Name withheld

In 2014 I required an emergency admission to a Queensland Health Public Psychiatric Unit.

My Psychiatrist was trialing a range of medications in an attempt to alleviate my inability to break the deadlock of immobilising Depression.

My deterioration included the incapacity to rollover in bed.

My Dad was scheduled to drive me to my weekly appointment on Friday at 11.30 am.

My Psychiatrist rang me on the Wednesday before my appointment and increased my anti depressant medication; titrating conservatively.

Overnight I suffered a Manic switch which quickly progressed to a Psychotic break by Friday.

This is not unusual with Bipolar Affective Disorder.

Antidepressants “have the propensity to destabilize mood, precipitating both hypomanic and manic episodes”—a phenomenon called antidepressant associated hypomania (AAH).24 Sept 2020

See: https://www.psychiatryadvisor.com/home/depression-advisor/antidepressant-associated-hypomania-navigating-clinical-challenges/

My private health insurance had lapsed so following my appointment he rang the Psychiatric Unit to enquire about capacity. Fortunately a bed was available.

My Dad drove me there and we arrived at 1 pm. I was finally admitted at 8.30 pm.

On day three of a one week stay, a young woman approached me in the dining room at breakfast and asked if I had heroin.

I said, “No. Why do you want it?” She spoke in a numb and monotone voice, “To kill myself.”

I knew from experience that far from numb her thoughts were trapped in the loop of ‘suicide is the only solution.’

I gazed at her vacant expression and asked what her name was and she replied, “I’m [ Name withheld ].”

Highly distressed, I found a nurse and told her what had happened. She said not to worry about other patients but to concentrate on myself.

At midday when I was sitting by the helicopter pad smoking she came shuffling down to a male Psychiatric patient and asked him for some wire to hang herself.

He stood to attention, “Listen space cadet. Nobody dies on my watch.” He then saluted.

Defeated, [ Name withheld ] drifted away.

Highly distressed, I found a nurse and told her what had happened. She said not to worry about other patients but to concentrate on myself.

Later that evening, once again I was sitting down by the helicopter pad, this time with another patient.

[ Name withheld ] wandered by oblivious to our presence.

A car exited from the staff car park. I immediately knew her intention and shouted, “[ Name withheld ] STOP!”

Fortunately she presented with Psychomotor Retardation. A physical manifestation common when you have sunk to the depths of profound Depression.

She did walk in front of the car, however the staff member leaving saw her and came to a halt. She reached for her mobile phone and rang the Hospital to report the incident.

I assumed that Nursing staff would come running.

Did they?

No.

The car drove away, duty now completed and [ Name withheld ] stumbled in the the opposite direction. She was drawn to the headlight flashes of the traffic laden road.

I sat, paralysed.

I was in the throes of a Manic switch and a Psychotic break.

30 minutes later two Security Guards with their ever present blue gloves came walking and chatting through the gardens behind me.

I screamed, “Please find her. She needs help. [ Name withheld ] went that way. She wants to kill herself.”

They glanced at me and ambled in the direction I had indicated with no sense of urgency.

Highly distressed but no longer paralysed, I found a nurse and told her what had happened. She said not to worry about other patients but to concentrate on myself.

I don’t know if [ Name withheld ] survived. I did not see her on the wards after that evening.

I like to think that she was found, and placed in lockdown; PICU (the Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit.)

It’s now 2021 and I often think of her tortured soul.

I hope that she eventually received compassionate and optimal care, and is well.

Pauline Fountain. © 2023. All rights reserved. No part of this work may be used or reproduced without the written permission of the author.