The Bieb's

"What if I what if I trip, what if I what if I fall, then am I the monster, just let me know..." Shawn Mendes, Justin Bieber - Monster

Day 20

Today is rough. Depressed, down, unmotivated. Yesterday was hard. I've been thinking about gambling more and more. The thrill. The excitement. The rush. The down. If I were to gamble tonight I'd feel the same as I do now but worse. After I lost I'd be the same; lonely, depressed, down but worse. Add stressed to the list. Stressed I won't know how to pay my bills. Stressed I'll get in too deep. Stressors. Stressors. But the rush, the rush.

"What if I, what if I trip..." Shawn Mendes, Justin Bieber - Monster

I miss gambling. Yesterday, after writing about football, I was having a difficult time not thinking about betting a proline. I can remember looking at the proline site and not caring. I wanted to bet on Green Bay so bad. All of a sudden I forgot about my bills, I forgot about Christmas, I forgot about all the positive things keeping me motivated. All I could think about was Gren Bay winning the game and the victory!

"What if I, What if I fall..." Shawn Mendes, Justin Bieber - Monster

The ego. The ego loves to win. The ego loves hitting a proline. There, there, good ego. "Purrr" The ego loves to gamble. To be the best. To win. The victory. To hit a five gamer. To hit an eight gamer. The Joy. The victory. The thrill. The rush. The ego. The win. The victory. Pays not bad either. All the shopping I could do with a big hit, even a little hit. Except, It wouldn't be spent on shopping or bills or anything other than gambling, maybe some gas, a pack of smokes, and the rest would probably go to the machines. "Purrr"

The ego, the ego. I think the ego has something to do with gambling sometimes. I'm going to look into that at some point in the future. Gross, just thought of one of my counselors. I knew he was using me to try and figure out the connection between gambling and depression. Gross. I hated that guy... and liked him at the same time. He was really helpful but really expensive. Too expensive for someone with a gambling problem.

"What if I, what if I trip..." Shawn Mendes, Justin Bieber - Monster

I can't do it. I can. I know what will happen if I can't. No apartment. No food. No boyfriend. No house. No car. No gas. No smokes. Stress. Stress, stress, stress. No sense in being stressed and depressed. Goals. I have goals. I have goals. I can do this.

I think I can do this. I don't know if I can do this. I can do this. This is difficult. I read a meme once that said, "You can either suffer the pain of self-discipline or the pain of regret." I am feeling the pain of self-discipline. There is definitely a pain. I felt regret for too long. I know what's down that road. I know where that road leads, pain, and regret. Pain and regret. I am too aware of hat road.

My confidence is dwindling. Must stay strong. So much pain. So difficult. The machines. I will leave you. I will stay away from you. You cannot control me. You cannot control me.

I will win. I will win.

I can do this.

I can do this.

The Ego.

Day 20.