I procrastinated making my appointments for quite some time now merely because I hate the doctors and it doesn't matter what it's for. Whether it's for the dentist, the gyno, my annual physical, I hate it; all those white rooms and medicine smells give me anxiety. But, given these trying times, I couldn't put it off for much longer so I made my appointment for my physical which I was long overdue for, and with all these apps I didn't even have to call! I also hate making phone calls, go figure, and having that nervous shrill phone voice that everyone has. I had quite a few things to ask my doctor and one of them being about finding a psychiatrist so the time was now honestly.
I've had depression since I was ten years old and from the few therapists I had, I only liked one but even then I still wasn't fully truthful with them. I liked to hide under the guise that I was okay that I didn't need help because I didn't like to appear as weak as I felt. I swallowed my pain until a new problem arose and let that topple over the previous. Kind of like the trash that fills the landfills it just sits and when it gets hot the smell is revolting. That was was how I felt for a long time but I never had the courage to put the guise down. Years down the line I practically became deluded by my own persona and my perception of how bad my anxiety really was too low to be accurate. You can imagine that this pandemic didn't help any and I was in my head more than ever. The time I spent being anxious was really too obvious to deny anymore. Six hours, sometimes Nine hours of feeling jittery and paranoid of the ceiling crashing down on me or the kitchen catching fire every day were suffocating but I still denied anti-depressants being a helpful option.
I still affiliated anti-depressants being for "mentally imbalanced" people. My best friend takes them and I think nothing of it but when it came to me I struggled to accept the fact that maybe I was one and I needed to stop looking at it in such a bad light. Because it's like I see my best friend that way and I don't whatsoever, not towards anybody. But, that's exactly what a stigma does, isn't it? Makes you afraid of something you normally wouldn't think twice about. However, it wasn't just the stigma I was afraid of but a deeply rooted childhood trauma that further internalized that mentality in me.
The story is not that deep, when I was at the tender yet horrible age of 14 I got into a fight with my younger brother and I don't really remember what it was about. I was most likely just taking out my anger on him and in midst of the frustration he said to me "you belong in an asylum" that one little phrase scarred me forever.
Fast forward to now I've been on Escitalopram for two months now and I honestly feel unrecognizable. This is a change in me I never thought I'd reach; going a decade of feeling stressed out and being afraid just tamed in a matter of weeks, not taken away. That's something I wish I understood so much sooner they're not a cure, they don't strip all your concerns and pain away all they do is help revive in you what you already have. Level-headedness, to think more rationally, to not let your emotions completely overwhelm you, and to enjoy all and any feelings of happiness wherever it comes from.
This was one of the best decisions I've ever made that I won't ever regret. The relief I feel I can never fully put into words. Living life peacefully is the best way I can describe it. I can breathe without feeling like I'm choking, I can stretch without feeling like I'll snap in two, I finally feel like simply "existing" is not such a horrible sentiment. I know what I want and where I'm headed but even if I didn't I'll be okay.
About the Creator
Billie
After 16 years of battling depression I finally found my voice. I’ve tried numerous times in my life writing my story but often felt defeated immediately after. But, now I found solace In just existing in the moment rather then the past
The secret journey to regaining emotional stability
Do you feel that the anxious and avoidant types both seem to be strong and independent, but in fact they are sensitive and fragile. They often fall into emotions because of small things and start to be anxious and avoidant? If anxious and avoidant types want to change these, what they actually need is to compensate for their missing parts and heal their injured parts. In this issue, we will teach the avoidant and anxious types how to cultivate themselves again, making their emotions more stable, more rational in relationships, and at the same time gaining the ability to actively output emotional value. If anxious and avoidant types want to overcome the sensitive and fragile parts of themselves and obtain stable emotions, they need not only cognitive adjustments, but also need to heal the traumatized parts of themselves and compensate for the regretful parts of themselves. For example, the regret of the avoidant type is that they have not been paid serious attention to and have never truly rebelled. Therefore, the avoidant type will not fight for their own needs in many situations, resulting in uncomfortable situations and relationships, and they are always running away and wandering. The trauma of the anxious type is that they are trapped in unstable relationships and have been hurt by the instability in intimate relationships. The slightest fluctuation will make the anxious type feel nervous and anxious. Therefore, anxious and avoidant types are inherently fragile, sensitive, and unstable. In summary, these reasons are that something is missing during the growth stage, or they have suffered some trauma, so if you want to solve these problems, this is the time. Compensate when you need to compensate, heal when you need to heal, exercise when you need to exercise, just treat yourself as a child and raise yourself again. If the avoidant and anxious types re-train themselves, what kind of growth can they gain? First of all, emotions will become more and more stable. For example, you can be aware of your emotions at the first time, avoid emotions from affecting your thoughts and judgments, and learn to regulate your emotions. Secondly, you can truly understand yourself and know your real needs and fears. In the process of re-nurturing yourself, you can clearly understand your needs and fears, that is, you can know why you are attracted to a certain person, why you behave like this, and then you can better understand what you need.
By angelababya day ago in Psyche
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