Stop It With The Filters

Stop It With The Filters

I want to talk about being honest with ourselves. Honest about who we are and how we are in this current moment. I think that a lot of us tend to filter through our days so that we can manage that weight we carry. We wake up, get ready for the day and apply the best filter we can in order to seem “normal”, so that no one has to worry for us. Then when we come home and wash off the day, that weight bares down harder than it did when you left because you thought the filter would work. But it didn’t.

I have been battling with depression for a really long time now. It's extremely frustrating because I don't feel like I’m someone who should be depressed at all. I have a big, beautiful family. I enjoy the people I work with. And for the first time in my life, I am able to move into my own place with NO ROOMMATES. I’m very smart, college educated actually, have a kind heart, love to laugh, and I’m very well aware that I’m a damn good catch. I have an awesome, super solid group of girlfriends that I honestly don’t utilize enough. All in all, I am wealthy in love and life.

But here’s the thing: Depression is relentless. It's hard to battle something that is unseen to the world, something that takes away your appetite for gratitude. It hates not being the center of attention. It can take you from your highest high and make you see everything that is wrong with your life. It drags you into a pit, ties you up, fills it to the brim with water, only leaving enough for breathing room and then demands you to swim. I tried a lot of things to make myself feel better, whether it was drinking, working out, smoking, praying, medicating, smoking again, sexing, etc. I tried it all. But it has always stayed with me. I never understood that depression isn't something you could get rid of but moreso, a part of me I have to learn how to manage.

The filter we place on ourselves prevents us from opening up to our truth. I don't talk to anyone about how I really feel because in my mind, I decided that they can't handle it. I decided for my support system that they weren’t equipped enough to handle who I really am or what I really feel. But that's what depression does; it isolates us so that it can be closer to our fears. It tells you lies about those around you so that you can drown deeper into that pit. Depression is the anchor that sinks into the darkest part of our mind and sadness is the ship that carries it.

Women experience depression at almost double the rate of men and an average of 8.7% of women suffer from depression. So it’s not just me, it's a few of y’all wearing these filters too. And I want us to stop. Stop hiding behind how you feel and just feel it. Just don’t let it consume you. Talk to someone about it, a trusted confidant that will hear your pain. I recently, actually as recent as a month ago, decided to take action towards getting help. I’ve been dealing with this for 3 years! But the important part is that I finally said enough was enough. You have to work through this in the healthiest way that works for YOU. I cannot stress that enough. Everyone’s depression is different, so why would what someone else did, work for you?

Now I know this is easier said than done, especially with the current pandemic our world is experiencing. Our mental health is significantly in danger during situations that force us to isolate. But oddly enough, being quarantined, although under terrible circumstances, has allowed me to rewrite how I want to live my life and manage my depression. When I moved into my own place back in February I just jumped into working because I was so afraid of not being able to afford my life. And anyone who works all the time knows just how mentally and physically draining that can be. So I’ve been taking this time to really cultivate what kind of life I want to live. What kind of life I want to be fulfilled in. My twenties shouldn’t be riddled with crying and dumb boys and long hours. It should be shining with stories, doing the things that keep us mentally, emotionally and physically at our best.

So if you are struggling too or just need someone to help you feel like you are doing the damn thing, then let me be the first to say: Girl, you are doing the damn thing!