Pain

Today as I sit here, I am in pain. I am in pain physically. Today, it is not a heavy pain. On a scale of one to ten I would only rate it a four. But it is there. I have not taken any medication. Nor will I. I have not told a single person about this pain yet today, nor did I intend to. Why is that?

Where did my pain come from? I have spent twenty years in the Army with three combat missions to the Middle East. My back has degenerative disk disease brought on early from wearing 80 pounds of body armor for days (and sometimes weeks) at a time. My doctor at the Department of Veteran Affairs said that my back pain is the equivalent to what the average 60-year-old man suffers. Mine just arrive 25 years early.

I feel it, and I accept it. It is the byproduct of a life that I have chosen and a life that I loved. The pain is a constant reminder of my past. When I feel pain, it triggers the thoughts of thankfulness for where I am today. Today, in a matter of hours, I will go home. There I have a bed, a tv, Xbox, indoor plumbing, and windows. I can make food of my own choosing. I do not have to worry about being poisoned by terrorists. I do not have to worry about incoming rockets or gunfire or irate mobs. I can simply relax.

However, relax is not something that always comes easy. For myself, it is much easier to relax the mind than the body. I can lay in my bed and watch Netflix or play video games and my brain relaxes, and yet, my back or neck maybe throbbing. My headaches come and go more often than I care to admit. The small, everyday pain is always there. It is only when my pain scale exceeds the number 7 that I begin to medicate. I choose this because if I do not, I will quickly become dependent on my drugs. The Army has put enough unknown chemicals into my body over the years. I would rather continue that trend if I can avoid it.

So what do I do? Every day I have to wake up to a choice. A choice to get out of bed. A choice to climb down the stairs to let out the dogs, knowing that for whatever reason the pain in my legs and back is so intense that I need to lean against the wall on the way down to have it support some of my body weight and relieve the feeling of what seems to be knives stabbing into my body. This is not an easy choice, but then again, it is. Because I refuse to be limited by my pain. I believe myself to be stronger than the pain that overtakes my body. And I cannot allow pain to rob me from the life I want to live.

What is it like to always hurt? I know I am not the only one. Many people live with pain in their bodies every day. Maybe it is not the result of military combat. Perhaps, it is a disease overtaking their body. It could the be result of an accident where the body never healed correctly. Pain comes in many ways. Literally two nights ago, another soldier I deployed to Afghanistan in 2012 sent me a message on Facebook asking if I suffered from migraines. Like myself, he had been dealing with them since being home. I told him yes. He asked what to do to file for disability. I told him. But as is common amongst military personnel (as well as many civilians), he had never mentioned his pain to anyone. And here it is years later.

There will always be things in each of our lives that cripple us in one way or another. Pain is common. Financial hardship can also put burdens on us that keep us down. Relationships with friends and family can hold us back. Criminal past hinders many others. And, of course, poor life choices may also keep us from moving forward. For many of us, these obstacles keep us from living the lives we desire to live. Very few of us live perfect lives where everything is handed to us on silver platters. The rest of us struggle.

Sadly, there is not a solution for everyone’s pain. I cannot say, “If only you do physical therapy… If only you take a finance class… If only you move away from your family…” then all your problems will disappear, and you will be free to live the life you always wanted for yourself. There are things that many of us carry that no amount of pain killers, therapy, or other fixes can cure. Our only option is to realize that these things may be our new normal, and we may have to simply accept that reality in order to move forward. In no way am I suggesting that anyone should give up when there are things that can be done to improve their situations. But in other cases, we may have to come to terms that this is the way life is for us now.

I heard someone say once that “Life is not fair. But then again, it’s not fair for everyone. So perhaps life is fair.” It is easy for me to look at my life and say to myself, “It is not fair that I have to suffer when all I was trying to do was serve my country.” But I know longer put faith in the “fairness” of life. There are things in my life that I work on daily to help myself live my life to its fullest. And more recently, there are things in my life that I have learned to accept that I cannot change or improve, and these are my new normal. The potential to get depressed over such things is easy if I allow it. But everyday I remind myself that there are things (pains) that I cannot do anything about, and that it is okay. It is just my new normal. And I can still live the best life I can, while I carry this pain.