Sweet Whisper of Cheese Sticks

With the monotony of my at-home 9-5 ringing in my ears and my glazed eyes staring into blue light, I glance at my wrist after feeling the vibration of my Fitbit. Just reminding me to take at least one step this hour. '250 out of 250 steps to go!' it encouraged. And then I heard the sweet whisper of cheese sticks coming from the fridge.

Hey, I'll get my steps in!

I push my chair back and move all three steps it takes to reach my fridge.

Cheese stick. Yum. Hmm, what else do I have in here?

This monologue has played out in my head almost hourly since I started working from home. Food and I have a long, dramatic history - a history to which many women, and men, can relate.

I've made New Year's resolutions in the past, but never any type of diet resolution. I don't diet. I binge and purge. And I've always had physical, active jobs to offset my obsession with eating Taco Bell, pasta, and cheese.

Things changed drastically for me over the course of the pandemic, as with many people. At the beginning of the 2020 shutdown, I was working more hours than ever; I went from a part-time bank teller to getting overtime. I was constantly on my feet and only sitting down to take my lunch break. We tellers inside the branch were jumping at every drive-through request, printing documents, running to get a banker's help when we didn't know the answer, and assisting with notaries in lane 1 while peering out the window to watch the client sign. Things were busy and exhausting. But I was grateful to have a job.

In all of the mayhem, my chronic issues with binge-eating lessened for a while. I was too busy to eat much at work and too busy finishing college online when I got home. Then I received a job offer through the bank to work in the mortgage department. I accepted the offer of a full-time position, and instead of going into the office for training, I landed squarely in my one bedroom apartment's dining room with a laptop.

Living alone is great, until you're inside your apartment all day long, trying to learn a completely new job, with hardly any outlets after work as everything is shut down, and nobody wants to be outdoors in the cold grey of a Michigan November. Oh, and it's dark by 5:30. Movies and binge-worthy TV shows it is!

I started eating heavily then. I say it like I am an alcoholic, but it is an addiction. My stress levels were through the apartment floorboards above me. I felt like a failure at work - the training is supposed to take three months, but that doesn't make me feel any better when I am in the live Web-Ex training and the host keeps talking about how to update the Escrow screen in Empower and I am on my phone frantically googling "what is an escrow?".

My previous position as a part-time bank teller did not prepare me for the entirety of the Mortgage Loan Processing world. My college degree in English didn't either.

Food is my friend, my celebration when I get something right, my encouragement when I feel like a disappointment. I didn't realize that I could not zip up my jeans anymore, because I never had a reason to put them on. When the holidays rolled around, I used that as an excuse.

My brain started beating me up.

Fatty. Are you seriously eating again? Why are you having chocolate pudding for breakfast? You're disgusting. I took a sip of my sweetened coffee while spinning to put the spoon down in the sink, and the drink spilled over the top of my lip and down my cheek. It stained my oversized sweater and burned my face. Wow, can't even keep it in your mouth, you fat pig. Nasty.

You don't look good in that shirt anymore - that's too tight, it's showing your belly rolls. Hike your jeans up higher to cover that muffin top. Your thighs are rubbing and sticking together.

Nothing I did, said, or looked like was good enough anymore - and mentally, I was out of control. I've been to this point several times before, and it is never enjoyable. It's the highs and the lows, the repeated ups and downs. I hang out with a friend and I'm on cloud nine, but afterward, I'm curled up in bed alone with an entire bag of hot Cheetos.

A couple of weeks into January, after not making any food-related resolutions, I was playing Wordscapes on my phone while I was supposed to be working. An ad popped up for a fasting app. It advertised, don't change your diet and lose weight fast! To me, that sounded like the epitome of what dieting should be, and I downloaded the app. I created an account and it asked me my goals, how many weeks I wanted to try this, and what hourly ratio I wanted to use. I chose the middle ground. 16:8 ratio, meaning I would not eat for 16 hours, mostly overnight, and I would eat during my 8-hour window. I hit continue, the next screen loaded, and it said "Congratulations on starting your first fast!"

Wait, hold up! I thought. I haven't had dinner yet! I'm hungry right now! This thing is really trying to tell me I can't eat my dinner?

After my initial moment of panic, I readjusted the time frame and my journey with intermittent fasting began. I am NOT here to tell you "I lost 40 pounds and you should try this too!" The reality is that since I started intermittent fasting I have lost maybe 4 pounds, so it has not quickly and radically changed my weight or body shape like I initially hoped it might.

What it has done is helped me regain some mental control.

In my binge/purge cycle, there is always shame after overeating and then the same resolution - never do this again. To only eat healthy foods. To do better. To diet. But that always turns into a constricted feeling and leads to an absent wander toward the kitchen with the need to eat to feel full, to feel content.

With intermittent fasting, here is what I have found: my insatiable cravings have decreased, it's a little bit easier to make healthy choices, and my mental health has improved. When I can make it from 6 pm all the way through to 10 am without eating chips and queso after dinner, a midnight snack, and Eggos and butter with my coffee, I feel like I won! I view my healthy fast as an accomplishment. I am proud of myself, and that feeling has translated into me making better choices throughout my day.

My goals have changed from getting skinny to being strong - both mentally and physically.

In the discussion of my personal experiences, I am in no way condoning starvation methods of weight loss. For me, that is not the intention of intermittent fasting. I acknowledge that there are other sides to eating disorders not discussed here and outside of my personal experiences. If you have experienced anything similar to what I described, or find yourself in any type of difficult relationship with food, there are resources out there to help you including the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) who you can find online at https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/where-do-i-start-0.

You can also call or text NEDA at (800) 931-2237 for personal support.

Finding a way to practice regaining control in a small section of my life during this time of unknowns is the best part of my new wellness goal. It is a process that I will continue to pursue, through failures and successes.