Spooky Month Ended Before It Even Started

How to explain how my favorite month of the year went down, I can’t. I still can’t fathom how I went from being excited to complete despair in a matter of days. The only thing I can say confidently however, it’s not the holiday itself that brought me down.

When the 1st day of spooky month hit I was completely overjoyed. Seeing all the halloween decorations out, people on social media posting all Halloween related things, the Halloween movie ads! All things that help encourage me to be in the Halloween spirit. I was planning out all this crafts I was going to do with my kids at work, the movies I was going watch and drawings I was going to make all came to a sudden halt the following week. The first two days of that week I thought nothing of, I just figured I was tired working with third graders is no easy feat. A lot of energy to match. But, the day after? I’m still don’t know what triggered me so badly but I was in complete shambles. I got in a mindset that I denied and pushed back for years, I got suicidal. I have never felt it that strongly before so I was stressed beyond belief. I missed two days of work that week because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to control my urges and do something incredibly stupid. I was restless and felt the loneliest I ever felt even though I told my best friends and my mother shortly after navigating the world with how often I was zoning out was difficult. I went back to work despite how I felt and told my boss why I was out those two days. He understood immediately and offered support which was very much appreciated but with the instant relief I felt I also felt tremendous guilt. I felt like an asshole for placing such a burden on all whom I’ve told.

That weekend after I didn’t do much reflecting and just slept most of the day and caught up on shows despite my attention not being there. I just needed a distraction. Same thing occurred the following week too unfortunately, much to my dismay. However, I called out for completely different reason. After 35 days of my monthly being delayed all the stress that I felt the week prior literally poured out of me at a very scary rate. My flow was never that heavy, the first two days it was nonstop to a point where, excuse how gross this may be, it was literally a waterfall, an extremely messy uncomfortable waterfall. I lost so much that by the ending of the third day I became anemic. That was the second time since 2020 that I got anemic because of my menstrual. Fortunately, that time I had an anchor to keep me steady, my best friend Lorenzo spent the day with me at house to help me keep calm dealing with such mental turmoil.

I really forgotten how much he cares about me.To see so much concern on his face, it was actually the first time I’ve seen it. I always hear it but that was a first in a long time in a very long time that I’ve seen that look on his face. Amongst all the things going on I felt a bit dead inside, in my heart I was happy but my feelings were not matching up with my brain and actions that day. Honestly, It’s still not matching up. I had this past weekend to reset my brain and coming up with what I was going to do actually was a lot harder then I thought it was going to be. It was difficult because the way my personality is wired I either go to “extremes” or I don’t act at all. At least with my own personal issues.

The only thing that I know that works is switching my emotions off and being robot for awhile. I know it’s very unhealthy and self destructive but, its the only way I know how to operate when I’m completely overwhelmed. It’s the thing I did that kept me afloat throughout my pubescent and teenage years and sadly I never unlearned how to do it. With all that has happened I want to end this month as much on high note as I possibly can so, I’ll be dressing up as the fairy Godmother from Cinderella. Her kind of upbeat scatterbrained sassiness is what I need right now and plus, I bet it’ll make my kids at work happy.