Ptsd, Bpd an me

Passion is a huge positive trait of BPD. For me, it’s what keeps me going. It gets me out of bed in the morning. I am probably one of the most passionate people you will meet. Talk to me about musical theatre and you’ll have me rambling for hours — it’s like a release. When I’m feeling good, I am friendly and chatty. When i am feeling bad, I hate myself. I decide I am terrible person and that everyone hates me and no one cares about me. I feel like I deserve to die and that I want to hurt myself. At times I do hurt myself, picking at my skin or pulling off scabs. I self-harm mentally as well, basically bullying myself and doing things I know will make me feel worse because I think I deserve to feel worse. When I’m like this, every little negative thing makes me feel worse. Maybe I send a friend a message and they don’t reply because they’re busy. I assume that they don’t care about me and that I don’t deserve any help and that I’m worthless. I often try and get attention from other people to validate myself, but when things get really bad, I cut myself off from people. I’m scared to ask for help in case someone ignores me or thinks I am doing it for attention. I tell myself over and over again how worthless I am. I need someone to show that they care. But as soon as someone gives me sympathy, I cry because I feel like I don’t deserve it. And as soon as they stop giving sympathy, I feel like they don’t care again. I’m also consumed with guilt for having taken up their time.

BPD, to me, is a constant roller-coaster; not one that thrill seekers enjoy at theme parks, but one where I’m traveling high-speed through a dark forest dodging branches, peaking the highest of the highs and then dropping to the lowest of the lows within a matters of minutes, days or weeks; one that I have been frantically trying to get off for years. The highs can be magical; my confidence and productivity soars and I’m capable of achieving anything I want, everything feels good and I can find myself shedding tears of joy at how wonderful things are. But within hours, these tears can turn to disappear; I’ll feel worthless and I’ll reach for an escape through self-harming behaviors. BPD, to me, is a volcano that can erupt unpredictably; the stress that consumes me can explode into a rage and I can get so angry that I scare myself as well as people around me, therefore causing unstable relationships with family and friends. BPD, to me, is a tornado of extremely overwhelming emotions; it’s feeling emotions that other person might not, but on a much stronger scale. When I am heartbroken, it feels as though I have full-body injuries and I am unable to think clearly, which often leads to implusive actions. My actions may sometimes come off as though I am being manipulative, but often come from a place of experience intense emotional pain. Sometimes I am irritable or defensive towards my loved ones, but most of my anger is projected towards myself. And because of this, it’s hard to tell that anything is really wrong with me. 

PTSD can make it hard to express emotions sometimes. Due to the emotional mental block PTSD can cause, sometimes i am not able to talk about my feelings to my loved ones. In my experience it’s so hard because I want to express emotions but I can’t, making me upset with myself in fear of losing the relationship to something I can’t control. The excitement I may feel about something as small as remembering the chocolate cake I’ve been saving in the fridge can make me feel like I am bursting at the seams and bouncing off the walls. The love I can feel for my pets, partners, family and friends make me feel like I am floating on a cloud. Yes, many people with BPD have abandonment and attachment issues that can cause a lot of problems with relationships, but catch me on a good day and I am full of love I only want to share. Something made you chuckle? I’m probably on the floor in hysterics laughing because this feeling of complete euphoria needs to present itself in one way or another. I’ve always been “too much.” Too emotional, too loud, too talkative, too loving, too intense. Even as I child I remember being this way, crying when a voice was raised just slightly out of my comfort zone, (sadly i still burst into tears when voice are raised or reprimanding me i cant help it and hate it.) crying and uncontrollably apologizing when I had dropped a glass or plate which then smashed. The smallest of accidents I carried with a heavy burden because I believed they were my fault, I had done wrong. Feeling love so deeply that every inch of my being aches with affection I can’t always give to people. Having so much love that ultimately people run away from because I’m “trying too hard” or “trying too much.” I have spiraling episode of self-loathing, crying into pillows to muffle my screams, laying on the bathroom floor wondering where it all went wrong. I ask myself over and over again, why am I like this? Why do I do this to myself? Why do I do this to the people I love?

