Letters Pt. II

Day 23 –

Letters Pt 2

One of the most extraordinary aspects of this sobriety journey is the self-awareness and getting to know your body. A very knew concept to me, who previously avoided all contact with myself save for a hangover wank.

Next to journaling, the literature I’m discovering on sobriety, psychology and health science is keeping me firmly on track and has inspired me to reconsider my relationship with my body – one I have neglected and taken for granted nearly all my life.

This is letter No. 2 - To Me; From, My Body...

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Dear ------

I understand you better than you think. As the saying goes: a problem shared is a problem halved. I am bound to feel the repressed physiological effects of your stress. I am not resentful that you hide us under a façade of pleasantness and leave me at night to go elsewhere in your mind or give yourself to someone else for comfort. I am stronger than you think, I try my best to respond instead of react. I know I’m sometimes agitated and annoyed, and even sick and in pain, but I recover in a different way to you.

You’ve exhausted yourself trying to establish any consistent ongoing relationship with someone or something other than you, than us. You give way more than you can in return for short-term gratification, and your unrealistic self-sacrificing behaviour, for the service of others, is disastrous for both of.

It’s lead to you being mistreated emotionally, and that has hurt the essence of who you are. Consequently, that hurts me too. You’ve never been able to recognise intrusion or be able to assert yourself when you feel a violation. You and I both know when something isn’t right – but it’s not me who makes the call. Yes, you often chose wrong, and so you repeatedly experience the damage brought on by the stress of your past, your mistakes, your bad choices. This has a physical affect which is too complicated to get into – I’ll spare you all the science-y stuff and hope that you’ll believe me when I tell you I do everything I can to keep us going, to not malfunction, to not give up.

You and I are like twins whose parents forced us to go to parties together. It’s a “take your brother with you!” dynamic. I’m always the sibling at your party, the one who knows their limit and when to call it a night. The others don’t like me, I’m boring and intimidating and out of place. But honestly, your friends are toxic. I mean, they are literally poisonous. #sorrynotsorry. I’m the one who cleans up in the morning and makes sure the house is tidy before you wake up. I like to think I’m that I’m helping and in return maybe I’ll win you and your friends over and gain some respect.

That’s the thing about me, I am optimistic to a fault. I have rolled with the punches – literally – and gotten back up. I automatically enter recovery mode. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever not been in recovery mode.

I’ll give the one and only example you’ll need to hear – a few nights before your awakening, that blessed day when your self-preservation kicked in, you sank one and half bottles of cheap vodka. Vodka was your favourite friend because you could hang out all night and for some reason, felt no aftereffect the next day. This was not true, it has almost killed you several time but like I said, I have ways of recovering that are too complicated by bog you down with.

But none more than that night had you come closer to ending it all – you consumed so much that your mind entered a new milestone – the stupor phase. Two stages away from death, second only to coma. I was calling you, shouting and screaming and creasing in pain, but you were distracted.

It was like you had dissociated. I could hear you only faintly, as if I were listening through a wall. I caught only fractions of the conversation you were having.

You were eulogising yourself.

I was astounded by the nonchalance, the readiness for death. You have had lapses into suicidal ideation, but I have heard nothing like this. Consequently, I felt it to. Like the vibrations of an earthquake thousands of miles away.

You were about to kill us. And in the morning, when you woke, you couldn’t even remember why.

We never talked about it. You buried it and it came back to as something else. A malevolent entity, powerful emotions that haunt us.

Although you may seem quiet and unassuming, our inner life is vibrant and passionate. You are known for your sensitivity, your profound emotional responses to music, art, nature, and the people around you.

You have an extraordinary ability to curb the criticism you get for being idealistic and highly empathic. You feel called to help others. I love this about you. The longing for deep, soulful relationships will come in time, but only once you’ve nurtured and learned to treasure your own. I’m so happy you reached out to me, and now that we’re listening to each other, doing this together – this will be your first real partnership.

I want you to remember this when you feel lonely or invisible, adrift in a world that doesn’t seem to appreciate what makes you unique. You happily lose yourself in daydreams, inventing all sorts of stories and conversations. Now, you need to decide what world you want to live in, so you won’t want to escape to another.

Yours always,

Your Body,

P.s You’re correct about the nail biting. It’s gross. Please stop eating me.