New year, new less toxic me.

Trigger warning: topics discussed throughout of mental health conditions, borderline personality disorder and emotional abuse such as gaslighting

WOW! 2020, what a year!

Many of us are glad to see the back of the year, and are looking forward to new beginnings. A global pandemic and a lockdown has given us many reasons to appreciate the smaller things in life, but what have we learnt about ourselves in this pandemic?

This was a big question I have spent a lot of time overthinking. Never in my life have I spent more one to one time with myself than in this pandemic, as will be the case for many people around the world. Many have flourished, many are broken and many of us are struggling desperately with our mental health. Someone told me suicide rates are at the highest they've been since the war, and I'm not surprised. This pandemic has broken me in ways I never thought were possible. I have realised things about myself that horrify me, things that amaze me, things I love, and things I'm desperately trying to work on.

It's safe to say I've learnt a lot of new things about myself this year, maybe these things weren't new, but it's taken being locked inside with myself to finally accept them as truth, and not just things I don't want to admit about myself.

One of the things I've learnt, is that my brain is not okay. I am diagnosed with depression and anxiety, but there is much more going on. I have had to listen to the people around me and really look at my own behaviour through a magnifying glass, and the results are overwhelming. My behaviour is consistent with someone suffering from borderline personality disorder (BPD). BPD is described by the NHS as "In general, someone with a personality disorder will differ significantly from an average person in terms of how he or she thinks, perceives, feels or relates to others."

More info can be found here:

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/

I move forward into the new year, finally having an answer. Scheduling further appointments and really working on understanding myself, but I would like to share with you part of my journey towards reaching this point.

Taking the first step

Everyone suffering with mental health of any kind will have a different journey and a story, different triggers and reasons for mental health. I've suffered with my mental health my entire life, however, my mental health really suffered in 2012, after the death of both my parents when I was only 17 years of age. Grief and trauma changes a person, and I am lucky I can pinpoint an event that most of my mental health stems from, though this is not where all my mental health issues stem from. Many people suffering from mental health have numerous reasons and triggers for their mental health worsening, and I am yet to meet someone whose mental health is not complex. Our brains are very complex places after all!

The very first step in realising some of my behaviours are toxic and not normal has been simply to listen to other people. This seems simple, however, it is important to recognise that not everyone in your life will be worth listening to, and not everyone in your life will give you sound advice. Our relationships with various people are different, as all people are different. I have some friends I go to for advice because I know they'll tell me what I want to hear, and some friends I go to for advice because they'll tell me the outright truth, whether it hurts or not. 2020 has definitely made me realise that the friends that tell you the outright truth are the only ones you need in your life.

I am someone who is fortunate enough to say they have more than one best friend. I have some from school, some I've met through work or some I've met randomly, but I am equally as close to all of them. These friends, and my family, have been the people in my life informing me of my behaviour and issues in our relationships for years. It is completely normal to have arguments with your friends and family, it is arguably healthy in order to work out issues. As you reach adulthood there are ways in which having these arguments can show your maturity - i.e. adults will talk maturely, communicate and work it out, less mature people will scream and shout and let it all out. That's not to say if you shout you are immature, things get heated sometimes and we all lose control of our emotions, but if you are someone who is screaming and shouting more often that being able to communicate calmly and maturely, then you probably need to assess your behaviour and work out why. In my case I've found myself screaming and shouting far too often, not always being able to remember things I've said, not understanding the tone at which I've said them, and this has begun to seriously affect relationships I have with people around me.

This has led to discussions where I have had to really learn to listen and not react abruptly and quickly to criticisms towards my actions or character. My sister has come to me many times and said the way I react isn't normal. My sister has told me many times my mood swings aren't normal. My friends have witnessed many outbursts of mass emotions. My constant fear of being left out, we laugh and call it fomo (fear of missing out), but this stems from the abandonment issues that come with BPD. Many of these things I have ignored for so long, or some of them, such as my reactions, are things I have been more aware of and really tried to work on over the years. I've tried breathing techniques for anger, had friends tell me I need to try this and that, I tell people to leave me alone when I'm having a 'meltdown' so I can cool down, but still, my relationships are being affected.

After taking a step forward and two steps back I have had to stop and think, maybe there is something more going on here, and not all of this is my fault?

