Letters to my mental health

Hey there Panic.

It's 3.55pm on a Monday afternoon. The weather is gloomy and I didn't sleep well. I should be working but you have decided to come and see me. It feels like it has been a while. It's not so nice to have you around again that sounds horrible but it's true. Every time you turn up uninvited to my house you break plates and leave a mud trail across the floor and I am not sure how much more I can take. It would be nice if you atleast cleaned up after yourself but I always feel in a mess when you leave. Just once I ask you Panic, to at least throw some of your rubbish away instead of leaving it with me. It's kind of tiring clearing up after you.

I was going to start another diet today Panic, one of the ones you said would be good for me because if I keep getting fat one of your visits may be too much for my heart. I am not sure I will be able to stick with salad as now you have gone all I want is a pizza. I don't like that you make me feel that way. Maybe next time you visit you could encourage me to get back on that exercise bike.

I have some questions for you if that is okay. Do you know how you make me feel Panic? Does it ever cross your mind? You make my heart race and my breaths laboured. The more my blood pressure rises the more you keep running around in circles until I feel as though I cannot breathe. It's not fair that you do this to me Panic. It doesn't just effect me, people around me feel it too. They don't like me being in that pain knowing there is nothing they can do. I talk to my friends and family about your visits and now you make me feel. They tell me 'just ask them to leave, tell Panic they are not welcome' but that's the thing with you Panic, you are very unwanted and you don't seem to understand that because you keep on coming back. I tell my friends that next time I wont let you stay, that if I see you coming I will turn around and close my eyes, pretend you are not there. It isn't that easy Panic. I try my hardest I really do but you always prevail. I close my eyes tight pretending you are not there but when I open them you are sat on my sofa, your feet up with a cup of tea in hand looking as though you will never leave. Then you drop the tea on to the floor and my heart races again.

After the last time you visited, I thought I made it clear. You had no reason to turn up unannounced and I wanted you to leave the second you turned up at my door. But you didn't, you continued to cause chaos and you seemed to find that amusing. So amusing that you have turned up again. Panic do you realise the only person this is fun for is you? I guess this time your visit wasn't as bad. I saw you coming so I could prepare myself. But I didn't prepare enough. You broke the lock on my door and jumped over the hurdles I had put in place to deter you. My obstacles must have tired you out a little because the mess you left behind seemed as though you didn't put in any effort, or many it's me learning to clean up after you that little bit quicker.

I am writing you this letter in hope that as I write the words you will understand. I have many visitors in my life and I would like you to not be one of them. I am not sure where you will go, or who's door you knock at next but please don't let it be me. I know I am not the only person to write you these letters, you ruin a lot of people's lives. But just because you have gotten away with it for so long that doesn't make it okay. You have been in my life so long I almost can't imagine a time without you Panic but I am starting to see a time in my future that does not involve you.

Yours faithfully,

Rebecca

P.S. if you do feel like visiting in the future, respond to this letter and give me atleast 5 days notice.