Returning from the dark.

I don't think I'm going to post this but just in case I do TRIGGER WARNING: BIRTHING TRAUMA, POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION, DEPRESSION, COVID, THOUGHTS ABOUT SUICIDE so please read with caution, take breaks if you need to and be kind to others and yourself..

I don't even know how to start this to be honest, I have never actually taken the time to write this stuff down and be open and honest about it, I can't even be open to myself about it much less to the whole world but here it goes..

In April of 2021 I wanted to "unlive" myself I was at a very dark point in my life to understand lets go back a few years through the highlights..

I became a mom for the first three months before COVID hit the states to my rainbow baby who at the time spent a week in the NICU and the first year in and out of the hospital due breathing problems for him all this while figuring out our new life along with everyone else in COVID world and then the Black Lives Matter protests and riots started happening and around that time the hopelessness of the world feeling like it was crashing down around us and watching the protests and riots feeling the sadness and anger it was heartbreaking and on top of all that I found out I was pregnant again and when I tell you fear just shock through my body that would be an understatement because it was bad enough that I was having to raise my son in this world, in this country that was falling apart at the steams but now having to raise two kids just seemed impossible and I just felt helpless and the fear and helplessness sat in even more when we found out it was a girl.

I was excited don't get me wrong but i couldn't help but to feel this little bit of dread because all my mind could do is think about how I was going to protect her, how was I going to make sure she stayed safe and knew she was loved.

March 2021 My beautiful baby girl was born and I was so happy that she was here and healthy and no NICU time was needed for her, she was just amazing but I wasn't even out of the hospital yet before I had my first crying episode. I was in tears due to not being able to breast feed her due to lack of supply and it broke my heart because i couldn't give her the food she needed and it made me feel broken and even though the doctor prescribed for me it didn't seem to make a difference because that's when the intrusive thoughts started to set in.

After four days we finally came home from the hospital and it was time to figure out life with a year and half old and a newborn, I had about a week and half of help before everyone had to go back to work and it was just me and two little people that needed me for everything while still recovering from a C-section and it was not easy I tried my best everyday to push through for them and make it all work at the time thinking my meds were working because even though it was hard I felt happy, I felt like I could do this until one day everything stopped...

I woke up one morning to probably the worse mentally I have ever felt in my life, it felt like my mind was screaming at me and tried everything to keep myself busy because as long as I was busy the screams and thoughts wouldn't be so damn loud but even if I sat down for one minute it was like that was the only thing i could hear.

I never told anyone what was going on because I felt like everyone would think that I am crazy and i couldn't take care of my babies and that it was shellfish to have these thoughts so I just never said anything but everything was slowly getting worse to the point my mind started to convince me that it wasn't shellfish and my children deserved a better mom than me because I was too broken, too weak, and they would be so much better off if I wasn't here anymore and they wouldn't miss me because they had so many other people around them who loved them, they wouldn't miss me or even remember who I was, all my mind kept telling is it wasn't shellfish because this is the only way for them to get the mom they deserved.

So I started planning it out where I would go, how I would do it and decided one day I was just gonna do it when everyone got home because I didn't want to leave my babies at home alone and that thought right there, that one clear level headed thought of not wanting my babies to be home alone is the reason I am still here today because over time I started to realize that my babies did deserve so much more than I could give them so the least I could do is stay alive for them because I never want them to question on why they were not enough for mama to stay alive.

Now don't get me wrong I still live with these thoughts everyday its not something that just goes away, I still have these thoughts everyday about not being good enough, the babies deserve better, everyone would be happier if I just wasn't here anymore but they thoughts of the fact my babies need me and the things I would have missed if I made that choice that day scream louder for me than any of those.

This is still A journey I'm on and My days are still very dark but my babies give me a little light every day and I am so grateful to be they're mom because they save me everyday without even knowing it.

P.S. If you read this far thank you for that and if you have or do ever struggle with thoughts of harming yourself please contact the suicide hotline, you can call or text #988 and it will connect you to a trained counselor and even though it doesn't feel like it right now your life is worth it.

please be kind to yourself and to others.