My mother taught me about suicide

The question today in my writing suggestion was if I think suicide is selfish. The topic of suicide is really confusing to me. I have a lot of conflicting feelings about the topic, my experience on this has been all over the place throughout my life. My first introduction to the subject was when I was about five years old. When I was pretty young my mother had a group of friends she would party with on a regular basis. All of these friends also had children of varying ages. When our parents where drinking they would usually have all of us kids at one person's house to keep us occupied or if we where at the same location kids would be delegated to one area. During this time one of the oldest boys in the group on a day he alone took his mother's handgun outside. He sat on a swing and shot himself in the head. His mother would say it was an accident, but I have always believed it was true. I think at the time I was too young to truly comprehend the tragedy of the situation. It did leave an impression with me though. I don't think I have the words to express how I felt about it, however, it wasn't completely negative for me. Back at that time I did believe in heaven though and maybe in my mind I figured that was better then what I was experiencing in life. Later when I was maybe eight years old my uncle attempted suicide, by shooting himself just under the chin. Holding the gun up toward his head under his jaw the bullet went up through his mouth hitting bone and changing the direction of the bullet. This caused his jaw to be destroyed but for the bullet to not reach it's intended destination. The result was his jaw being wired shut in order to heal and some life long issues with pain. I watched my grandmother grind his meals in an iron meat grinder for some time. This left a negative impression on me that after his attempt it just left him with additional problems. The remaining lessons I learned about suicide came from my mother. She would tell me she wanted to die from time to time. So many times that they left no impression on me and I'm hard-pressed to remember them specifically. I truly had no feeling about these discussions because I never believed her. I knew my luck would never be that good. I knew that if she died I would be placed with my grandparents which would have ended to hell I lived in. The only time I really had any reaction to my mother's death was when my stepfather would say I would be staying with him in order to take my mother's place and continue to raise my brothers. There was one conversation that I had with my mother when I was approximately ten years old though that did stick in my memory. It was an occasion where my mother could not get out of bed. I don't remember what I need from her or what she was supposed to be doing but I was in her room sitting on her bed. She told me she dreamed of killing herself. I probably told her she needed to stop saying that because no one was gonna react anymore. She told me that she had it all planned out. She told me she was going to take the gun into the shower with her and blow her head out. Her reasoning for the location was to make clean up easier for us. At the time it made sense to me. I told her I didn't care I didn't believe her and that I hoped to live forever, I told her she deserved to live as long as possible. It really was the worst to say to her, she told me it was awful to wish life on her. My experience with the thought of suicide probably wasn't the same as most people and it remains different to this day. I don't see it as selfish. I have never understood why people would say that. I have always felt like it was selfish of the people around someone in pain would expect someone to live in pain for their benefit. To further the thought my only goal in life was to raise my children. During their childhood my highest priority was them. I made all decisions in my life to better provide for them. I was successful in raising them all, and each of them left home and are independent and doing very well. This is wonderful but has left me with no direction and truly no reason I have found that it is worth the trouble of living each day. My point is only to show there are different views on any subject. I would not want or encourage anyone to commit suicide, I guess all I'm saying is I understand the feeling. And maybe if you have had someone in your life with these feelings you can maybe understand their thought process and pain they may be in.