Me and My Moods

Recently I started a bullet journal again and it’s been both helpful and frustrating. I’m realizing more and more how badly I am addicted to instant gratification, and at times it’s nauseating. I find my lack of patience, disturbing. My inability to wait for things, all things, is out of control lately. As I type this, I should be sitting in my therapist’s office explaining all of this to him. Sharing the emotions and rollercoasters of yesterday, of the last few weeks. Getting some much-needed weight off my shoulders. Instead, I am taking his advice and writing.

For those of you that don’t know, a bullet journal is a planner on your terms. Most people use dot grid journals and create their own layouts with more than enough page themes for inspiration. Some of my favorite are classics like monthly spreads and weekly layouts, and the unique themes like habit trackers, picture pages, and the highlight of my day page for each month. Some people use them as planners/journals or even planner/journal/diary/gratitude log. There are literally endless possibilities because you are working with a blank canvas.

My first go around with bullet journaling, I used it daily and was absorbed with designs, layouts, and themes. It was something I could escape into while also keeping my mind and schedule organized. This time around, I am only a few days in and already have layout out to May! But as happy as I am in creating again and getting my life together at the same time, it can be aggravating.

One of the layouts I chose to use this time around was a mood tracker. A way to see at the end of the month how many good vs bad days I had. It seemed like a good idea at the start. Until I had my first day to record. At first thought I went with happy, how exciting right? I didn’t exactly spend the whole day happy though and at the time it was only 7 pm. Still day left to account for. It was close enough to bed, I figured I could go ahead and tabulate the day. I didn’t want to do just straight happy though because there were other moods mixed in.

I should note, the “moods” I picked to choose from were happy, sad, anxious, angry, calm. Seemed reasonable enough. I decided on a mix of happy and calm. I hadn’t felt anger, sadness, or been anxious so I called it a tie with the two. Sitting here thinking about the rest of the night, I should have waited to fill it in. Before the night was over, I ended having all the moods, and more. So many more. Not so much moods as emotions and feelings. I cried so hard last night, who would have thought. After such a happy and calm day, the damn broke.

I write this mostly to explore my emotions and actions. To make sense of what went wrong and why. Mostly my own pride (those Leos, you gotta watch out for them) gets in my way too much and then I fall down the shame spiral. It is only after an episode, or miscommunication, that I can see things from the outside and how I should have acted. It reminds me terribly of my childhood and understanding things only after it was too late. These days I handle the situations differently and not always better than when I was a child. She comes out sometimes and her tantrums are those that she was never allowed to have when she should have been. It’s hard to understand this after the fact because I feel for her, I am her, and it hurts when she hurts. Double the pain for the price of one!

For those of you interested in bullet journaling or mood/habit tracking, I have a few suggestions. Wait until the day is over to tabulate it. Make time in the morning to evaluate the previous day and decide the overall mood. How did it start and how did it end? Decide if that’s your goal or if you want record of each emotion felt. Note that some days will be harder to decipher than others. Especially with depression and anxiety where days can be roller coasters that won’t stop. And remember, there’s always next month. If this time doesn’t go right, try something different for next month.

My goal with my bullet journal is organize and track. I’m curious about my habits and forgetful enough to need written documentation in order to do any good. Not to mention this plays to my office supply fetish and once you spend the startup cost, you can use any art supply tools you already have! Literally, the possibilities are endless. It’s a great way to get lost in your own creativity and have a bit of those you love with you, everywhere you go, if like me you do picture pages. Never be afraid to try something new!

Ta for now my friends,

Tabitha