Practicing the Twelfth Step of AA Outside of Meetings

One of the things I've come to appreciate about Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) is that its principles can remain relevant long after someone stops regularly attending meetings.

I haven't been particularly involved in the AA community for the past few years, but that doesn't mean I've stopped applying what I learned there. In fact, some of the lessons that have stuck with me the most have very little to do with attending meetings or even with staying sober.

One example is the Twelfth Step.

The Twelfth Step encourages people who have worked through the program to carry its message to others struggling with alcoholism and to practice its principles in all aspects of their lives.

I think that second part is especially important.

While the Twelve Steps are primarily intended to help people recover from alcoholism, many of the principles they emphasize, including honesty, humility, patience, and service to others, can be valuable well beyond recovery.

For me, practicing the Twelfth Step isn't necessarily about attending meetings every week or sponsoring other alcoholics. It's also about how I treat people, how I respond when I'm frustrated, and whether I make an effort to contribute something positive to the world around me.

I'm currently studying to become a nurse, and one of the things that draws me to nursing is the opportunity to make a meaningful difference in people's lives.

I want to become a knowledgeable and competent nurse who can provide excellent care while also treating patients with kindness and empathy. My experiences with addiction and recovery have influenced the way I think about other people, particularly those who may be struggling with circumstances that aren't immediately obvious.

I'm also in the process of establishing an AA group on my college campus.

If everything works out, this will be the first time in approximately three years that I've regularly attended a weekly AA meeting. I'm looking forward to having the opportunity to help create a supportive environment for students who are struggling with alcohol or who simply want to connect with others in recovery.

Both nursing and establishing a campus AA group are ways I hope to make a positive contribution to my community.

However, I don't think practicing the principles of AA always requires doing something particularly significant.

Sometimes, it's much simpler than that.

I try to make a conscious effort to do little things throughout the day that might make someone else's life slightly better.

Holding a door open, smiling at someone as they walk by, thanking people for small acts of kindness, or simply being polite to someone who might be having a difficult day.

None of these things are particularly impressive, and most of us probably learned to do them when we were children.

However, I think it's surprisingly easy to forget them when we're stressed, distracted, tired, or just having a bad day.

I also think there's another side to this that we sometimes overlook.

If we recognize that we're occasionally going to forget these small courtesies, shouldn't we be willing to extend the same understanding to other people?

After all, most of us would appreciate a little patience when we're having a difficult day.

Something that happened recently reminded me of this.

It was around 9:15 at night, and I was in my dorm room after a particularly long week.

I had been putting in 12-hour days and was pretty exhausted. I decided to grab my book and head downstairs to a little reading nook that I visit most nights.

As I walked down the hallway, I was distracted and not paying much attention to my surroundings.

I opened a door, walked through it, and let it close behind me.

What I hadn't noticed was that two people were walking behind me and also needed to get through the door.

As I approached the next doorway, I heard the first door open again.

I turned around and saw a girl staring at me.

She scowled and said, "That was rude."

My immediate reaction?

I wanted to tell her to go fuck herself.

Not exactly a shining example of the principles I've been discussing.

I was exhausted, I'd had a long week, and I hadn't intentionally done anything rude. I simply hadn't noticed that she and her friend were behind me.

From my perspective, she was making an unnecessarily hostile comment about something that had been a completely innocent mistake.

However, one thing I've gotten considerably better at over the years is recognizing when my initial emotional reaction might not be the most reasonable one.

Rather than immediately responding with something equally unpleasant, I stopped and thought about the situation.

From her perspective, I had walked through a door and let it close right in front of her.

She had no way of knowing that I was distracted or that I hadn't even noticed her.

For all she knew, I had seen her coming and simply couldn't be bothered to hold the door.

And while I hadn't intended to be rude, I also realized that I probably should have been paying more attention to my surroundings.

Had I been a little more aware, I likely would have noticed the two people approaching and held the door for them.

Then I started thinking about something else.

What if she'd also had a terrible week?

Maybe she was stressed about school, exhausted from work, or dealing with something difficult in her personal life.

Maybe the door incident was just one more frustrating thing in an already frustrating day.

Of course, I have no idea whether any of that was true.

But that's precisely the point.

I didn't know what kind of day she'd been having, just as she didn't know what kind of day I'd been having.

There have been plenty of days when a stranger's small act of kindness has made me feel a little better.

Sometimes it's something as simple as someone smiling, holding a door, or taking a moment to have a friendly conversation.

These interactions might only last a few seconds, but they can make a surprisingly meaningful difference.

The opposite is also true.

When we're already stressed or frustrated, a minor inconvenience can feel much more significant than it actually is.

I think it's important to recognize that other people experience this too.

It's easy to interpret someone's behavior as intentionally rude, inconsiderate, or disrespectful when we don't know anything about what they're dealing with.

Sometimes people really are being rude. I'm certainly not suggesting that every unpleasant interaction needs to be excused or that we should tolerate genuinely harmful behavior.

But I do think we could all benefit from being a little less eager to assume the worst about one another.

In my case, I could have responded angrily to the girl's comment. I probably would have felt justified in doing so, especially given how tired and frustrated I was.

But what would that have accomplished?

Most likely, we both would have walked away feeling more irritated than we already were.

Instead, I had an opportunity to reflect on my own behavior and consider another person's perspective.

That might not sound like much, but I think it's a meaningful part of personal growth.

I still get frustrated with people.

I still have moments when my first instinct is to say something unkind, become defensive, or react more strongly than a situation warrants.

And I certainly don't handle every interaction as well as I would like.

However, I think one of the most valuable things I've learned through recovery is that I don't have to act on every emotion I experience.

I can feel angry without responding angrily.

I can recognize that someone else's behavior bothered me without assuming they intended to upset me.

And when I do react poorly, I can reflect on what happened and try to handle a similar situation differently in the future.

To me, these are examples of putting the principles of AA into practice in everyday life.

The Twelfth Step specifically emphasizes carrying the message of recovery to other alcoholics, and I still believe that is an important part of the program. It's one reason I'm working to establish an AA meeting on campus.

But I also believe that practicing these principles in all our affairs means making an effort to become more thoughtful, patient, and considerate people.

It doesn't always require doing something remarkable.

Sometimes it means holding a door.

Sometimes it means offering someone a smile.

And sometimes it means resisting the urge to tell someone to go fuck themselves.

If there's one thing I hope readers take away from this article, it's that small acts of kindness and patience can matter more than we realize.

We all have difficult days. We all get distracted, frustrated, and occasionally fail to treat people as well as we should.

Recognizing that in ourselves should make it a little easier to recognize it in others.

I don't think being a kind person means never getting angry or frustrated. I think it means making an effort to respond thoughtfully, even when our initial reaction isn't particularly kind.

And when we fall short, we can acknowledge it, learn from it, and try again.

That's something I learned through recovery, and it's something I continue to work on today.

Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts and experiences.

I'd love to hear how others interpret the Twelfth Step or how their experiences with recovery have influenced the way they approach everyday interactions. Feel free to share your thoughts in the responses, whether you agree with my perspective or see things differently.

If you enjoyed the article, consider giving it a few claps or following me here on Medium. I plan to continue writing about addiction, recovery, mental health, and the lessons I've learned along the way.

Stay safe,

ZF