Recognising my own toxic behaviour

In a year of being locked inside whilst sitting on furlough pay that is barely enough to cover my rent (I am in no way complaining I know I'm lucky to have anything at all!), arguments with my friends and family have been becoming more and more frequent. The pressure the lockdown has put on me financially has been incredibly stressful as it will be for many people right now. This has lead to my mental health not being so great, and I have learnt that when I am struggling more, maintaining healthy relationships with people becomes a struggle. As I have spent so much time with myself, I've really had to reflect on all these instances of conflict in my life and try and work out - why do I always make the same mistakes? I have had to recognise that sometimes I'm horrible. Sometimes in arguments, I can be unreasonable. Sometimes my reactions to situations can be completely explosive and uncalled for. Sometimes I can have such a massive arrange of emotions in such a short amount of time I have no idea what to do with them.

Sometimes these things can be completely normal. What isn't normal is when these situations lead to suicide threats, feelings of complete loss of self, being completely unable to control your anger no matter how hard you try. It isn't normal when you cannot understand or remember instances where these things happen, or do not understand how you have reacted in a bad way. It isn't normal to hit yourself in the face, or to throw your whole body on the floor. This has led me to have to really understand that my brain does not work in a normal way. If you have one person tell you that something you do isn't normal you probably wouldn't listen or want to care. When you feel deep down as though you have done the right thing, you will not accept someone telling you what you did was wrong. This is not about morality, I have strong, kind and good morals, but what if you thought you'd said something in the correct tone or reacted in a normal and justified way, but you have multiple people telling you that the way you've acted isn't normal and justified? Do you continue to ignore them? Especially if those people are people you love and trust, people that have been with you for years or people that you know have your best interest at heart. Are these people just gaslighting me to make me question my own sanity? Or is there something wrong here?

2021 has begun by being the year where I have finally listened. I have finally recognised my own behaviours that are toxic. I have finally stopped putting up the guard as soon as I am criticised. I have finally begun to recognise how my denial and refusal to seek further investigation and help into my mental health has seriously affected the people around me. I have learnt to accept the continuous behaviour patterns and problematic behaviour people that truly care about me want to help me get on top of. None of this makes me a bad person. The way my brain works is different and that is okay.

Taking accountability

2020 was really a year on the internet of making people accountable for their actions. 'Cancel culture' and calling people out for toxic behaviour is at an all-time high. In my opinion, this has definitely spread out into social culture, causing people to hold people in their lives accountable for the hurt they have caused, as well as recognising and holding yourself accountable for the hurt you have caused other people.

No one in this world is perfect, we are all human and we all make mistakes. As we move into 2021 I have realised my mistakes in my relationships are abundant. Finding out about BPD means I have finally found an explanation for my behaviour, but it doesn't mean I have a 'get out of jail free' card for everything.

A lot of the way I act isn't my fault, my lack of control over my emotions and reactions aren't my fault, however, that doesn't mean I can't be held accountable. If I upset someone or hurt someone I need to apologise and make it right, whether or not the BPD has anything to do with it.

I have found taking accountability very hard, as understanding some of the wrongs I have done in the first place is still something I am coming to terms with. It is a journey and I am open to listen to others, whether it be painful or not, as I love my family and friends with all my heart. I do not want to end up alone because I am unable to communicate and maintain relationships with others. You have to understand that I don't always know when something I've done isn't 'normal' as my brain doesn't work in the same way as others. It's baffling to even think of because it's so normal to me, and if people tell me my behaviour wasn't normal, I can't understand what they mean or how they took it in another way to my intentions. It's almost like at times I witnessed the same situation in another reality, and I become completely disconnected or begin disassociating. This leaves me with a complete loss of my sense of self.

I finally have an explanation as to why I feel my brain doesn't work the same as everyone else's. Although I have an explanation, it doesn't mean all my problems will go away. I have the most difficult task when taking accountability and apologising for my actions: I can't promise it won't happen again. I can't promise I won't react badly, I can't promise I won't have another crazy mood swing, I can't promise that I won't be difficult to have in your life. But I can promise I'll try. I can promise to get help, I can promise to try and work out how to cope and control the thoughts in my brain. Finally taking accountability has been actually listening and agreeing to do this, making these promises rather than just trying to gain control on my own and damaging my relationships in the process. I need the people around me to allow me some leniency, know that my actions don't reflect my character, understand that my brain is different and that makes it even more difficult. I know I am not a bad person, or a horrible person, so finding out which people in my life are prepared to learn about BPD with me has really helped me to work out which people are worth keeping in my life.

