Letting go of it..

This week has been an awakening for me. I’ve had multiple people reach out to me to say they have seen and read my entire blog. That they had no idea all of what I went through. Now knowing, they truly felt they needed to apologize to me for not doing more and honestly, I don’t know how to feel about it. I’ve been told I should feel grateful. I’ve been told to ignore it because it’s too late for I’m sorry as it does me no good today. I really don’t know how to approach it. I feel happy but confused. Angry but understanding. Hurt but loved. I’m having a really hard time with it. Not just because it caught me way off guard but because this blog was never about that for me. I didn’t write my truth looking for an im sorry. I wasn’t writing daily in search of compliments and platitudes. I did it for me and for others who needed to hear my horrors said out loud. I did it so others were no longer scared to share their own. Im stuck and wary of the new attention because I don’t trust the possibility of someone being truly genuine to me. I’ve lived a long while now not trusting and being suspicious and cold because it was safe. Im comfortable and complacent living in my bubble this way. So, to hear someone say to me that they love me and they wished they acted differently because I deserved better threatens my false comfort. I want it to be known that if you deeply mean what you say and it comes with no motive or expectation of forgiveness then I truly with my whole heart appreciate it. However, I still need it to be known that though im grateful in my reality, it doesn’t make a difference whether truly sorry or sorry just out of guilt. My pain remains and unless you have a magic wand to change the things that took place empathy is no good to me. Do I want to be loved? Absolutely. Do I want to know that my words have affected you in such a way they it drives you into making a difference that matters? Of course I do. But what I don’t want is the responsibility of clearing your conscience for you. I don’t want to have to apologize for you regretting your choices. Most of all I don’t want any more factitious sympathy or forced affection. My journey only has enough room for my baggage and im not willing or able to carry yours. I’m going to continue to do what’s right for me and what heals my soul. Regardless of your guilt or regrets. Please know im not saying any of this to hurt anyone’s feelings. I truly don’t want that but i have to be honest about how i feel. I can’t do that if I omit things for the sake of others feelings. I spent quite a few hours trying to decide how or if i was going to react. But today i witnessed something pure and it truly moved me. Today i witnessed a complicated and tattered but nonetheless enduring love. A love that stood in the face of sour feelings and bad experiences. A love unscathed in spite of the pain and emotional rubble it was in. It made my once numb heart feel a warmth and a glimmer of hope in life I never had. It made me see that not only can you prevail and move forward. You can also leave behind the hurt and the pain and still go on with life with love intact. I realized today what love really is at its core. It’s a willingness to understand one another not just for the good but in our bad as well. It’s learning that there is always room for improvement but also room for forgiveness. It’s remembering that life though fleeting is still a gift we can choose to treasure or throw away. I almost didn’t get this chance at a new life. If I had made even one different choice or had a change in my fate. I wouldn’t have all the blessings i have today. So ive decided im not going to waste any of it. Even if it means I have to keep moving forward no matter the cost. I have to free myself from the blame and the regrets and the what ifs. I need to fix all the pieces of me so i can make myself whole again. I have to commit my everything to whatever my tomorrow may be. In starting this journey, I was so hard for me to trying to figure out who the hell i was. I felt like a hollow shell with no direction or purpose. Slowly as I’ve made progress through therapy and in meeting others like me. I’ve found that im still who i used to be but with the freedom to learn from the pain and my mistakes I’ve made. That I am whoever i am today even with all the bad because im learning to let the anger and bitterness go. Most importantly im also going to be whoever i grow into because life is ever changing. I’ve seen the ugly i know it exists not just for me but for other people like me who have been abused and hurt by the ones they trusted most. But Im learning that there’s a beautiful life that awaits us on the other end of the trauma no matter how long it takes us to get there. I know my story isn’t over yet but as more times goes on im finding comfort in knowing that I am the one who gets the chance to write it anymore. I don’t know what life has in store for me but I know that it’s worth finding out and all I want to do is to help people who have suffered the same way I have to see that they matter and their life is worth it too.