"God, he has such a beautiful face,” I thought as I laid there next to him. It’s funny to me how someone so destructive can make me so comfortable. Not funny in a ‘haha’ way but in an ironic way. This boy has all the control in this situation. I know he can hurt me in many ways but I'm so calm when I’m with him and not scared in the slightest. We met a few years ago on Tinder. When I saw his pictures, I was done. I couldn’t believe how perfect he seemed to be (for me) and like most boys I set my sights on, I had to have him. Our communicating was immediate but so was my disappointment. He was cute and funny but also shallow and overly direct. More than I was bargaining for at the time but I knew how to work around that. I probably should’ve stopped talking to him altogether but I never back away from a challenge. He talked to me about how he liked sex, gambling, pizza… and that was about it. We didn't speak much after that night.
Trust me, I don’t love you. I could but I don’t. I feel things… sometimes… but most of the time, I feel nothing. I’ve been existing in a more causal state of mind and although some may call my actions immature or loose, I call it a defense mechanism and it’s been working for me up to this point.
I’ve searched for days, years even and there’s still no sign of an on and off switch. There is no big, red easy button than I can push or curtain I can pull to the side to “let the light in”. However, I have met quite a few people throughout my life who say that it’s much simpler than that. According to them, depression is a selfish, trivial thing that can be turned off instantly. Saying “just get over it” as if it’s something that can be easily adjusted based on the situation and that is not true.
This was thirty-four minutes of my life. I was at work on the sales floor, cleaning like I do every day. Nothing happened, no one said anything to me but I got to a point in the back of the store where I had to stop. Something entered my body. Not just my brain but my entire body. This was not a physical ‘thing’. It was more on the metaphysical side. It was something that was already there and it chose the perfect time to fuck up my night. I stood there for a moment and stared at the glass in front of me without really seeing anything. I felt people walking around me so I had to walk to the office. I couldn’t sit so I paced back and forth and repeated, “This is my body, this isn’t me”. I said that more times than I can remember. At this point, my hands were shaking.
I can’t allow myself to get in over my head with this. To recall the last few days, my New Year’s Eve and New Years Day were as close to perfect as I could have hoped. It’s rare that I envision something, pick through every little detail and then have it actually go that way. We've been seeing each other for a year and everything has gone well. Almost too well which is why I’m about to fuck everything up.
My eyes begin to tear up. Laying in the dark, breath is quiet and calm. I'm upset. I’m often upset but there are levels in this present moment. The problem is that I’m in a "friends with benefits" situation with someone who I’d like to see more often than on our arranged day(s) of the week. He doesn’t want to spend the night and that's because he doesn’t want to create any kind of attachment or give me the wrong idea. This is the first time he’s left that I’ve felt this way afterward.