Recognising other peoples toxic behaviour

One of my biggest battles on this journey is the realisation that some of the people in my life, that I love, may not be able to accept and understand me enough to want to keep me in their life. This is incredibly painful but comes hand in hand with me knowing my self-worth, and that I deserve people who care about me enough to try. It is knowing, that if I am being mistreated by someone and having a lot of arguments, that despite BPD playing a factor in my life, it isn't always me being the only one out of order, and other people can be horrible too. It is so difficult as I'm constantly looking to blame myself and over anaylise my behaviour, so I can overlook being mistreated by thinking it is all my fault. I am a very naturally self-reflective person, and always want to improve myself. I am my own worst critic, I beat myself up and I'm harder on myself than anyone. Beginning to understand how BPD has affected my relationships, I have woken up to realise that some of the people in my life are not good people for me. As I recognise toxic behaviours in myself, I recognise them in other people too.

Recently I have lost a best friend of 5 years. I have known for a few years that this person shows toxic and narcissistic tendencies, after a big falling out we had. We made up from that fight, but I saw a side to her that I really didn't like, and it stuck with me since. There have been massive red flags throughout - her telling me I couldn't have a boyfriend, her telling me all my friends are bad people, her constant manipulation of things. I ignored all of this, as on a whole, she was a great friend, we had a great relationship and fun times, just as long as I never went to her about anything to do with my mental health. 'I'm just not the right friend to talk to about it', she'd say. Our relationship ended due to a massive argument about nothing, where I reacted and acted badly, but she also showed very toxic behaviour. I wanted to have a conversation, take accountability for my actions and allow her to take accountability for her own. She ended it without one, gaslighting me and refusing to admit any fault, the friendship over. This hurt me, but made me ask myself one question - If someone can only see me at my best, but refuse to accept me at my worst, are they really that great of a friend? Nevermind ending a 5 year friendship without a conversation.

Working out which relationships are worth fighting for

Upon learning about myself and facing fresh challenges within my mental health due to BPD, I have realised it is impossible for me to have anyone in my life that refuses to acknowledge my mental health, as the acknowledgement and understanding of BPD is critical to any relationship I now have. This is a horrible realisation for me, as it leaves me feeling as though I can never find love or have any friends without hurting people. I feel as though I should just be alone, that way I can never upset anyone. I often feel as though I am undeserving of love, I often put myself down. I don't want to upset anyone, I just want to make people happy. I don't want to be alone, I just want love and to be loved. It has taken me until now to realise this isn't just something I want, this is something I deserve. I deserve to love and be loved.

I don't need anyone that tells me they 'don't know how to be around me', I need people that say, 'I've been struggling to understand, how best can I support you?'. I don't need people that won't let me speak or explain, I need people to listen and understand. I don't need people that say that tell me it's all my fault and won't listen when I'm trying to tell them that they upset me. I need people that can admit their own faults too. I don't need people that make me feel crazy, I need people that make me feel accepted. No one needs people like this in their life.

Acceptance and making resolutions to move onto a brighter future

Though I have accepted BPD, I have not fully reached the point of accepting myself, I still feel unlovable at times. I still feel like I have a LOT of work to do on myself, to cope, to improve and to feel as though I'm in a 'good' place.

Yet I'm positive!!

I'm positive for new beginnings. I'm positive that all the people I now have around me are only wonderful people, who care about me and see how amazing I am, despite my funny brain. I have got rid of everyone toxic from my life, and I'm really working hard on making sure I'm not a toxic person in anyone else's life.

My advice to anyone reading this, who may know someone in a similar situation to me, is to be kind, understanding and above all else, patient. I'm so thankful for the people that have always seen the good in me when I haven't been able to see it in myself. I'm so lucky to have people that remind me of how awesome I am and don't just make me feel guilty for my flaws.

2021 is the first year in a long time I've set myself any resolutions. I usually hate resolutions as it's just setting yourself up for failure. It's always some rubbish like be healthier, quit smoking (something I'm forever working on) or go to the gym more (which won't be happening anytime soon as they're shut). Yet for the first time in years, here I am with setting some. This is because I have realised, setting resolutions isn't about setting yourself up for failure, they are about reminding yourself of what you are capable of, to make yourself the best you that you can be. So the resolutions I've set aren't ones I can fail as I am capable of everything I resolve to do. They aren't resolutions about money or success, they are resolutions to be happy. Instead of saying I want to, I say I WILL. This year I will really work on understanding myself. I disagree that you 'find' yourself. You create yourself, and the tweaking never ends.

This year I will make sure I never take anyone for granted because I have some really exceptional people in my life. I will gain coping mechanisms, I will get better. I will show myself kindness, allow for mistakes, and learn from my experiences. I will not resist growth or change. I will allow myself to fail, pick myself back up and try again. I will refuse to give up and know when to give in. I will set boundaries and I will not allow myself to be mistreated. I will love and be loved.

This year I will be the best me I can be.

Thank you for reading part of my journey. It is not over!