Surviving?

The things that stick with you after an assault the most would surprise some people, the things that these people say to you. The words that bounce around your skull for years to come, no matter what you do to drown them out. The tone of their voice as they tell you to shut up, that they don‘t care or even that you are a “good girl”. How can such an innocent phrase reduce you to a puddle of angry anxiety after all these years?

The smell, for me, its pea‘s. Still make me want to vomit.

An innocent touch, in just the wrong place at entirely the wrong time. Luckily for them, I freeze rather than fight or things could be so different. The feel of their skin against yours, the sweat dropping onto you from above, hands around your wrists, legs between yours, forcing your body to bend to their will. The helplessness to stop it, how weak, useless and pointless that leaves you feeling.

People say I’m crazy, that I should just move on with my life, forget it, stop dwelling on the past and look to the future. But they dont have all this in their heads do they? How should I simply forget it when it takes up so much space in my brain? How can I carry on with all this inside me? When I walk around fearing the casual touch of my friends or family? When I’m scared of hearing the wrong thing for the fear of it plunging me back into that dark place? When I have to plan 3 escape routes out of everywhere I go, just incase? How can my life continue when I am so broken?

You survived, they say, you are so resilient, like it is a badge of honour. Sometimes I wish I didnt survive. Often I question, did I really survive? When I seem to have left so much of me behind? Is it really surviving when I can’t even feel safe in my own head? When I dont know what will push me too far over the edge, into a hole so deep that I can‘t drag myself out? Is it surviving when my life is so full of all these questions everyday? If I survived, then why does it feel like this? Why does it feel like they won?

Therapy, its a golden ticket to life apparently. What no one bothers to tell you before hand is that it will make you wish you had never been born At times, it will make you want to curl up in your bed and never move. What they don‘t say is that if you find the right therapist it can be pretty fucking pointless to even try. They never say that there‘s always the chance that even if you find the perfect one it still might not work. No one tells you about how you will feel during the process, all the doubt, all the nightmares, all the flashbacks. That some days, nothing will help, not all the meds in the cabinet, no coping mechanism or grounding technique. That you will often want to quit it all. But the worst thing of all, if you act on this, if you do it, or if you tell your therapist all this, they might just give up on you, and then where will you be?

Another golden nugget, “it’s not your fault“ Or “It wasn‘t your fault“, if thats true, why is it so hard to hear? To believe? That little voice in your head that says “you didn‘t say no” or tells you all the ways you could have and should have faught them off. All those years of martial arts training and you did nothing? Well clearly you must have wanted it! The police/ CPS/ family etc clearly didnt believe you, they arent doing anything about it, it must be your fault. Does anyone know how to turn that voice off?

https://napac.org.uk/project/it-wasnt-your-fault/