On finding yourself after being Sexually Assaulted.

Being sexually assaulted, no matter the circumstances, is one of the most de-humanising things that can happen to a person today. And learning to trust other people and furthermore yourself after an experience is a challenge, and will certainly take a long arse time - I know it's not what you want to hear, but things do get better.

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When I was 16 one of my best friends told me she was moving to America - the other side of the world! So in true teen fashion, we had a going-away party, in which we got very smashed to try and squeeze in all the 18th's and memories we wouldn't be able to celebrate together. I spent the majority of that night curled up on the bathroom floor vomiting my guts up. My friends, bless them, called my ride, a guy I had been friends with for 5 years, and my closest friend at the time. They thought I was safe, and I wouldn't have thought any different if I were them.

I left that party at 11 pm and got home the next morning at 4 am. I still have very little memory of what happened in those 5 hours, but the feeling of absolute disgust I woke up with I will never forget. I was raped in the passenger seat of his ford, and the only memories I had were the flashbacks that came when looking at the bruises covering my body.

I had never felt less myself - less human than I did at that moment. To be honest, that feeling lasted for several months, and slips in and out of my days like a constant reminder.

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To all those who have been through something similar - and I know there's a lot of you; the statistics are disgusting - You are not alone.

Most people who go through these situations know their attacker. It can be hard to escape the constant reminders even if they are not around - I spent every day with mine in school, a sort of torture I had convinced myself I deserved. But it wasn't my fault, even if my arsehole of a principal at the time would tend to say, and it most certainly isn't yours either.

You can wear whatever you want, you can smile at whoever you want, speak to, flirt with - you are not, and never will be 'asking for it'.

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So how do you move on from it?

Simple answer: you can't.

I may sound like a pessimist, but it's true - it's not going to be something you simply dust off and walk away from. It will be hard to trust, hard to love someone else and yourself again. But just because it's hard at first, doesn't mean it won't get easier.

I think it becomes a constant reminder of the bad in the world, and it can be hard to see any good shimmering through when it constantly shrouds your mind. But there is good, and if you look for it around you, it can make coping with the trauma that little bit easier.

Surround yourself with those who are willing to be by your side through the ups and downs, with those you trust even when you feel like you have no one.

I blocked myself off from everyone for a couple of months, didn't so much as mutter anything past a couple of syllables and jumped when people would go to hug me or tap me on the shoulder. It wasn't until I broke down in front of my best friends did I realise the weight I had been carrying.

Talking - even though it seems like the hardest thing to do - Helps.

The most helpful person through everything was my English teacher, a kind of second mother to me throughout high school - with similar dreams and values, and I found out similar experiences. Talking with her made me understand I wasn't alone, and I finally realised how not my fault this all was - and for her, I am forever grateful.

Talking to people who have had similar experiences is a way to feel not alone, or judged, and if you trust someone enough to let them in, please do.

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After a year of going to therapy (which I recommend to everyone), spending my time distracting myself with studying and reading, I thought I was okay - I was finally better.

I had reached a couple personal milestones; my nightmares had become less frequent, I was focusing in school again, I had even managed to bring myself to go to a party.

It wasn't until I ended up crying in front of the most popular guy in school as we hooked up in my car (still don't know how this ended up happening - I was, and still am, an absolute nerd), that I came to terms with the fact that this is forever apart of me. I am a Victim of Sexual Assult. This doesn't make me weak, or a slut, or someone who deserves to be looked down upon and judged.

I am still here, I am still living, and although some days may end in a tub of icecream and a bath filled with tears - I am even stronger then I was before.

When you reach the point where you can understand you are not at fault, that you and no other human being deserves to be touched without consent, you start to really live again.

This may take days, but in reality it could take years, and that is okay.

Learn to not look down upon the time you take, everyone is different, and finding yourself again is a process worth pursuing no matter how hard the journey.

I am not going to tell you to simply believe this, because that would be naieve and plain rude. But I will ask you to submerge yourself into things you love, take time to listen to your emotions and don't judge yourself for having a bad day, week or month. You have been through something I would never wish on anyone, and it is okay not to be okay during this time.

I've listed below some of the things I love, that helped me to try and connect with myself again and learn to feel whole.

Please don't take this as a to do list, we are all beautifully unique and have different interests - but I do encourage you to write your own if you're struggling and give it a go!

• Reading: This always helped distract me on a bad day, submerging myself into a new world and picking at my emotions and thoughts through characters made me judge myself less, as I could relate different thoughts to storylines.
• Water: I spent alot of time at the beach, which i'm lucky to live so close to. Just staring at a great expanse of sea or submerging myself in the salt water helped to calm me, and made me realise what a great big world there is to discover - so I couldn't give up just yet.
• Writing: Journaling, poetry and even essays, I did it all. Whenever I had a thought I couldn't or didn't want to talk about, it got written down. I now have a collection of my various brain dumps stored in my Notes, and I look back on them quite fondly to see how far i've come.
• Health: Eating well (with a well deserved choc-mint icecream binge every now and them) helped me alot. I became vegan, and started cooking and baking more. I exercised and I took care of my body better then I had ever done before. I think this helped both mentally and physically, increasing endorphins and making me stronger. I started to look in the mirror and not see someone who was weak, but someone who had some fight left in them.
• Not changing: I think the biggest thing I learnt to do was to finally trust that yes, things like this don't just happen in movies, but, no, I won't give up the things I enjoy in order to minimise risk. Going out with friends and clubing, going to parties I learnt to do these, just more safely; watching my drinks, making sure I wasn't alone. But I didn't change how I interacted with people, or what I wore, or who I smiled at - I think this made me feel more still me then anything else.

If you have been sexually assulted, remember you are not alone, and you did not deserve to be treated in such a de-humanising way.

You are Kind. You are Strong. You are Beautiful. You are Loved.

No one can take that away from you.

Lots of love,

M xx

If you are struggling please reach out to someone, whether that be family, friends, the police or your countries mental health services.