Although “too much” may be an accurate term to describe me, I know that to someone, someday, my “too much” will be just enough for them. In my struggle with , I often find myself completely unaware of how I’m feeling. By this I mean there is a persistent void of emptiness within me that makes fulfillment and coming to peace with myself nearly impossible. I am so influenced by the self-deprecating thoughts that run marathons in my mind. They tell me, “you’re too sensitive and you’re too much. You are a liability to those around you. your need for reassurance is annoying. You don’t deserve the people you have in your life. You are alone and you’ll never be understood and there’s nothing you can do about it.” I am often consumed with thoughts like these, but sometimes I feel like not much is going on in my head at all. Most days I live with the sense of having no idea what I’m supposed to do next. A lot of times, this emptiness I feel is suffocating and lonely and leaves me feeling restless, wondering who I am and why I feel so useless.

Living with bpd, for me, comes with major depression disorder,  anxiety and ptsd. It makes facing each day complicated because any one of these can be triggered and impact my day. In my mind, my BPD holds a morning meeting. This meeting will decide the outcome of the day and there is a push and pull between me and my BPD. I see the table we sit around like this; BPD sitting at the head of the table. Depression sitting at the next chair, slumped down in the chair, not making eye contact. Anxiety sitting opposite, moving about on the chair, unable to sit still. PTSD sitting down in the corner, begging not to be called on.Me as healthy me, sitting at the other end of the table, slightly nervous.BPD begins the meeting like all meetings. He gives a shout-out to depression and anxiety for the great work they have done lately. He glares at me. He placates PTSD, telling him he won’t be needed but he knows he his our big gun. Then the meeting goes one of two ways: BPD either decides to send out depression or anxiety for the day, at which point I breathe in deeply with fear. And then, there is the big one: will BPD join the party? If he does, I feel instantly overwhelmed, at the mercy of the decision made as if I had no choice whatsoever.

Splitting is the inability to see the both positive and negative aspects of my thoughts, usually associated with how i think about people. Everything is either all good or all bad – there is no middle ground. All of my thoughts are polarized. My life is either absolutely terrible or completely amazing, but nowhere in between… There is nothing intentional about splitting; it’s an automatic response, fight or flight in a way to everyday emotions. Splitting also contributes to frequent mood swings as i switch from all good to all bad. and i hate this so dont assume im being intentional when i act out realize sometimes i need patience or understanding to get through my splitting episode. But I am constantly polarizing my thoughts, and I can’t avoid everything that causes it because then I’d get upset with every person who prefers Miracle Whip to mayo. Even something as irrelevant as that is processed by my splitting thoughts for an example.

Living with a BPD brain is exhausting. The uncertainty of not knowing how i will feel each morning when i wake up, and the anticipation of how many times a day my mood will swing from extremes. The highs, the lows, the anger and everything in between. The lows don’t just feel like sadness; to me, they feel like grieving. The lows are sobbing until my eyes are so sore and swollen that it hurts to blink. It is feeling so emotionally exhausted, i sleep the entire day. It is anger that is so strong it makes me feel uncomfortable to sit with because i can feel the anger all through my body. It ends up in screaming and lashing out because i can’t explain how i feel and i am fed up. but then there are the highs. Feeling so happy, nothing feels like it could ever go wrong. Feeling like a hyperactive child again. Hysterically laughing until i cry. Not being able to sit still because i am so full of energy and i want to do everything at once. It is making plans to do everything all in the span of a week, and feeling so motivated i could complete every task i have been putting off within minutes. The highs feel like i am on top of the world, and im untouchable. Nothing matters because im so happy and nothing can change that. These emotions can switch to one extreme to another in minutes to hours to days.

Living with a BPD brain is thinking in black and white, and it is desperately trying to find a grey area in the middle. This isn’t a choice. Please be patient. im exhausted from trying to regulate myself. a lot of dealing with means having a lot of patience. sometimes even explaining simple things to me takes a lot, my suggestion is if i seem confused try explaining what ever your talking about explain like you would a child. Im not trying to be difficult just sometimes hard for me.

It is important to remember that BPd is an illness, not a willful attempt to get attention. i lack the boots much less the bootstraps, with which i can pull myself up. it is useless to get angry or to cajole and plead with me to change. without help an motivation i cannot easily modify my behavior. i want to change but need the support an help through my healing. I can love in so many different and unique ways. But… and there is a but. BPD and love for me is kind of like looking in to a mirror — weird metaphor I know. But what I mean by it is, when you look in the mirror you see yourself, but not properly. You see a reverse image of yourself and not one that is fully accurate. with BPD i can have a false sense of security in a relationship. i feel safer, calmer and obviously loved. i do anything and everything to please my partner, to keep my partner and to make them happy.

So now I've hopefully opened some peoples mind to how even invisible disorders can be challenging and maybe a look at myself.