Life In Full Bloom

There I was. Toes in the water, head in the clouds. I was then 19 and it was another typical sunny September day in California. After chatting all night and advancing on a friendship that had been blossoming roughly since middle school, (the friend I shall refer to as Bloom) I felt as though I had so very much to say. It had been brought to my attention that life is never simple, and no childhood is ever perfect. We all tend to see life through different telescopes, some choosing to use their hurt to ensure that others never have to feel the same, as my dear friend had decided to do. Then there’s those of us who assume if they never speak nor think of the terrors which belong to them, every horrible thing might just one day dissipate. Our third group is where my heart seems to draw me, and my mind likes to mumble on to itself. This is the realm in which all aspects of life have things that should be said, but it depends greatly to whom which the words are spoken to. Not everyone needs to hear your story, but at least one soul should know the real you, from the dark and gloomy sadness which lurks around your memory, haunting you in your sleep and possessing unnecessary actions, to the gentle and caring, adventurous and optimistic sides of you. We have all hurt, and everyone knows sadness. It’s about how these things are dealt with, and the life we choose to carry on with that makes us survivors or mourners.

​Watching my boyfriend at the time and my best friend interact for the first time that night, I couldn’t help but rewind the thought of my mother telling me “Men are attracted to happiness. If you show your sadness to a man who is falling in love with you, you might lose your appeal.” Although there was much truth in her words, I have to say that I disagree. I have attempted living with my sadness in solidarity when it occurs, pushing it aside all throughout my senior year of high school due to the happy, yet sympathetic man I call Passion. As mentioned before, I did a tremendously great job in bottling my negative emotions for his own sake, following my mother’s rule to only project happiness upon our men, but when I finally did break and give in to confessing my weaker sides to Passion, it was too much of a hit for him to bear. Of course there were countless other reasons why we could not cling to our weakened relationship after parting for college, but nonetheless my idea of closeting my depressive side had been proven ineffective.

​In the following relationship, which took place about a year post-Passion, I met my third boyfriend whom I shall name Desire. As you can infer, looking back at my time spent with him reminds me solely of being in lust, with the lack of actual love. I know it would disappoint him to know I felt we lacked such an essential element to our relationship, but that is a story for another day. Desire made it clear from the very start that I could lean on him, and choosing to not take my mother’s advice that time around led me to not only lean, but fall upon his lap for support. I tried being quite open about my emotions and crying freely in front of him when needed. For a while he believed he understood, and though he was quite helpful in consoling me during one of the roughest years of my life, I did not provide enough balance to the relationship, and shared even a bit too much with him. Desire became a friend to me, and the best at that, but nothing more.

​For now I shall call my fourth love interest “Balance” because it is with him where I had attempted harder than ever before to give him what he needed and wished to hear in order to understand me and the way I think, but never to overshare or to hide too much to the point where it all spilled over in a fit of hurt and pain.

​Balance and Bloom had two things in common. Both were male. Both loved me. Not much else could be said about their similarities. Bloom was a helper and a giver, and as he opened my eyes to that night, he also had immense pain. Perhaps in a different way, but he did still manage his own pain by himself, and I was honored to be the first with whom he had truly confided in a very long time. He saw through telescope number one, therefore attempting to please everyone around him, making sure they smile and feel joy when he was in proximity. Bloom revealed to me his troubles in dealing with infidelity among his parents and the worry of being separated from his younger sister at a young age. As previously stated, we had a rocky beginning to our friendship in middle school. He was facing his own demons during a time when most are struggling just with growing up on its own. Middle school and younger years are not the time to be facing such immense changes, and I was proud to conclude by the end of the night that my dear friend Bloom was a person of kindness. He saw things the way he did because he too had felt loneliness and pure darkness in a time when most people need friendships and support just to stay afloat with the complications of youth.

​Balance, as I had been observing over the start of our friendship, seemingly appealed more to telescope number two. “Out of sight, out of mind”, was a motto for him to live by. Although there’s nothing wrong with that mentality, it often does not allow for others to feel comfortable confiding in people such as Balance. It takes time to really pry these types of people open, gently but surely. No one will hold out on the inner workings of their mind forever, but some do require more work than others. I can acknowledge that it will take time and effort, but once a person of this caliber opens up to you, it becomes evident that they have given their heart and soul to you.

​I am number three, learning by objectively observing my friends and love interests to discover who I can confide in for different aspects of my life. No one should ever live this life alone, for we are only ever given one. I believe that learning to respect the wishes and mentalities of our loved ones will bring people a long way, allowing them to share their stories with the world, even if each person they share to only ever gets to hear a small piece. As of that night, I have learned that sometimes you need to keep your toes in the water (be playful and positive until they come to you with your telescope two mentality friends), and let your head be in the clouds (daydreaming and speaking openly the things which occupy your mind with your telescope ones.) Everyone deserves someone to help them Bloom and another to Balance you out. As a telescope three, it is my job to inform you of the importance of having both in your life, only keeping them fairly separate in both mind and body.