RORSCHACH TEST

IT’S DIFFICULT BEING A SENIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL when COVID-19 is still persistent and has so many things shut down. Not being able to visit college campuses in person, jockeying with other students just to get an online conference with my counselor, and not having any after-school clubs and activities to keep me busy has definitely taken a toll on both my school and home life.

I spend most of my time in my room on social media or playing around with filters. Which is how I came across the Rorschach filter, the only "mask" I plan to "wear" for Halloween. I discovered this filter recently when I saw a friend post a pic using it on his Instagram. I was immediately drawn to the artistic inkblots that decorated his face.

I love how different the Rorschach filter makes me look. With each distinct color I feel mysterious and beautiful. It is very enticing and pleasing to see.

Peering into the human psyche

But I have to be honest, even though I had seen the inkblot imagery before – whether in movies or television shows I would watch as a child – I didn’t really know much about how the inkblots were used until one of my private Instagram followers told me to look it up.

Now learning about the Rorschach test – a test in which a psychologist presents about 10 or so pictures consisting of black and white inkblots, as well as patches of color, to a person in order to access their personality and emotional functioning – I better understand the allure of the Rorschach filter and the art behind the patterns and dots that appear on my face.

I’m also intrigued by the Rorschach test itself, so much so that I took a Rorschach test online. I did it not so much to see if I was mentally disturbed or anything but just for the fun of it and to see what all the fuss was about. (I’ll share my results at the end of this story, which is just a little bit about the girl behind the mask).

Origins of the test

One of the most interesting things about the Rorschach test is that the psychiatrist who invented it – Hermann Rorschach – died in 1922 before the test became widely adopted.

I imagine I would have been able to learn more about the Rorschach test if I had been able to take AP Psychology like I had hoped. Unfortunately, I registered too late for the class. So instead I take Astronomy Intensified, a class where we study things like the Milky Way and local group galaxies, and high energy astrophysics like black holes and clusters of galaxies. If I can’t peer into the human mind, at least I can learn a little bit about how to peer into the heavens.

What do you see?

IN TAKING THE RORSCHACH TEST, I feel like the Rorschach test is sort of symbolic of how I’m viewed in society as a young African American woman. By that I mean that I believe society tries to interpret me just as people do those inkblot tests. I often feel like I am put into a box because of my race and most times, the assumptions people make about me are wrong.

You might look at me and how I act or dress and think all sorts of things. Oh, she’s shy. Or, Oh, she’s being flirtatious. People often think they can figure me out.

What most people don’t know about me is that my dream is to become a concert pianist and classical performance singer.

I take weekly lessons but I also practice at home. In fact, one of the ways I escape is by practicing both new and old piano pieces – from Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata” to “Mia and Sebatian’s Theme” from the movie La La Land – in my living room. When I play, I am no longer stressed for the moment and allow the music to both relax me and push me into being the best I can.

Goals before graduating

I also have things I’d like to do before I graduate from high school. Of course, I would love to go to a prom (though I am not sure that will be able to happen due to the pandemic). But I would also like to successfully compose and release a piano song and go on a road trip with the people with whom I am closest.

Being 18, I have only had two jobs in my life. My first job was a barista at a local Starbucks. It was very enjoyable until the pandemic occurred. A lot of workers had to be let go, including me.

My next job was as a sales associate at a Journeys shoe store. This job had me dreading to go to each shift. I was barely respected and my male co-workers often made crude comments about my appearance. I eventually quit. I guess you could say they misinterpreted who I am based on the image that they saw.

They say the third time's a charm, an, thankfully, I plan to start my third third job as a "seasonal store support team member" at a local grocery store soon. I hope to be able to save up and support myself as well as take a mental break from both my school and home life.

If there was trick-or-treating this year, I would definitely go with my best friend and maybe some other boys and girls to make it more fun. We still plan to hang out on Halloween. But in terms of getting dressed up for Halloween, probably the only mask I’ll wear is the virtual Rorschach mask that I like to use on social media.

Am I disturbed?

Which brings me to the Rorschach test that I took online the other day. According to the test, I scored a 3, which means when deciphering the various inkblot images, I picked three answers that are “commonly given by individuals with some cognitive disturbance.” Which apparently isn’t a big deal because it’s supposedly only after you select 4 or more such answers that you are considered to be cognitively disturbed.

Looking at the results, honestly nothing shocked me. I felt like I fell into the average category of people who take the test. And even though the images were very clear to me, many of the options I had in my mind were not specifically shown on the answer choices. I feel like the results are actually not very valid because of that.

There was one inkblot image, though, that I immediately could picture in my mind. It was the inkblot of what appeared to me to look like a butterfly. Maybe my fear of butterflies made me automatically assume that the picture was a butterfly and only a butterfly. I could not think of any second choices or assumptions to what that specific inkblot was.

My lepidopterophobia

You may wonder how I came to develop lepidopterophobia, which is the technical term for the fear of butterflies. Well, about three years ago when I was living in Luxembourg with my father and stepmom, we all decided to visit Päiperleksgaart, The Butterfly Garden, – or Jardin des Papillons – since my little sister would constantly ask to go.

The butterfly garden was basically a vast plant nursery with high ceilings and glass windows covered in vines, where the majority of the butterflies lived. It was a beautiful scene. I remember often stopping to take pictures of every butterfly I could see, hoping to take one I could eventually post on my Instagram.

As we continued on with the tour, my sister eventually got tired of walking, so I carried her the rest of the time. She was getting sleepy after almost an hour of us looking around, which was ironic because she was the one who was the most eager to visit in the first place. As she got heavier and heavier in my arms, I started to struggle with carrying her while making sure that her juice box didn't spill. But shortly after I stumbled while going up the stairs to view the last section of the garden, and her juice fell all over me. Seconds later I was bombarded by what seemed like hundreds of butterflies on my arms and all over my sister, who impressively, was still asleep. It was terrifying for me though. I could see and feel each butterfly and moth on my arm in order to get the nectar. Maybe it was just in my mind, but I felt pinches all over my arm. Maybe it was their arms or antennas but I did feel something prickly on me.

It seemed like a harmless accident to both my dad and stepmom. But for me it was traumatizing. I felt so suffocated and frozen. To this day my family still makes fun of me and my fear of butterflies but it was truly scary.

Maybe wearing the butterfly-like Rorschach filters on my face is a way for me to confront one of my worst personal fears.