SOME THINGS ARE HARD TO SAY

I was late to work.

What you don’t see is me swerving and falling asleep at the wheel because my brain was on hyper-speed the last three nights, so I woke up every two hrs.

I didn’t fall asleep until after midnight because I was laying in bed, crying and praying that my body would calm down long enough for me to close my eyes.

You didn't see the panic attack I had three days before, which completely threw my system out of whack. I could barely eat and was constantly running back and forth to the restroom.

You also didn’t see that I was near attempting suicide three days before, so it’s a miracle that I made it to work at all.

I showed up later than I said I would, pushing back our plans.

What you didn’t see is that I unexpectedly started crying while I was driving, and it got so bad that I had to pull over until it stopped.

I didn't text you back.

What you didn’t see is that I took ten of whatever pills I could find because I felt like I was going to fucking explode. Now I can barely lift my arm, let alone respond to a text message.

I lost my phone, my keys, my wallet...

What you didn’t see is me clenching my fists in frustration and embarrassment and fighting back tears because I’ve tried so hard to remember things. I have literal blackouts and my stress levels have short-circuited all of my normal functions.

I'm wearing clean clothes and my makeup is done.

What you don't know is that sometimes I have to work myself up to do these things. It took hours because doing things some people see as simple can be extremely exhausting for me.

You also don’t know that I went days without taking care of my personal hygiene because there was not a single part of me that gave a shit or had the energy to do so.

I didn’t look at your social media posts.

What you don’t see is that when I scroll through social media, it triggers me and puts me through a million different emotions that can set my whole day off track and cause my negative thinking to skyrocket. And I’d rather not deal with others’ passive-aggressive bullshit because they're not getting the attention they think they deserve.

I had sex with another guy.

What you didn’t see was my brain going into impulse mode and then failing to talk myself out of it. You also don’t see me laying there wishing it wasn’t happening but too scared to tell him to stop because it’s already too late and I don’t want to be attacked. You also don’t know that I hadn’t been touched in months and not even in just a sexual way. No one's touched my hand, no one's hugged me, not even a pat on the back, and sometimes that fucks with my head.

I don’t socialize.

What you don’t see is my temperature rising, my heart racing, my body breaking out in a sweat and feeling light-headed to the point that I might pass out. You don’t see me wanting to run and hide because I’m feeling the emotions of myself, along with everyone around me. My mind is telling me that everyone's watching me, whispering about me and picking me apart. I am constantly looking for an exit or somewhere to hide.

I party too much.

What you don't see is me needing to get out of the house. I've been sitting alone in my apartment for weeks, hoping someone will hit me up because I feel too stupid to do it myself for fear of being annoying, disappointed... only having my walls to stare at and myself to talk to.