue my fight for freedom from my own limitations. With each new day brings new opportunities for growth, love, and hope. Grab each day and make the most of it to get those things you want more than anything. Heal traumas, break your cycles, and never give up!