Sexualizing a Rape Victim

I think one of the hardest things that I've learned as a female who has been a victim of rape is that most people think that we are some sort of kinky sex craved women who are willing to put out at any point. When we say no, the person believes we really mean yes. No, it's just a 2-letter word, what people don't understand is that I did not consent to being raped. I said no multiple times, I tried to fight the person who is raping me and get away from the situation, but by the end you lay there a dead body that somebody is having sex with. Being raped it has altered my thoughts on myself, my body and even the right to say no. It is our human right to say no to any unwanted physical contact from another human. We can choose whom we lay down, and get naked for, victims of sexual assault don't seem to have that right. We are placed in a judgement of “she must be easy, she’s a rape victim’ Once you have been raped or you admit that you have been raped you are placed in this box, you're damaged goods. Or at least people make you feel that way. You wear a sign that says I allowed somebody to take advantage of my body so can you. At least this is what it seems like I’ve had to encounter.

I have done research on such subject of how we mentally process sexual violence, and there are those women out there who will become promiscuous open their legs to whomever because they need to gain that validation that got twisted in their mind that their vagina is all that they're worth. Then there is a separate set of women who never want to be touched again because being raped is traumatizing. As a woman who has suffered from childhood sexual trauma as well as adult sexual trauma up until three years ago, I have been both types of women. Most recently the one who refuses to be touched.

When I was a child the sexual violence started at the age of 5 years old. I didn't understand what was going on, by the time I was 8 I was being sexually assaulted by a 12-year-old female. When you are sexualized as a child, sex becomes the validation that you are worth something. It’s the distorted thought that sex means you are loved, but sex is lust, attraction to another human, and suppose to be a consenting pleasurable experience. As teenager I became withdrawn from the norm of intimacy. I watched my best friend lose her virginity at a party being raped by a much older drunk guy. He locked me out of the room, I waited on the staircase till it was over, hearing it happen to her was the most traumatizing thing for me. We walked in silence back to her place. A few months later my first teenage sexual experience was forced, I remember bleeding all over and being so afraid to ever be touched again, yet my sense of worth came from who liked me and who wanted to have sex with me. I lacked moral value on what I wanted and went along with whatever he did. I thought that if I gave the sexual aspect of me that they would stay that all men wanted was sex. I also believed it was my job to give it to them, even if I didn’t want to. I believe that rape culture has become even worse since the Internet came out when I was 14, I remember being in “teen chat rooms” we trusted so deeply that the guy we spoke to on the other side of the screen was a teenager just like we were. I know that on my social media accounts as an adult that even a picture of my face becomes sexualized by a stranger who will message inappropriate things, to someone whom they don’t even know as a person. “yes, I have beautiful eyes now fuck off” is usually the reply. The block button also works wonders on these types of men who think it’s okay to invade my inbox with his sexual comments on a selfie that has no sexual aspect to it. Or at least is never the intent.

I don't think men really understand what that does to a woman who has been sexualized. I think the worst for me is when I am honest and open about my past and that I have been a rape victim, they still think that it's OK to send these types of things , or dick photos are something that I want to see I am some super slut. I was raped, yet some how I’m the slut? this concept doesn't sit well with me. Because I've been raped does not mean that I am a slut, being raped does not mean that I am easy, being raped does not mean that I asked for it, being raped does not mean that I wore the wrong thing, and being raped is one of most horrifying sexual act I have ever encountered. Three years ago, I was raped by my partner the words that came out of his mouth were “it’s not rape if its your gf”. I believed him. There are so many women living in situations like this, as well as some men that I know have been sexually assaulted. And as people who have been victimized by sexual assault, we believe that our partner is correct we believe that we need to give our partner sex when they want it and not when we both mutually want it. I think when it comes to men who have been sexually assaulted it is buried deeply under the surface. I have had women who have said how do you sexually assault a man? Sexual assault means that you did not consent to having sex with another human being, Human being the main word here.

I have been in situations where men have told me they need to have sex with me, it is not a need it is a want and if I don't want to then you shouldn't need to. I think the next horrifying fact of sexual assault is that it often comes from people that you know and trust. I have never been one that has been jogging like in the movies and gets raped in a Bush. But I have been the girl who falls asleep at a party and wakes up with someone on top of me. How can you consent when you're sleeping? When I was younger nobody ever talked about being sexually assaulted. You always knew somebody who had it happened to them, but they were always considered the school slut, because it happened at a party and then she became promiscuous trying to cover up the horrific event that happened to her. I remember being 27 years old, meeting a man on a dating site, we hung out a few times, but I never thought that he would kidnap and rape me. Rapist try to gain a bond with their victim which is something I never understood. There are those rapists out there who rape out of nowhere, but most like to chase their victim, gain their trust, so that later they can feel as if the victim is just playing the victim. I think those are the worse type of humans who pray on their victims.

Rape victims also sometimes never come forward because of the embarrassment and shame that is left upon them after this horrific act. Trust is something that they don't trust in themselves and others. Most have night terrors reliving the events, and most have PTSD related symptoms for years or the rest of their lives. I would never want to make somebody else feel this way and I can't wrap my head around why another person would ever want to make someone feel this way. Sex should be a pleasuring thing between 2 adults who are completely consenting. People need to stop thinking that by going on a date with someone you're going to have sex. People need to stop thinking that it's OK to make uncalled for comments that make people feel unsafe. People need to stop blaming the victim, they need to start understanding why it happens, and speak to the people who rape in order to gain more knowledge on what makes someone rape another human. Society and the Internet have made it very scary when it comes to rape culture. No one deserves to be raped or sexualized.

Re sexualizing a rape victim, is like telling them you don’t believe them, and that what happened to them is okay. Rape is not okay. Sadly, it happens to more people than we will ever know.