Trying to love every broken piece part 1

All my life I've been different and I know how cliche that sounds because everyone is different but its the truth. I dressed different, talked different, looked at the world differently then everyone one around me. I remember being in 4th grade and one day I wore a dress to school and all the girls were shocked like it was the first time anyone has ever worn a dress in history, they told me that I finally looked like a ten instead of a four and I never wore a dress again.

I've always been a little different than everyone to the point everyone doesn't know how to take me as a person. I've always had this need to be closed off from everyone and everything, I'd rather observe and study the world and the people in it than to be apart of it or to be apart of the conversation people around me were having and trust me I would try to be apart of the conversation but people wouldn't listen or told me I was too young to know what I was talking about so I just remained quiet and continued to observe.

One thing I learned fairly quickly is that quiet made me look weak to people which showed their true colors once they thought a weak person would not speak up to the actions being done to them, they were right so in my eyes people became untrustworthy so I lost myself in music and books and pushed away from every social situation and just study everyone,

but that's when I started to notice people telling me that I needed to fix myself, I needed to open up more to people and I couldn't help but to think what is there to fix? I'm broken. Is there something wrong with me? I thought quiet was the best thing because you can't hurt anyone when your quiet and no one can hurt you and plus it gave me a chance to learn about people and things but it also gave me a chance to see that people are quick to judge the quiet ones.

I never considered myself broken until everyone told me I needed to be fix but instead of doing that I embraced the brokenness that everyone was claiming that I was and it became apart of me. I became a loner, which was easy to be when your friends toss you to the side when you have nothing material wise to offer them, you would be shocked to see how many people leave you behind when you have nothing to offer them but yourself.

But sometimes it was lonely just living in the background of everyone else's life, I was expendable and yet I was important, I was forgettable and yet memorable, I was someone people could leave me behind and yet I was someone everyone needed and that's the weird thing about all this I was everything to everyone and yet I was nothing to everyone.

So after figuring out these facts that my mind was telling me were true and I guess this goes without saying but the worth I had in myself was disappearing and little by little I was becoming attached to everyone's thoughts of me and what I thought I had to be for everyone else and making that myself worth that I didn't know who I was and what little I did know I didn't like very much.

I remember looking in the mirror when I had the strength to look at myself and thinking who is this girl? who is this soul choosing to spend its time in this body? Why was I chosen to be here? Why was I here?

I also remember thinking what is the purpose of a quiet person in a world so loud we can't even hear ourselves think? what is the purpose of someone so quiet that people forget that person is there? and that's when it hit me quiet people take the time to listen.