Sometimes I ramble, overshare, or don't share enough. Maybe I'll share too little detail or too much but I try to as transparent as possible.
I Am Who I Am and I Am Who I Was and I Am Who I Will Always Be
Great old Emrys said such a line just to confuse the guards but honestly what truer words ever been spoken and if you don't understand the reference I highly suggest you watch Merlin, it's on Netflix. But, let me continue on with that and tell you how I take that statement and apply it to my everyday life. Growing up always feeling a little different from the rest of the pack I learned two things; like a chameleon, you can either learn to camouflage yourself to appear and behave like what society says is pink and blue or you can open up your feathers like a peacock and walk proudly. I was born in the late 90’s so just like any time before 2012 I’d say work still needed to be done, however, I was a stubborn child so I did both which sounds counter-intuitive but it’s not.
I' am Billie
My pronouns are she/they as I do identify as female most of the time but sometimes I'm a man and sometimes I'm a little bit of both. When I'm in my man headspace it can just because I'm feeling that way for that day of the week, it varies or it's when I'm under stress that I feel I can't handle as a woman. I've always had a kind of "boyish" mannerisms but that didn't fully come into play until I got into high school everything started around high school I'm sorry. My personality and sense of style were still rather conservative I guess, I dressed "preppy" even though I was more a fan of men's fashion and punk style clothing I just thought I couldn't pull it off so I never tried to change up what I was used to. Mind you this was high school so even though I dressed preppy I experimented with clothes just not the way I wanted to.
I Was Afraid of the Stigma
I procrastinated making my appointments for quite some time now merely because I hate the doctors and it doesn't matter what it's for. Whether it's for the dentist, the gyno, my annual physical, I hate it; all those white rooms and medicine smells give me anxiety. But, given these trying times, I couldn't put it off for much longer so I made my appointment for my physical which I was long overdue for, and with all these apps I didn't even have to call! I also hate making phone calls, go figure, and having that nervous shrill phone voice that everyone has. I had quite a few things to ask my doctor and one of them being about finding a psychiatrist so the time was now honestly.
Numbers Never Looked Right to Me
I always had a problem with mathematics since I was about four or six years old. I went through one of those quick school IQ tests to see where I excelled and where I needed help. I got help for comprehension because I had some trouble reading and following directions, my teacher said I need specifics or I ended up confused but that didn't last long. The main issue that I had was with numbers, I couldn't process the basics without some assistance and still couldn't count from ten without using my fingers. This was in elementary school, so as grew older I thought the problems would cease but it never did.
A Wonderful Fantasy to My Intrusive Reality
I always had an "overactive imagination" growing up. I loved playing pretend, I loved daydreaming land being someone else, being someplace else; life just seemed more fun that way. Except I never really grew out of playing "pretend". It took over my life up until was I was twenty-two, for fourteen years.
I was always obsessed with love starting from the time I was old enough to understand what a crush was and to all those cheesy Y/A romance novels I read, I knew I wanted it. I had no understanding of it but I didn't care, I just wanted to feel special like characters in my books felt, like all the couples that were disgustingly sweet and nasty with each other in the halls; but my problem was I "fell in love" at the drop of the hat and very, very low self-esteem. I was also a horny teenager so you could imagine the types of unrealistic expectations I had as a whole on this topic.
I Always knew
I've known since I was four and you know what sparked my curiosity? an Austin Powers movie, I remember the exact scene too. When that assassin came to seduce and kill Austin but got seduced by him instead during a game of chess; and it zoomed in on her breasts. Mind you, I wasn't supposed to see that overly sexual and ridiculous movie franchise but honestly what kid hasn't seen things they weren't supposed to. But, like I said I was four, so it wasn't an interest that dwells for more than a second.
Hurt, but Not Broken
I honestly don't really know how to start this one. We all have that person in our lives that you trust more than anything that you never even question the possibility of them not being there. You always work things out, no matter what your differences and circumstances they'd still stand with you well, I had a person like that, my childhood friend for the past fourteen years. I'd be lying if I said I didn't see this happening even with my many years of breaking down at the mere thought of her leaving I knew she would someday. Even when we first met, she was a free spirit, a bird always ready to fly, flies with current, and never looks back. She was my version of a perfect person and that was where I made my first of many mistakes.