Just To Be Clear

Once, when I went out and sat in the park at a picnic table writing, I was startled by the thing in the photo above. When I saw it, the thought began to form that it was a bat's wing. I knew it made no sense. I tried to sit there without looking under the table. In the end, I peeked under the table. It was dirty tape. Still, I had to leave because I kept checking it even though I already knew that it was NOT A BAT! This is what my generalized anxiety disorder looks like. well, one part of it.

I have battled generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) for most of my life. Or at least as far back as I can remember. With GAD, anxiety overtakes you and can negatively affect your life. Anxiety affects me in different ways, I can not just stop it, or I would.

A big way that it affects my life is that sometimes I can't leave my house. It could be any reason. There are triggers, but they are not always easy to recognize.

Many times people tell me to "Just go out." They don't understand what it means to have an anxiety disorder. I can't just make it go away. If I could, I would. The things that give me anxiety don't always make sense.

What if there is a spider in my sweatshirt?

This may sound ridiculous, but what if I put my sweatshirt on without noticing the spider, and then it comes out while I am driving? I might crash the car! When I think of these scenarios, I am not only thinking it could happen; it is happening in my head. The feeling of dread consumes me.

It doesn't have to be the thought of a violent thing that makes me anxious. It could be mundane worries or basic guilt. It could be something as simple as~

My To-Do List

If I take a walk or go for coffee when I have not done everything that needs to be done in my home, then I would feel guilty. I may just be sitting on the couch the whole day, sick of myself for never leaving my house yet not doing the chores that would allow me to let myself go out. If I go anyway, there will be a cloud of anxiety hanging over my day.

Having anxiety affects your health in different ways. Recently I have been putting the task Walk for 10 minutes on my To-Do list. I had hurt my knee back in September, and it was starting to feel normal again. I knew that walking would make my knee stronger and help me to lose the weight that I had gained.

But what if I walk and my knee goes out, and I can't get back?

Now these are not things that could never happen. It could happen. My knee could go out. But I would have options, people I could call. There would probably be signs of my knee giving out that would make me look for a place to sit.

This week, I went to a casino for an overnight trip with a friend of mine. Even though there were things going on in my life that caused lists of to-dos to float around my head, I went. I felt so great, I had a good night, and my knee felt wonderful.

In the morning, when we went down to get breakfast, I walked surefooted toward the drink counter and fell straight onto my knee. I just laid there screaming, "Noooo" in my head. All that I could think was,

"Why? Why did I leave? How could this happen to me?"

I am back to square one with my knee. Hopefully, it is an easy fix, but right now, it is just a pain. Tomorrow I will go to the doctor.

But what if the doctor finds...?

Anxiety over going to the doctor? Well, that needs its own essay. But I can say that when the axe finally falls, it is actually better than waiting for it to fall or watching it hover over my life. Once something actually happens, I have a real thing to deal with.

And, somehow, that is better.

If you feel like you might suffer from GAD or for more information, follow the link below.

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/generalized-anxiety-disorder-gad#:~:text=GAD%20usually%20involves%20a%20persistent,GAD%20develops%20slowly.