sarah young

Ptsd, Bpd an me

Passion is a huge positive trait of BPD. For me, it’s what keeps me going. It gets me out of bed in the morning. I am probably one of the most passionate people you will meet. Talk to me about musical theatre and you’ll have me rambling for hours — it’s like a release. When I’m feeling good, I am friendly and chatty. When i am feeling bad, I hate myself. I decide I am terrible person and that everyone hates me and no one cares about me. I feel like I deserve to die and that I want to hurt myself. At times I do hurt myself, picking at my skin or pulling off scabs. I self-harm mentally as well, basically bullying myself and doing things I know will make me feel worse because I think I deserve to feel worse. When I’m like this, every little negative thing makes me feel worse. Maybe I send a friend a message and they don’t reply because they’re busy. I assume that they don’t care about me and that I don’t deserve any help and that I’m worthless. I often try and get attention from other people to validate myself, but when things get really bad, I cut myself off from people. I’m scared to ask for help in case someone ignores me or thinks I am doing it for attention. I tell myself over and over again how worthless I am. I need someone to show that they care. But as soon as someone gives me sympathy, I cry because I feel like I don’t deserve it. And as soon as they stop giving sympathy, I feel like they don’t care again. I’m also consumed with guilt for having taken up their time.