My Changing World

I spent all of my young life, and most of my childhood living in trauma, though this was not always known to those who cared about me, because I chose a lifetime of walking in silence, to avoid getting hurt.

This, was not just temporary; it went on for decades.

The survival mode I learned during that time was that speaking out or self- defence would land me in deeper waters, and it was best to just accept what was happening.

Every time I tried speaking, it would lead to disbelief and further violence. When I tried speaking in my adulthood, it put me and my children in further danger, even talking to the authorities jeopardised mine and my children's safety, and when I was encouraged to speak out, I did it with fear, and I was left with more violence and abuse to deal with.

This situation was a very difficult one to survive. I had to scrape to feed my children, and I had to become defensive, even with those that came across as true friends, and even with family because I couldn't identify who I could or could not trust.

During these years, my mind and body became a shell that hid the real person beneath it, and I held on to that shell tightly, because,

Being seen, became being hurt.

I can recognise that in todays world; despite the many problems we are facing, the world I live in is much safer than it was before. However, like everybody, I still have to live with caution because there are many dangerous things happening that we are all faced with.

I have reached a very difficult adjustment period in my life, because unlike in my past, I have friends and family, plus a relationship that is safer than any I have ever been in before. I can go out and do the things I do confidently, and my social life is ever increasing. These adjustments with the dangers that everyone is faced with on a regular basis, are not easy for someone who has walked decades through trauma; and though I feel more secure in myself, I still feel as though I have to constantly look over my shoulder for signs of danger, and I tend to over-analyse everybody I come across with great scrutiny, because I feel that if I give any chances, I will get hurt again.

The world I learned about in my past, is not the same world I live in today.

People smile and they talk to me, even though some of them know that I won't take it as a token of politeness or friendship straight away. They often reach out to show me friendship, and support the rest of my journey. Some of these people have turned into good, solid, caring, friendships. But here is a fact from a learned behaviour, that often clouds my judgement:

I know that people are not always what they seem to be. They can come across as supportive, caring, and friendly; but they can also change unexpectedly.

I've spent decades being hurt by manipulative people, and they are very good at hiding beneath their own shells. They can show vulnerability, be fragile, come across as good friends, and be supportive for quite a long time before they unexpectedly crack that shell, showing their true colours. Before you know it, and before you can realise it, these people who have spent time getting to know you inside out, can take advantage of you in ways that you would have never thought that they were capable of, and before you have time to figure it out, they will destroy you, your home, and even your children's lives in horrible ways that leave you with a trauma that can last an entire lifetime.

Carol Ann Townend (Author of this story)

When you have spent decades fighting this kind of trauma, which is worse when you have been faced with homelessness, violence and insecure housing. Sudden security and change is harder to grasp.

When I was being treated by professionals for trauma, they often behaved as if the trauma would permanently go away after treatment.

It does not work like that. A human being can learn to deal with trauma in healthier ways, and they may rebuild their lives, but they cannot erase the blue print of trauma from their brains. They learn to cope by rewiring their brains into thinking about it differently, or do things that take their minds of it. However, they still have memories, and memories can be brought back by triggers, or events that remind them about the trauma.

We are moving to a very beautiful place soon, and the house we have been offered is very beautiful too. The place we are moving to is something I don't want to name in this story, because I intend to write about it in another story, once we are settled.

However, the new area is said to be full of beauty, tranquil, and a place of peace. We have been told that we are 'going to love it.'

This is something I am truly excited about, because for the first time since leaving home at fifteen years old, I am finally getting the security I need to fully rebuild my life, whilst caring for my husband.

There is just one thing, that many people may not understand.

This world is going to be a very different world in my eyes, compared to the violence, chaos, and run down housing that I have always experienced previously.

This means I'm going to have to learn to cope with a long adjustment phase, while trying to realize that this new world is not the same as my past world.

My life is going to change dramatically, whilst I will still be me plus a registered carer.

For the first time in my life, I am going to be able to get my cover song out, write my own songs, write my stories, clean my home without getting into extreme difficulty, care for my husband, have time to myself, and live in a world without the past problems associated with the violence and abuse that dominated my young life.

I'm going to have time to rebuild my relationships with our children, and make those relationships stronger, which won't be easy because they were seriously affected by my past, but will be worth it.

I am also going to be able to try and build strong social connections with the new community; though this is going to be harder, because I will always be wary and over cautious about these interactions.

Yes, this is a good thing, but I'm still going to have to come to terms with the fact that my world has changed, and the past will not repeat itself.

I think many of us who have been through trauma for a long time, would have the same issue.

Acceptance must be gradual, whilst balancing gratitude comes slowly for someone who has been through decades of trauma most of their life. It isn't something that will happen over night.

This does not mean that I need more therapy, nor does it mean that I need to go back to the days of medication.

It means that I need time to adjust and get used to my new life, until I feel safe and secure in it.

This change does not come with all difficulties though. This change comes with so many positives that outweigh the past which left me with those difficulties in the first place.

It is a fresh start in a new area, and a brand new home which is completely different to any home that I and my husband have ever lived in. We are used to houses that have more problems than 'Jacks House!' However, this time we are moving to a house that has been built from scratch, with new technology, and I suppose;

That is going to make it fun!

Cheers to a brand new start, and a journey that hopefully is full of positivity, and as I will be writing more on this journey, I hope you will follow our new magical adventure as we head out to explore this new life!