Self-Love not Harm

I think the first time I self-harmed was in fifth grade. I told my parents it was because I wanted to be blood sisters with the other girl who had raked both her wrists against the school building with me during recess one day. We had of course performed the whole “blood sisters” ritual, but it was about more than that. She was in deep pain, having recently lost her mother to suicide and I was dealing with things that were way above my age level to process. We were both crying out for help without even realizing it. When it became clear that I was in trouble for my actions, I lied instead of telling the truth, because that’s what I did back then. Rather than admit that I needed help, I told a partial truth in order to escape the real trouble of dealing with the real problem.

The real problem was that I was scared. Of everything, including myself. Who knew I had it in me to cause myself that kind of harm? It wouldn’t be long before I would do it again, and again, and again. All through middle school I repeatedly carved initials, stars, and jagged cuts into my skin, always making sure I hid them well. It was like the one thing in my life that I had control of. That felt real. In high school I turned away from the habit but picked it up in college and even so recent as within the last five years. It’s no secret that I have never loved my body or known how to take care of it, but I wish I had loved me enough to treat myself better than everyone else did. I was no better to myself than the bullies, the abusers, and the users. If anything, I was worse.

It’s like a reminder though. That no matter what, even if you are left bleeding, you will survive. I almost wore each mark with a sick sort of pride. I had survived another battle. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to champion self-harming. There’s nothing glamorous or fun about being so lost in yourself that you have to literally cut your way out. There’s almost a, I can hurt more than you can, quality about self-harming that is both scary and sad. Why must we always be our worst enemies?

My most recent self-harming episode followed on the heels of a very nasty, very drawn out break up a few years back, with someone who was not only lying and using me, but also others just like me. I was so lost during that time. So caught up in all the wrong things. I’m grateful for the experience now because of how much stronger I am, but in the moment, it was the worst experience so far for me in the realm of dating. And I was married to an abusive alcoholic. This guy, however, took the cake for worst dating experience. Two years of pain, lies, losing myself, and experiencing heartache so severe, I dropped over 100 pounds in the course of a few months.

I think it is safe to say that while I have not always had my best interests at heart, I do now and the best interest of others reading my posts. I never mean to make depression and anxiety sound fun or useful because they are not. They are ugly, scary, panic inducing, and at times terrifying. Self-harming falls into all those categories. I can still remember the fear I felt every day, wondering if my mom would catch sight of my scars or open wounds. What would have happened had I been caught? Would I have received the proper treatment, or would I have been punished like the first time? No one can say for sure, but that does not stop that questions from running rampant in my head. If I had just asked for the attention I needed that first time, would things have turned out different? Might I have avoided the countless self-harming sessions in the future, or merely guaranteed more?

One thing is for sure, any one out there who is self-harming, I beg you, please love your body instead of tearing it up. I know that it may seem like you have no other choice, or that the pain is just too great and you need to release some of it. But there are better ways. Don’t scar your beautiful body. Love yourself, don’t harm yourself.

If you, or anyone you know, are self-harming and need help, visit https://www.crisistextline.org/topics/self-harm/#what-is-self-harm-1 for the Self-Harm Crisis Text Line and information page. Help is always within reach!

Ta for my friends,

Tabitha